ROBBER GETS CAUGHT BY BRAGGING ON FB

Sometimes life imitates art. This time, life imitated a bad SNL sketch with Kenan Thompson….except this is funny: A dude and his girlfriend got caught robbing a Dollar General after he posted pics on his Facebook of him holding a huge wad of cash and wearing THE EXACT SAME HAT as the robber in the store video.

Seriously, Mr. Jovan Cummings did this after heisting a Dollar General with his sidekick Nicole Catherine Eaton. If you see her mugshot, you’ll learn her last name bears no irony.

Jovan would have gotten away with it, if he didn’t post FB images of him showing off his loot and videos of him brandishing precisely the same gun that was used in the robbery. Worse than that? His videos got 47 “likes”.

Mr. Cummings told reporters, “Next time, Ima hit a 99 cent store and put dat on Myspace!” Well, this would actually be a wise choice, ‘cause no one would ever see it.

Burglarizing a Dollar General? Dude, you’d earn more Street Cred knocking off a Lemonade Stand. The criminals didn’t get cash, but they did get a truckload of Mickey Mouse Pencil Erasers and the Ever-Popular Mexican Cleaning Product, “Limpia El Piso!”

The perpetrators bound a Dollar General employee with duct tape from the store. After they ran out, the employee wasn’t able to call the police until the faulty duct tape dissolved. In other words, 2 minutes later.

The Sarasota-Herald Tribute reported that “the suspects were “arrested for allegedly robbing a Dollar General”. I don’t understand reporters’ definitions of “allegedly” and “suspect”. When I hear a newscaster say “The suspect was seen carjacking vehicles, shooting innocent people and fleeing from the police”…..he’s no longer a “suspect”; he fucking did it! “Innocent ‘Til Proven Guilty”? No, how ‘bout “Guilty When Acting Guilty”. What’s next? Are we going to hear a reporter say, “The suspect just shot me in the gut. I’m allegedly bleeding….”

Cummings is in the Sarasota County jail, and his bail is $470,000. Wow….I assumed if you rob a Dollar General, your bail would be 300 bucks tops.

Maybe I’m being too hard on Jovan Cummings. Perhaps he was just trying to exercise his right to a speedy trial. Regardless, I “suspect” he’s guilty.

BACK IN GREENVILLE!

As the only comedian in history from Greenville, Mississippi….I jumped at the chance to go back home and perform two INCREDIBLY DIFFERENT SHOWS. A $50-ticket, Blacktie-and-Cocktail dress event in which I performed at a podium, did family-friendly material and wore the same suit I got married in…..and a kickass, rowdy sports bar where I was contracted to do my craziest, R-rated, ultra-physical, Adult Routines. Oddly enough, I loved every minute of both shows. Even though one had humongous potential for some serious disaster….

On Friday night, I hosted the prestigious, annual “Greenville Honors Its Own” awards ceremony.* This is a yearly extravaganza that honors Greenville area artists, educators and volunteers for their achievements and contributions to the arts in the community. It’s The Oscars of Greenville, baby. Sure, our paparazzi was a drunk guy with a Polaroid; and the host was me; but it’s a big deal, dammit!

At a hundred bucks per couple, Greenville Honors Its Own is no casual night out. I performed in a black, Brooks Brothers suit; I never took the mic out of the stand; and the most profane word I used was “hell”. I did 10-15 minutes up front of stand-up; briefly explained the event, then introduced the award presenters. This is quite anomalous, compared to most of my professional shows….but it was awesome! I really enjoyed the challenge of doing completely clean and non-physical comedy, as well as creating jokes from the script they gave me and specifically for the hometown audience. Here’s some quick highlights by Yours Truly:

(When I first walked to the podium; I pulled out a notecard and said,) “I’d like to thank The Academy….oh, sorry; that’s the wrong speech.”

“It’s just like The Oscars….except, everyone already knows the winners.” (The winners were printed on the programs for the audience; there were no fellow nominees.)

“I’ve always been in love with The Arts. As a kid, I was always performing in a play or a talent show; or much to my teachers’ dismay, a classroom.”

“Presenters, please be brief. Remember, the bar is closed. The longer you talk, the longer we all have to wait to start drinking again.”

“When I was a teenager, I was 5-11 and 115 pounds. Those are Supermodel Statistics. All the girls in my class wanted my body, just not the same way I wanted theirs.”

“I know a lot of you are wondering what I put in my hair. The answer is simple: Viagra.”

“The Greenville Harmony Chorus is very talented; they’re much better than the Cleveland Tone-Deaf Quartet. They are God-Aweful. One time, the Cleveland Tone-Deaf Quartet was performing on an airplane, and people walked out.”

“There’s a Red Cadillac Coup Deville in the parking lot across the street with its lights off. There’s also an ’82 Purple Gremlin. Your lights aren’t off; it’s just an embarrassing vehicle.”

“The Artist Award is given to someone who only appears in black and white, never talks and has a French moustache…….I’m sorry, I shouldn’t be making Hollywood movie references in a town where the Walmart is bigger than the airport.”

(After Hugh McCormick gave his acceptance speech for The Lifetime Contribution to the Arts; in which he cantankerously berated the crowd for choosing him and gruffly ranted about his complete lack of patience):

“Hugh McCormick will be outside after the show, teaching his Anger Management Seminar.”

(I previously quipped, “18 bucks for one drink? For that much money, it should come with a Roofie.” I later imitated my Mom, who was in the crowd and has no idea what that joke means:)

“I want one of those 18-dollar Roofie drinks!”

Afterwards, I was socializing with the audience and selling my dvds (I chose not to sell my clothing merchandise; if I’m doing a squeaky-clean show, I assume it’s inappropriate for me to hoc “Sweetnuts” boxers and panties that read “Stop Poking Me”.) I caught up with so many relatives, friends’ parents and ex-teachers; it was awesome! Even my orthodontist was one of the presenters; so it was cool to write jokes just about him….most of them were really about my teeth, though.

When all was said and done, I gotta give mad props to my parents and their crowd. ‘Cause my wife and I were supposed to go drinking with my buddies; but the show ended late and they all had to rush home to relieve their babysitters…..so we just went partying with my folks, my aunt and uncle, and their buddies. The 60-somethings out-lasted the 30-somethings!

*One of my pothead buddies kept calling me as I was preparing for this event; I quickly texted him, “Call you later, gotta prep 4 G.H.I.O.” He spent all night, trying to solve this abbreviated riddle. My favorite response from him was “Ok, does ‘G.H.I.O.’ stand 4 George Harrison Is Omnipotent, George Hamilton is Orange, or Green Hornet’s In the Ocean?”

On Saturday night, I did a special engagement performance at Rival’s Sports Bar. This venue wasn’t around when I was growing up; but I partied there once after playing my Highschool Reunion. My ‘ole classmates and I had a killer time; so I set up a show there. Any place that lets me jump onstage and sing “Pour Some Sugar On Me” with the band is cool in my book.

I did TV and radio interviews to promote the show; and I was the first Hollywood performer to grace the stage; so we had a sweet, packed crowd. People were excited and drinking; the stage setup was an acoustic dream; my wife was taking money at the door and counting heads; what could go wrong?

Well….while I’m preparing for the show, a woman and her pre-teen daughter run over and tell me how excited they are to see my performance. The problem? The owners of Rivals promoted my show as and specifically requested it to be EXTREMELY R-RATED. What to do? Well, here’s my theory on the situation: It’s better to offend one family and rock a full crowd than please just the family and disappoint everyone else. I didn’t censor myself, I didn’t hold back, I went for the jugular on my jokes and fuckin’ connected! (Plus, the family won tickets on the radio; so it’s not like they’d be demanding their money back.)

Here’s the lesson I learned: Any family who takes their kids to an R-rated comedy show is not easily offended. They loved it! The parents and their two daughters were clapping and screaming to the dick jokes. (I kept telling myself the kids didn’t really understand the material; they were just laughing at my physicality. Let’s hope that’s the case.) I made them part of the show; they took pictures with me and bought my merchandise – I ain’t complaining! I will no longer judge an out-of-place dysfunctional family book by its wildly inappropriate cover.

As the only comedian on the show, I only had to do an hour-long act. But people started buying shots, sending me drinks, and the party escalated….at this point – the longer the show, the more money for the bar. Plus, I’m an incredible stage whore who makes Reverand Al Sharpton look like Raif Finnes. I did 94 minutes, and it was a blast! I got to do some rare Mississippi gems and even worked some local celebrities into bits. And by “celebrities”, I mean Greenville dudes who got more white puntang than Tiger.

94 minutes is longer than some feature films; but the audience was too damn electric to stop short. At least a fourth of the crowd was there from G.H.I.O.; so they were pleasantly shocked at my diametric opposite material from Friday night. I had to be extra careful on stage, too: I could almost break a ceiling light with my David Lee Roth-esque highkicks; if I moved too far back, I’d trip over a homicidal extension cord; and if I shimmied too far to the middle, I’d be humping the DJ table! My solution? I planted myself mostly on front & center stage and avoided the giant booby trap.

Anyone who’s seen me live knows I dish out more nicknames than the Drill Seargant in Full Metal Jacket, but they’re not always as sweet. The Rivals crowd were all really excited about their nicknames. It’s a great job where you can call someone “The Town Drunk” or “The Friendly Date Rapist”, and everyone cheers. After the show, table of fans ran over to me and ecstatically declared, “I’m The Gay Pimp, and I’m married to The Ho! This is The Cock-Blocker and The Black Guy!”

My favorite nickname of the evening was “Layton Lipton The Tea-Bagger”. One of the venue owner’s brother, Layton, was celebrating his birthday. He’s a huge, muscular football player being currently scouted by the NFL; so the jokes wrote themselves. I started with him being so muscular, he has a 6-pack on his balls….that turned into “Getting tea-bagged by him is like getting tea-bagged by 3 people”….and Layton Lipton The Tea-Bagger was born.

And I gotta love the guy who insisted on my wife and I partying with him at his house. He must have been in sales, ‘cause this dude didn’t understand the word “no”. We told him we were tired, he said “I got coffee!” We told him we were hungry, he said “I’ll cook you breakfast!” We told him we wanted to go have sex; he said “Use my room! Then I’ll make you coffee and breakfast.” We ended up escaping back to our room and having some breakfast….and bourbon.

All in all, the two shows in Greenville were totally worth it. The audience was beyond appreciative; I got to see relatives and childhood friends; and I didn’t break anything on stage, and nothing on stage broke anything on me. A lot of my Mississippi fans have been emailing me, asking when I’m returning. SOON. You know that inappropriate, Dickjoke-Loving family? I’m playing their reunion this summer.

THE OSCARS: FUNNY OR NOT, IT AIN’T OFFENSIVE

For once, The Oscars didn’t seem longer than the Lord of the Rings trilogy. At 3 hours and 10 minutes, this event actually felt edited! Let’s re-cap:

HERE’S ANOTHER FIRST: 3 out of the 15 actors were nominated for roles in which they never spoke. (Jean Dujardin & Berenice Bejo from The Artist, Max von Sydow in Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close.) That’s right, 20 % of all of the actors with Oscar nods this year never even talked. Obviously, America wants its actors to just shut up and look pretty. And props to all the actors this year who didn’t jump on a political soapbox and give a self-indulgent, bullshit speech. They all were thankful and humble that they received an award. Bravo! (Coincidentally enough, Jane Fonda and Sean Penn weren’t present.)

THE HOST: Billy Crystal has now hosted The Oscars 9 times; that’s more times than either Liz Taylor or Larry King have been married! With the exception of a few jokes that didn’t quite hit, Billy knocked it out of the park for the ninth time. Some critics say his same ‘ol song-and-dance formula just feels too much like a prior ceremony; but why change a winning game? Crystal was able to throw in his signature riffs, like when following the ever-so-boring Academy President Tom Sherak – “Thank you, Tom, for whipping the crowd into a frenzy…Mr. Excitement.” And the writers did their job for Billy with zingers like “Hey, Front Row – you know what I’m thinking? Why don’t we all just chip in and buy The Dodgers?”

BEST PERFORMANCE OF THE NIGHT:

Honestly, Cirque du Soleil. They put on an amazing show; nobody could top it.

THE PRESENTERS:

Jennifer and Cameron Diaz – When they struck a Charlie’s Angles-esque pose, the joke didn’t make anyone laugh…but it worked. As we say in The South, they both looked “hotter than 2 jackrabbits makin’ love in a wool sock at the edge of The Equator in Zimbabwe during a Volcanic Eruption on the 4th of July!”. And when it comes to asses, J-Lo proved ‘bigger is better’. Not funnier, but better. There’s also much debate as to if her nipple was exposed as well. J-Lo doesn’t have a movie nor an album coming out, but it doesn’t matter. Everyone’s talking ‘bout her.

The Bridesmaids – Two-Thirds of them were funny. Kristen & Maya’s thinly veiled dick jokes were amusing; Wendi McLendon-Covey & Ellie Kemper was a rushed joke that fell flat; but Rose Byrne & Melissa McCarthy drinking everytime someone says “Scorsesse” was kickass. Even funnier? Marty’s “WTF?” reaction.

Robert Downey, Jr. and Gwyneth Paltrow – They played off each other really well. Robert was hilarious as the arrogant star of a documentary about an Academy Awards Presenter, and Gwyneth was very believable as the offended celebrity who doesn’t like being interrupted. And I love the fake camera crew! (I say “fake”, but they’ll win a statue next year.)

Ben Stiller and Emma Stone – This pair obviously got some notes from Benny’s parents. They bounced off each other beautifully. Ben’s seething irritation complimented Emma’s over-the-top, childlike antics perfectly. Who got the biggest laugh in this segment? Actually, Jonah Hill. It was the way he casually gestured “No way” to Emma when she asked him to dance.

Chris Rock – Ever the consummate comedian, Rock had a great punchline about animation allowing black actors to portray “a Zebra or a Donkey”; as well as an excellent rant about how easy acting for animation actually is.

Will Ferrell and Zach Galifianakis – you gotta love two dudes who could give less of a shit dressed in all-white suits crashing and dropping symbols for no reason whatsoever.

SPEECHES:

I’m actually thrilled to see Meryl Streep take home her third Academy Award! And what a lovely speech – she combined humor (“When they called my name, I had this feeling I could hear half of America going, ‘Oh, no. Come on! Not her…again.’ Ya know, but whatever!”), sweetness (Making sure to thank her husband before the loud music played her off) and humility (“Let me just say this ‘cause I’ll never be up here again…”) After being nominated a record 17 times, ‘ole Meryl takes home her third Oscar. (For the Non-Asians, that’s a less than 18 percentage.) She deserved it previously when she was beat out by less than talented actresses like Julia Roberts and Sandra Bullock (Who are both beautiful and good at what they do – but come on! Them beating Meryl and The Dame Judi Dench at The Oscars is like Larry the Cable Guy defeating Chris Rock and Louie C.K. in a stand-up contest.) Meryl was actually in extremely good company this year with her fellow nominees – Viola Davis and Michelle Williams both deserved statues as well, but I have a slight hunch they’ll be back. Seriously, don’t worry; Viola – when Meryl Streep comes over to you and tenderly touches your cheek before making her acceptance speech – you’re in, baby!

Christopher Plummer had the most eloquent speech when he won for Best Supporting Actor. The 82-year-old said to Oscar “You’re only 2 years older than me, darling. Where have you been all my life?” He was debonair and delivered his speech as if it were completely off the cuff, even though he knew exactly what he was going to say next. “When I first emerged from my mother’s womb, I was already rehearsing my Academy thank you speech, but it was so long ago, mercifully for you, I have forgotten it.” As in any classic speech, Plummer peppered in some witty humor in complimenting co-star Ewan McGregor: “I would happily share this award with him if I had any decency, but I don’t.”

Octavia Spencer – She didn’t have any memorable quotes because she was so emotionally overwhelmed, but it was very touching to see. (“Wrap it up, I know. I’m freaking out!”) Plus, she deserved it in the toughest category of the night.

Woody Allen – “What? He wasn’t even there.” Exactly. Normally, my reaction to anyone winning an Academy Award and not showing up to collect it is “What a dick!”; but because Woody Allen is so neurotic and chronically absent from the ceremony, he gets a hall pass. Plus, he’s probably writing his next Oscar-nominated script. Woody’s amazing; his writing speed makes Stephen King look like Truman Capote.

DUDS OF THE NIGHT:

THE SOUND – First of all, no one stopped the constant annoying dumptruck-like beeping ‘til halfway through the show. The orchestra drowned out Billy’s opening number. And when Natalie Portman clapped, it sounded like someone was being beaten to death with a piece of broken driftwood.

The Christopher Guest sketch was a cute idea, but it quickly became a 1-joke pony. The skit should be called “Fred Willard Repeats the word ‘Monkies’.”

Tom Sherak – We know you’re the President of the Academy and we appreciate the fact you kept it shorter this year….but seriously, dude; you’re the reason people tivo The Oscars. When you walk off camera, even Atheists thank God.

Angelina Jolie – We get it, you’re hot. You don’t need a “clit slit” in your dress. And since you do, you definitely don’t need to pose like a prostitute in an 1890s Saloon.

PEOPLE WHO WERE OFFENDED @ BILLY CRYSTAL DOING SAMMY DAVIS JR. IN BLACKFACE – Shut your whining dessert-holes! If you know anything about comedy, you’ll understand that Crystal started as a stand-up. One of his most famous bits was his Sammy Davis, Jr. impression. When he was on SNL in the 80s, he dressed up like him and no one ever complained. But now you do? How is Billy Crystal supposed to convey that he’s Sammy Davis Jr – just look like a ruddy-faced 64-year-old white Jewish dude that talks like Sammy? Hmm…maybe the real lesson here is Billy should update his impressions.

RANDOM THOUGHTS I HAD DURING THE BROADCAST:

If you close your eyes when Colin Firth speaks, you’ll swear it’s Michael Cane. These two must play Father-Son in a film.

Melissa McCarthy is impressively flexible. She has a porn coming out called “Extremely Loud and Incredibly Gross”.

Maybe I’ve lived in Hollywood too long, but every male Oscar winner who thanked his wife and kids….I totally thought was gay.

At the end of Jean Dujardin’s acceptance speech, he seriously behaved like France just won The World Cup.

Precious star Gabourey Sidibe said “When I see movies, I look for myself. Because I don’t see enough of myself.” She weighs over 300 pounds. Doesn’t she own a mirror?

Oh, I’m sorry; Crystal-Haters – was that inappropriate? Well, I think we all can learn from Asghar Farhardi; he said the most important message of the night in his speech after winning Best Foreign Film:

“I proudly offer this award to the people of my country, a people who respect all cultures and civilizations and despise hostility and resentment.”

SUPERBOWL COMMERCIALS

Here’s something you’ll never hear: “I loved the Superbowl, but there weren’t enough car commercials.”

TRUE STORY: I took my wife to dinner after The Bowl, and we had the clumsiest waiter. He dropped so many things, I thought he was playing for The Patriots. KA-BOOM!

For the record, I was rooting for The Pats and actually think Tom Brady played a great game; but to quote his wife Gisele, he “cannot fucking throw the ball and catch the ball at the same time”. That’s true. Just like she can’t look beautiful and eat at the same time.

There’s a million blogs about the 2012 Giants Superbowl win over the Pats, but I’m here to offer you original insight on the commercials. And….action!

There were 55 commercials during this year’s Bowl. Let’s start with THE WORST, in my humble yet correct opinion:

The Coke Polar Bears. I love Coke for two reasons – It goes great with bourbon & rum, and it’s finally brought peace between Polar Bears & Penguins. However….these Polar Bear spots were just not funny. It’s time for a new mascot, Coke. At least they have a new slogan, “Open Happiness”. I bet if Cocaine was legal, this would be their slogan. That sounds much better than, “You show me a mirror, and I’ll show you a razor blade. Try Coke.”

Bridgestone “Performance Football”. It’s a cute idea, but you lost me at Dion Sanders. That guy’s ego makes Kanye’s look like Tiger’s. But how thoughtful for Bridgestone to give Dion a Superbowl spot; he clearly needs the money. (Insert sarcastic icon here. Did I just invent The Sarcasticon?) I’m sure all his proceeds will go to a charity called “Dion’s New CD: Rappin’ For Jesus”.

Tax Act. The kid peeing in the pool and impishly enjoying his sister diving in it would be really funny if I was in kindergarden. But if TaxAct’s metaphoric message is “Piss on the I.R.S.!”….they just got a new client.

Doritos: “Sling Baby”. I know a lot of people like this one, but I say ENOUGH WITH THE WACKY BABY COMMERCIALS! This spot does nothing more than jump on the advertisement hac wagon of using anomalous baby behavior as the punchline. I grant the E*TRADE talking baby Carte Blanche because he was the very first of his kind. Plus, this year’s speed-dating joke was hilarious.

Volkswagon: “The Dog Strikes Back”. This is actually an ad within an ad. The dog one works; but The Star Wars isn’t funny. Simon Cowell would have summed it up with two words, “Seen it!” (Which is the notch above “Absolutely dreadful”.)

David Beckham Bodyware – Bend it Like Beckham? More like Flaunt it Like Beckham. While David flamboyantly and seductively poses for the camera in his personal line of tighty whities, the look on his face says; “God, I wish I could fuck myself.” Okay, my gripe with this ad is not your typical straight dude comedian line like, “I don’t need to see Beckham’s ass in HD”. Remember my hetero brothers….during The Superbowl, we gotta please the ladies and gay men, too. My problem with Dave’s commercial is there’s no disclaimer that says “Buying this underwear will not make you look like David Beckham”. But hey, why am I expecting truth in advertising?

Go Daddy: “The Cloud”. Need evidence that I’m not sexist? Enter Exhibit A….I find this Danika Patrick commercial to be a tsunami of stupidity. When the two young men see the bikini-clad car racer and many other near-nude beauties, they immediately ask each other if they’re in heaven. You know what I’d be asking? “How the fuck did I die?!!!” Although her her thighs look exceptionally ravishing, Danika’s acting skills are about as impressive as Vin Diesel’s.

Now, how ‘bout the good ones? Samsong playing Darkness’ “Thing Called Love” and Budweiser playing The Cult’s “She Sells Sanctuary” made me wanna party; the NFL Timeline made me think, “Finally, a Superbowl commercial about football!”; and Fiat made me wanna make love to a car, as long as it has a foreign accent.

Here’s my personal TOP 15 FAVORITE SUPERBOWL SPOTS OF 2012:

15) Pepsi: “Fit For a King”. The banter between Sir Elton John as The King and The X Factor Winner Chick as a Soda-Obsessed Robin Hood was annoying….but Flava Flav’s cameo saved the day. Quick question: Shouldn’t Elton have been The Queen?

14) The John Stamos Greek Yogurt spot made me smile, and not just ‘cause he got head-butted. It’s nice to see Uncle Jesse working. It’s much better than a Bob Saget ad for Skittles.

13) The Chevy Silverado “End of the World” advertisement taught us a valuable lesson: Apparently 3 things will be left at the end of the world – Silverados, their drivers and Twinkies. But oddly enough, no Mayans.

12) The M&Ms “Just My Shell” ad is a crowd-pleaser. The joke’s over quickly, but they do a great job of not overdoing it; and the horny male M&M “wiggling” is a gut-buster. The only drawback? Now a bunch of dudes have M&M fetishes.

11) The Avengers promo excites me. It’s got Iron Man, Thor, Captain America AND Samuel L. Jackson? Hell, yeah! Oh, and Avengers….you had me at “Scarlett Johansson”. She makes me wanna eat M&Ms.

10) The “Man’s Best Friend” Doritos commercial is great if you’re not a P.E.T.A. member. As a catlover, I never expected feline homocide to be so funny.

9) The Hyundai “Think Fast” advertisement is hysterical. Was the younger dude trying to revive or exterminate his boring boss? Hmmm…..

8) The Bud Lite with “Weego” the dog was adorably funny. This was the best cockblock I’ve seen on TV since Newt’s wife made him leave his press conference with her. And check this out: For every facebook “like” the company got on this ad, it donated $1 to an animal rescue fund. As a result, they’re handing over $250,000! Mad props, Bud Lite. When the President handed over the check; I wonder if he frustratedly murmured, “Here we go….”

7) Met Life – Any kid from the 80s is in love with this ad. My friends and I thoroughly enjoyed seeing every cartoon character we grew up with in 30 seconds….we couldn’t take our eyes off it; hell, we couldn’t even move! I bet even Seth McFarland didn’t climax ‘til it was over.

6) Chrysler with Clint Eastwood – For the record, this commercial has nothing to do with “The Bailout” nor Obama and everything to do with patriotic inspiration. Eastwood made me feel lucky. Well do you….punk?

5) Okay, though I have absolutely no interest in watching “America’s Got Talent” – and when Howard Stern was announced as a new host of the show, I initially thought, “What a whore!” – this commercial is pretty damn funny. A Zach Galifianakis look-alike wearing a Super Hero outfit and poorly dancing & singing to “Moves Like Jagger” provokes Howard to blast him with a firehose. Okay, ha-ha. But then a 7-year-old Shirley Temple impersonator provokes Howard to spray her with the hose….now THAT’S comedy! By the way, people; don’t try to get moves like Jagger. It’s much easier to have moves like Keith Richards.

4) Teleflora Valentine’s Promo – Look, even having Supermodel Adriana Lima looking hotter than Mt. Vesuvius can’t distract me from the fact that you’re promoting an overhyped holiday that sexually lures men into buying a bunch of unnecessary bullshit accessories for his woman and taking her to an overpriced dinner on a “holiday” night….that ends with her not wanting to have sex due to chocolate martini-induced intoxication & extreme bloating and him cursing his credit card receipts & furiously masturbating in the shower. So I’ve heard.

3) The Seinfeld Acura advertisement was fantastic. It had everything: Seinfeld attempting to tell dirty limericks at a dinner party, the last living Munchkin and the Soup Nazi! It was a great homage to the show with Jerry substituting “Leno” for “Newman” and the final coffee shop scene. One wonders if Leno taking over Jerry’s car was an inside industry joke? I bet Conan laughed…. My only criticism is in the form of a question: Am I really supposed to believe that Seinfeld and Leno drive Acuras?

2) The Chevrolet “Happy Grad” kicks ass! This is how a Superbowl spot should be. It’s a classic joke of confusion: A surfer dude who looks like Dax Shepard and sounds like Chris Farley assumes he got a brand new car when he actually got a mini-fridge. Brilliant simplicity. From the jubilant screaming to the sudden marriage proposal to his father’s hoping he’ll “wear himself out” to Mr. Johnson “stealing” the car….”Happy Grad” is The Class Valedictorian.

1) The Honda CR-V “Matthew’s Day Off” is the 2012 Superbowl’s best commercial. It does a perfect parody of Ferris Bueller’s Day Off; it’s extremely clever and constantly barrages viewers with rapid-fire jokes. And how happy is Yellow? The obscure 80s Swiss band’s song, “Oh Yeah”, is in this ad. Kids, sometimes you can have a hit without even singing. Or acting. I’ll prove with two words: Hassle. Hoff.

WHY KATY & RUSSELL GOT DIVORCED

So Katy Perry and Russell Brand are getting divorced. No way. You mean to tell me things didn’t work out between a twenty-something female pop singer and a middle-aged, former drug addict/current sex addict male movie star? I’m beyond awestruck.

BOTTOM LINE: You just can’t have a Hollywood marriage work when BOTH celebs are near the peaks of their careers. They’re each busier than a 1-legged man in an ass-kicking contest; they’re inundated with filming, travel and press; they have no time to dedicate to their spouse; and they work with the most beautiful people on earth. Paul Newman and Joanne Woodward were exceptions to the rule; but they met AFTER their careers were on track, and Paul clearly had the more successful career. After all, that famous salad dressing isn’t called “Woodward’s Own”. Tom Hanks and Rita Wilson are a lovely celeb couple; but again, they’re not quite on the same cinematic success level. Tommy’s one of only two people ever to win an Oscar for a leading role two years in a row (The answer is Spencer Tracy – there, I just saved you 10 seconds of googling); and Rita Wilson’s most impressive credits include Teen Witch, Cheech and Chong’s Next Movie, and Jingle All the Way. (She was also in Psycho, but it was the ’98 remake version.)

Why was Brand the one who filed for divorce? ‘Cause all her partying with Rhianna makes him uncomfortable? ‘Cause he doesn’t respect her Christian minister parents’ beliefs? ‘Cause he’s a sex addict that can never be faithful? These are all probably true, but none are the reason Russell decided to legally split. HERE’S THE REASON: Brand divorced her because they had no pre-nup. Oh Katy, honey; have you learned nothing from Kanye?

They both live in Cali, a state where if a married couple has no pre-nuptial agreement….all assets must be divided equally. Brand is already worth $15 million. But Katy’s worth $44 million, which now makes him the official breadwinner. That’s why I’ll never divorce my wife; I can’t leave her with an estate worth 48 bucks!

The moral of the story is….evangelical pastors shouldn’t have kids, ‘cause they’ll only grow up to be debaucherous rockstars who marry reformed heroin addict/current sex addict movie stars who take half their shit. Now that’s Hot and Cold.

NEW YEAR’S EVE

New Year’s Eve is more over-rated than Channing Tatum. On this holiday night, virtually any social event will be expensive, crowded; and unless your Designated Driver has been sober for a good decade, it’s definitely gonna suck for someone in your group.

And what is this absurd pressure on New Year’s Eve to kiss someone at midnight? When I was single, my crew would always start partying around 7….heavily flirt with several prospects by 9….attempt to solely focus on one makeout target but still have at least 2 back-ups around 11….make sure your tonsil hockey buddy is as drunk as you @ 11:30ish…..and OHMIGOD, AT MIDNIGHT; KISS SOMEBODY, DAMMIT!

Here’s my point….if we’re gonna snap into panic mode to desperately tongue someone on the first minute of the year, we gotta do similar rituals on other holidays. Guys, wouldn’t it be sweet if women were saying; “I can’t wait to flash everybody on St. Patty’s Day!” Ladies, you could probably do without dudes saying, “I gotta T-Bag someone on Easter!” Okay, those suggestions are more preposterous than Teabowing after throwing a winning touchdown, but how ‘bout Halloween Handjobs? Come on! Tricks can always be treats….

TAKE MY ADVICE: Never go out for dinner on New Year’s Eve. It’s just another excuse for restaurants to unfairly jack up the prices on everything – On December 31st; you’re Charlie Sheen, and restaurants are The Media: You’re at their mercy. Don’t go to a club, either. The prices are always higher than Tommy Chong in an L.A. medicinal clinic at 4:20. And hotels? Forget it, baby. Even if it’s a Super 8 off the outskirts of Flint, Michigan; they know they’re gonna sell out all their rooms to every college kid, truckdriver and meth-head in town; so they can’t wait to double the rate. In fact, pretty much anywhere you go on NYE….you’re financially screwed. Seriously, why don’t people wake up on the first of January and think, “My New Year’s Resolution is to not spend that much money.”

In today’s world, only 2 places are left that won’t bust you on the final celebration of the year: Houseparties and comedy clubs. A houseparty will cost you a $2 bottle of Andre’s champagne or a Jumbo Size bag of Doritos. A comedy club will be slightly more expensive than normal, BUT….that includes a live show, dinner, champagne and party favors. (Not to mention the shiny hats and kazoos.) Plus, after midnight; you get to hang out with me. And trust me; that’s always priceless. I’m not conceited; I’m convinced.

GUY JUMPS OFF A BRIDGE….THEN GETS TASERED BY COPS 19 TIMES?

Yes, this really happened. In that order! But allow me to explain….

Mace Hutchinson, 16, was found by police underneath the 30-foot overpass bridge of a freeway in Ozark, Missouri. He evidently either fell or jumped. Either way, he got a broken heel AND a broken back. Now here’s where it gets weird….

After the fall/jump, witnesses saw the kid and called the cops. They claimed he “looked a little agitated”. Interesting. They also stated “In the Tour de France, Larry Flynt would have a slight disadvantage.”

So why did the police taser Mace 19 times AFTER he broke his back? According to the officers, he kept screaming “Shoot cops!” and running to the busy freeway. I can understand a couple of tasers, but 19? I’m sorry, but if two or more cops can’t detain a teenager with a broken back in a taser-less fashion, they should be demoted to dispatch. Learn to use your cuffs, boys. (“Shoot cops!” What if the kid was actually saying “Cute cops”?)

This incident actually improved kids’ behavior in Missouri. When their parents ask, “If your best friend jumped off a bridge, would you?”…..the kids now say, “Hell, no; I don’t wanna get tasered 19 times!”

One officer didn’t help matters when he justified his actions by saying, “We just proved to Rodney King and the African-American community that Law Enforcement uses excessive force on white people, too.” Can’t we all just get it wrong?

Mace’s family thinks the excessive tasering delayed his recovery, because doctors couldn’t operate until his body healed an extra 2 days. His dad said, “I’m really worried about his recovery.” Well, you should be worried about your son being a slow learner. (I don’t know about you; but after the cops taser me ONCE, I’m staying put.) Ozark Police Captain insists the tasering was necessary because Hutchinson refused to obey his men, threatened them, and – my personal fave – “It’s a big concern for the officers, to keep him out of traffic, to keep him from getting hurt.” I see. Well, you know what they say: The best way to avoid pain is to get gratuitously electroshocked by a stungun.

It’s ironic that the cops used their equipment to physically subdue a guy named “Mace”. I know a chick who accidentally maced herself named “Pepper”.

The Facts: A highschool boy jumps or falls off a bridge. There were no traces of alcohol nor drugs in his system. Cops arrive, and he starts yelling homicidal shit at them and running towards traffic….even after being repeatedly tasered. Why? He’s either suicidal or stupid.

The kid later defended himself, saying “I was auditioning for ‘Jackass’.” Considering the show went off the air nine years ago, I’m calling him “stupid”. Plus, he didn’t even have someone film him.

Imagine being tasered NINETEEN TIMES. After the first taser, Mace probably yelled “Shoot cops!” After the second, he probably screamed “Kill cops!” After the third, he probably went with “Stop, that hurts!” After the 10th: “I have no control over my muscles!” After the 13th: “I like donuts!” After the 18th: “Why is no one filming this?” After the 19th: “Alright, NOW I give up. You win!”

PATERNO INFERNO: THE TRUTH @ PENN STATE

You gotta Love Penn State, where the second “n” is silent, just like the calls to the police.

For those of you who aren’t familiar with the term ‘news’, lemme catch you up on this week: Former Penn State assistant football coach Jerry Sandusky was indicted with 40 counts of sex crimes against young boys. In 2002, a grad assistant told legendary Penn State coach Joe Paterno he saw Sandusky having sex with a 10-year-old boy in the University’s showers. Paterno reported this to Penn State athletic director Tim Curley and University VP Gary Shultz, but not to the cops. Curley and Shultz resigned after being charged with failing to report the incident to police and lying to a grand jury regarding what they knew about the incident. (Anyone else find it humorous that one of the guys charged with perjury shares the same name as one of “The Three Stooges”?) Paterno and University President Graham Spanier were not charged, but both have been criticized for not contacting the authorities. Then Paterno announced he would retire at the end of the season; but hours later, he and Spanier were both fired by the Penn State Board of Trustees.

The decision to fire Paterno sparked riots on campus, leading students to destroy public property and overturn a news van….though rumors suggest another cause for this unruly behavior was the cafeteria ran out of tacos.

Jerry Sandusky is 67 years old, and the charges against him are as recent as 2009. These poor kids couldn’t even outrun a senior citizen. This is just another reason to stop child obesity!

‘Ole Jerry, charged with sexually assaulting 8 boys over a 15-year-period, maintains his innocence. Here’s the deal….one kid accuses you, perhaps his parents are gold-diggers. Another kid accuses you, he could just be following the leader; or maybe he has a crush on you and is pissed you never made a move. But if 8 different children all independently finger you for fingering them….you did it.

This entire scandal reeks of bizarre irony. The witness who caught Sandusky is Mike McQueary. I repeat - the dude’s last name who caught Jerry Sandusky sodomizing a male minor is “McQueary”. The title of his 2001 autobiography is Touched: The Jerry Sandusky Story. And the coach had an ice cream flavor named after him at the campus creamery. The name of the flavor? “Jerry’s Hand-Packed Chocolate Fudge with Mini-Nuts”. Okay, I can’t exactly prove that last one; but you get my point. The clues were there….

Sandusky also founded The Second Mile Charity, dedicated to helping troubled, at-risk youths. That’s like Lindsay Lohan founding a charity dedicated to helping parole-violating cokewhores.

The Second Mile gets its name from the following Biblical passage: “And whosoever shall compel thee to go one mile, go with him two.” Interesting. If thee go with him Eight Mile, does thee suddenly become gifted at rhyming and unnecessarily angry?

Jerry said in his book, “I was happy beyond my wildest dreams to be known as a Penn State football coach, but I wanted to be remembered for something more.” How ‘bout burning in hell, Jer?

Sandusky is charged with “indecent assault”, which begs the following question: Is there such a thing as “decent assault”? I can’t imagine any victim of this awful crime saying, “Sure, I was raped; but he was so courteous and gentle; I didn’t feel a thing!”

HERE’S THE TRUTH: JoePa didn’t handle this scandal well; he should have called the police. But he doesn’t deserve to be fired on his last season. Come on, he’s Paterno. His name is just two letters away from “Paternal”. He was at Penn State for 61 years. He was the head coach for almost half a century, the longest-tenured coach in major football history. He raised millions of dollars for the University and personally donated over 4 million. He was the winningest coach in major college football; he’s got 409 victories; he reached 300 wins faster than any other coach; he’s got 2 national titles; and he led five teams to an entire season without a loss nor a tie….and he got fired THE SAME DAY HE ANNOUNCED HIS RETIREMENT AT THE END OF THE SEASON! Talk about not being allowed to finish the marathon on the 26th mile….

As I write this, Penn State has a great shot at playing The Big Ten championship game AND The Rose Bowl; they’re 8-1 for the season. Now that they’ve canned Joe Paterno, make that 8-2.

WHY KIM KARDASHIAN GOT DIVORCED

                                    …Who gives a shit?

 

 

 

20TH ANNIVERSARY OF NIRVANA’S “NEVERMIND”

It’s the 20-year anniversary of Nirvana’s “Nevermind”! I was a teenager when this cd was released. Wow….smells like Middle-Aged Spirit.

The kid on the album cover is pissed for two reasons: One, he didn’t even get paid the dollar he was chasing in the picture; and two, his penis hasn’t grown since the baby photo.

Who’s that kid? That would be Mr. Spencer Elden, whose name sounds like he’d be a British Duke and Captain of his Cricket team; but in this photo, he looks like every kid I’ve seen behind the counter at a DQ:

http://www.i-am-bored.com/bored_link.cfm?link_id=56119

Okay, to be fair; in this very different image…..Spencer looks like Robert Pattinson with an extra chromosome:

http://abclocal.go.com/kgo/story?section=news/entertainment&id=8368961

Seriously, Spencer didn’t receive any checks for the album pose; even though his father helped design the cover! There’d be no “Nevermind” CD cover with his old man; and the only green Daddy got was in Kurt Cobain’s roach clip. Come on, Courtney Love; at least give this boy some haircut and acne med money!

Nirvana gave birth to “grunge rock”, which killed “glam rock”. FUN FACT: The band Ugly Kid Joe had the world’s worst timing: They were a perfect glam rock band whose cd debuted merely weeks after Nirvana’s. Where are they now? Well, I started to google them, then I was like “nevermind”.

As for Nirvana…..Kurt Cobain’s considered a musical genius who completely changed rock n’ roll; Dave Grohl’s in arguably the best real rock band today (The Foo Fighters, for those of you who don’t own an FM radio); but what ever happened to basist Krist Novoselic? He became a politican, a published author, and is now studying to get his law degree. Jesus Fuckin’ Krist. Rumor has it he’s also working on a cancer cure and a solo cd titled, “Overachieving”.

Spencer told a reporter a few years ago, “It was kind of creepy [to think] that many people have seen me naked. I feel like I’m the world’s biggest porn star.”

Well, to be a porn star; you actually have to be having frequent sex. And no offense to the iconic Mr. Elden, but I don’t think chicks are lining up to shag a 20-year-old who looks like a cross between a stoned carny and Rapist Suspect #3 in a C.S.I. lineup.