Honest-2-God public sightings of Jesu

WHERE’S JESUS?

These are Honest-to-God public sightings of Jesus people…

Jesus was seen in Beeville, Texas in a breakfast taco; in Belfast, Northern Ireland on a tree stump in a cemetery; in Sunderland, England among the peeling paint on the door of a Chinese-food takeout stand; in Port St. Lucie, Florida; in a photo of the TV screen during the show “The Bachelor”; in Slendora, Texas on the mold of a bathroom wall; in New Orleans via a shadow cast through a chandelier in a Chapel; and in Charleston, South Carolina on the back of a dead stingray.

Man, this Jesus guy is practically omnipotent!

How come Jesus never physically appears in normal places when you desperately need him? Like in the passenger seat of your car when a cop pulls you over? Or at your dinner table when your credit card doesn’t go through? And why is no one witnessing Satan? Strangely enough, I’ve never seen Satan; but I’ve sure as hell heard him….every time I’ve listened to Rush Limbaugh.

WEIRD SHIT HAPPENS MEDLEY

Normally, my blog sticks to just one weird story; but there’s been so much bizarre activity in the news lately, I couldn’t make up my mind. Here’s a quick medley of my favorite current event oddities that no one could never make up:

CLUCK YOU!

The ongoing feud between two random Warwick, Rhode Island houses intensifies….Kathy Melker and Craig Fontane charged that neighbor Lynn Taylor has not only been harassing them with verbal insults and threats, but now she’s got her cockatoo in on the action! When asked to repeat what profane name the potty-mouth bird called her, Melker said “It rhymes with ‘clucking bore’. I’ve never been called that in my life!”

Don’t worry, Kathy. My parrot used to call my ex-girlfriend something that rhymes with “Cupid Bunt”. Man, he was brilliant…..

Perhaps this cockatoo’s getting a bad rap. Maybe he just has Tourette’s?

OLD MACDONALD SENT A TEXT….

Teams of Swiss researchers are developing tools that improve farmer’s efficiency and reduce the need for shepherds. Research group Kora hooked up sheep with heart rate monitors that, when predators approach, register blood-pressure spikes that are texted to the shepherd, summoning him to the scene.

This is causing a furious outrage among rednecks everywhere. This also marks the first time the words “texted” and “shepherd” have shared the same sentence.

Cow farmers constantly need to locate and examine cows that might be in heat, but professors at a Bern technical college are testing placing thermometers in cows’ genitals, with text messages alerting the farmer which cows are ready for mating. Since most insemination is done artificially, farmers can reduce the supply of bull semen they need to keep in inventory.

THE NEW WORST PART-TIME JOB: A farmer’s intern.

What a strange text for the farmer to receive, huh? He’s watering crops in the middle of a field; his phone vibrates on his belt; he picks it up and reads, “Hurry Up! Bertha’s Wet.” (“P.S.: Don’t run with the bull semen!”)

TRICKLE-DOWN PANDANOMICS

Researchers in Animal Behaviour hypothesized why male pandas perform handstands near trees….they’re urinating. Seriously. Evidently, doing handstands streams the urine higher on the tree, signaling their mating superiority.

What a double standard! Pandas pee on trees while doing handstands, and they’re sexual stallions; but when I do it, I get kicked out of Rainforest Cafe.

If peeing on yourself indicates you’re a great lover….every toddler would look like a porn star.

A San Diego Zoo researcher involved in this study noted that an accompanying gland secretion gives off even more “personal” information to other pandas than just urine.

Um….What sort of “personal” info is this? Mother’s maiden name, facebook password, credit card number?

Apparently, these Pandas are able to pull off this handstand pisser trick incredibly fast. My nickname for it? “The Panda Express”.

HAIR OF THE DOG THAT COST YOU

Health care expenses for pets are rising faster than movie tickets, as companion animals are given almost equal status as family members. (At my Grandma’s house, animals are worth a lot more than actual family members.) In Australia, veterinarians who provide dental services told Queensland’s Sunday Mail they have even begun to see clients demanding cosmetic dental work — including orthodontic braces and other mouth work to give dogs “kissable breath” and smiles improved by removing the gap-tooth look.

Rumor has it these veterinarians will be shipped overseas to perform the same cosmetic dental work on British factory workers. I’m joking; the veterinarians will be shipped overseas to perform the same cosmetic dental work on ALL British people.

METHINKS HE DOTH CONFESS TOO MUCH

Roy Mullen, posing for his most recent photo to be posted on the Tennessee sex offender registry in September, wore a t-shirt reading “Love Sucks /True Love Swallows.” Too bad Roy’s Mom didn’t swallow.

TAT FOR TIT

Hubert Leverich, 40, was arrested in Danville, Va. and charged with sexual abuse of an underage girl. Leverich’s permanently tattooed forehead reads “Felon Thoughts” and (in English gothic lettering) “Insane.”

In his defense, Hubert is illiterate and was taken advantage of by his tatoo artist, who told him the tat read, “Don’t Hire Me”.

COME ON, BABY, LIGHT MY GAS STATION

Kalpeshkumar Patel, 40, failed in June to carry out his longstanding threat to burn down the Chevron station in High Springs, Florida. After dousing his car with gasoline in front of the store, he realized he had no lighter or matches and had to ask several customers, without success, to help him out. He was arrested before he could do any damage.

What could his icebreaker possibly have been to these strangers? “Excuse me, do you have a light? I need to torch this place immediately.” (3 seconds later) “Don’t lock your door! Stop being so selfish!”

BEEN CAUGHT STEALIN’….WITH MY MOM

Ignatius “Michael” Pollara, 46, and his mother, 70, were arrested following what police said was a 10-year shoplifting spree that spanned 50 states. They were nabbed in Fort Lauderdale because, according to Sgt. Rich Rossman, Pollara could not resist using a “rewards” card traced to him, which he used to get credit for some of the purchases he had switched for more expensive items.

Well, Michael; The Bad News is…you’re getting 3-5 years. But The Good News is…you’re getting 3-5 bucks off on your next Target purchase! Enjoy that in half a decade, if the store still exists. You should have listened to your Mom and used those Thrifty Nickel coupons.

MY TRIBUTE TO ANDY RODDICK

Andy Roddick just retired. For those of you who are allergic to sports (as well as my rebellious Aimish readers), Andy Roddick has been the greatest American male tennis player for about the last decade.

Though millions of us enjoy watching and playing it, tennis is not the most popular sport in America. Any game whose score includes the word “Love” is never gonna win a masculinity contest. However, I argue it’s the most equally grueling physical and mental sport out there. Baseball, basketball, football and hockey all have teams: and in these games, you don’t even have to play to be part of the team. Even in golf, you’re out there talking strategy with your caddy. Tennis is the only sport where you’re completely alone. You don’t just sit on the bench; baby, you play the entire time. No one is in your face motivating you; there’s no one next to you to blame – you either win or lose the match all by yourself.

Andy Roddick won one major title, the 2003 U.S. Open. Most tennis fans thought this would be surely be the first of many; and he’d soon be in the history books for sharing multiple titles like Agassi, Connors, McEnroe, Borg and Sampras…..this would be his lone Grand Slam, but Roddick’s had an undeniably outstanding career. Most of the time, he played incredible and to the ultimate of his abilities…..he just happened to compete in an era with 3 of the greatest tennis players ever – Federer, Nadal and Djokovic. (Who recently combined to win 29 of 30 Grand Slams in a 7-and-a-half-year period.)

Roddick’s resume may not include multiple Slam wins, but he is undoubtedly a future Tennis Hall of Famer: He was The World Number 1; won 32 titles – including The U.S. Open and 9 Masters Series 1000 tournaments; he and Federer are the only men who’ve won at least 1 tourney for the last 12 years in a row; he won over 600 matches (75% of all matches played), made over $20.5 million in prize money, was a Top 10 player in the world 9 years in a row; has the second best Davis Cup record next to McEnroe; is in the Guiness Book of World Records at least 4 times; and is hands-down the funniest tennis player in the history of the sport.

Just to prove how quick and witty the guy is in his press conferences, here’s a quick Top 10 List of my favorite Roddick quotes:

10) “It was frustrating. It was miserable. It sucked. It was terrible. Besides that, it was fine.”

  • Answering “What was it like for you?” after being destroyed 6-4, 6-0, 6-2 by Federer in the ’07 Australian Open semis.

9)

  1. “Well, the score gets better for her every time she tells the story, also. She’s good at not letting the truth get in the way of a good story.”

- Responding to Serena’s claim that she beat Roddick when they were kids.

8)

  1. “I need to be a tennis commentator; it’s gotta be the easiest job in the world. If somebody wins; you say, ‘They did what they were supposed to do’; if somebody loses, you say, ‘They should have done this and this.’ Does that about wrap up a hard day at the office?”
  • To TV commentators Pat McEnroe and Chris Fowler after a match

7)

  1. “There’s a lot of strategy talk. It’s not so much like, if you’re down 6-4, 6-0, 2-0. You know? We didn’t talk about that….oops.”
  • On “Did you talk to your coach about what to do if Roger gets on a roll?” (See #10)

6) “I think everyone knows that I’m always in Roger Federer’s head. That’s about as consistent as gravity.”

  • On “The Late Show with David Letterman”, sarcastically responding to Letterman asking “After the Wimbledon final, are you in his head more than ever now?”

5) “I’m happy for my wife’s success; but let’s be honest: It’s not Lawrence of Arabia.”

  • On his reaction to wife Brooklyn Decker starring in the Adam Sandler flick Just Go With It.

4)

  1. “It wasn’t fair. When we were ten, I literally had to run around in the shower to get wet (extending a pinky) I was this big; and she was bench-pressing dumptrucks already.”

- Explaining his loss to Serena at age 10.

3) “I don’t know. I’m not a doctor; that’s not my profession. That’s why tomorrow I made an appointment with a doctor. (beat) You guys know I’m an athlete, right?”

  • When asked “What’s wrong with your knee?” after retiring from a match due to injury.

2) “I think that you should retire.”

  • To a Chinese reporter with an incredibly thick accent who asked a long and complicated question that ended with, “Who do you think should retire?”

AND THE NUMBER ONE:

  1. “I got broken; then I got broken 3 more times; then I got broken 2 more times in the 3rd set; and then the match was over about 26 minutes later. Is that about what you saw, too?”

- Answering the question, “Andy, what happened out there today?” (See #7&10)

Andy Roddick can certainly be viewed as, well, the second syllable in his last name. Though he was careful to never profanely lambast officials like Johnny Mac, he frequently made comments during matches like, “You’re an idiot! Stay in school, kids; or you’ll end up an umpire.” But he always said the things that all the other players wish they had the balls to say, on and off the court; and that’s what makes him so damn entertaining. (Hey Federer, Murray and all the top players: You should hire Roddick to write clever zingers for your press conferences! Please? The sport really needs it now.)

As impressed as I’ve been with his performances on the tennis court and in the press conferences, what I admire most about Andy Roddick is his character. He started The Andy Roddick Foundation, which has raised over $10 million for 10 different charities since ’01; and The Andy Roddick Youth Program in San Antonio, which assists disadvantaged children and awards scholarships to private schools and universities. He won The Arthur Ashe Humanitarian Award in ’04. He refused to defend his title in Dubai, even after being offered more financial compensation, because the United Arab Emirates denied an Israeli player a Visa for the event. He also once saved a group of guests from a hotel fire. I don’t know if he drinks Dos Equis, but he is the most interesting tennis player in the world.

Roddick always had the ability – no matter how bad he was defeated nor how poorly he played – to shake his opponent’s hand, look him in the eye and say, “Good job.” Win or lose, that’s the mark of a true champion.

Congratulations on a fine career, Andy. I’m sad to see you go, but happy for ya. You’re retiring a multi-millionaire at age 30 who’s married to Supermodel/actress Brooklyn Decker. Game, set and match – Roddick!

DEALER BUSTED AFTER SENDING MOM TO GET HEROIN

37-year-old drug dealer Jesus “Pepe” Fuentes was arrested in Chicago after his mother botched a heroin pickup for him. Eager to see rapper Scarface in concert, Fuentes sent his Ma to fetch the 10-kilo drop. She grabbed the entire shipment, but the drug train quickly came to a screeching halt when police pulled her over for failure to use a turn signal. NOTE TO ALL DEALERS: If you’re gonna send Yo Momma to pick up your stash, make sure she’s completed Defensive Heroin Driving.

I don’t have a problem with heroin dealers, but I have a huge problem with LAZY heroin dealers. Imagine this selfish prick saying to the woman who gave birth to him, “Come on, Mom! I wanna see the show; can you just go pick up my Mexican Brown? Puh-leeeze?!!!”

Man, some rappers can’t even perform in concert without being involved in a drug bust.

Let’s dig a little deeper….Mom drove a silver minivan to the North Side Pancake House and picked up 10 kilos of heroin. Come on, Fuentes Family. If you’re gonna make a drug drop at a Pancake House, at least make it IHOP! Which begs the following question: When ordering heroin at IHOP, instead of the Rooty Tooty Fresh N’ Fruity; do you get the Wacky Blackie Tar N’ Smacky?

I’ll give Fuentes’ madre points for effort. When the cops asked her about the 10 kilos, her defense was “I thought the bags of all that white stuff were sugar!”

Here’s her true fatal flaw: Mom pulled the drug pickup in front of a pancake house. She should’ve chosen a Chinese restaurant. That way, at least there’d be legitimate confusion when ordering “China White”.

On the positive….This story has inspired a new minivan rhyme-themed ad slogan: “Minivans: Just pack, tie the rack and put anything in the back: From a yak to a knick-knack to smack!” (It needs some editing, but the jingle will be a catchy rap. Hammer’s excited, ‘cause he really needs the money.)

I feel bad for Fuentes’ mom. She does a simple favor for her boy…and ends up in the slammer. And I ain’t impressed with Mr. Jesus “Pepe” Fuentes; this is not a creative dealer. “Hi, I’m Jesus; but my undercover street name is ‘Pepe’.” Jesus, Pepe! Way to hide your identity, Douche with the Dragon Tatoo. (If you’re trying to figure it out, my street name is “Clyde Stevens”.)

I look for invigoration in every facet of life; and by God, this story has sparked my imagination: I’m gonna write a movie scene where a kingpin sends a henchmen to go get his “heroin supply”….and the dude comes back with Princess Leia, Batgirl, and Joan of Arc.

TOPLESS SHOPLIFTER ESCAPES!

The only thing worse than finding out your Mom stole Pampers….is discovering she also fought security guards and ran out of the store topless. This was Aishana Clayton’s plan of attack, and it worked perfectly.

After security guards in a Pathmark store in Upper Darby, Pennslyvania saw Ms. Clayton swipe a boxer of Pampers, they quickly captured her and took her to an in-store holding area. (Why doesn’t every store have a “Criminal Section”? Ross does; it’s the entire building.) Most caught culprits would have just stopped here. But not this crazy bitch….Clayton allegedly punched, bit and scratched a 47-year-old female security guard! When the poor guard finally grabbed ahold of Clayton’s shirt, she immediately wiggled her way out and sprinted through the store and into the parking lot WITH NO TOP ON!

This was actually confirmed by Upper Darby Police Superintendant Michael Chitwood, who said on record; “Her breasts were swinging as she ran out of the store.” Well, for those of you trying to guess her cup size; I think we can safely rule out “Double A”. If her funbags were literally swinging, this visual could be very stimulating…..or very disturbing. She either has beautifully sculpted, symmetrically perfect flesh-scoops, or stretch mark-infested, unidentified wound-covered Bungee-Boobies. Either way, most men could probably find a way to climax to the security tape.

Clayton continued her semi-naked jog to a getaway car waiting in the parking lot, and they escaped. Imagine being the getaway driver on a Diaper Job. Is this one step up from a Lollypop Heist?

Now imagine being a customer walking toward the store as you see a psychotic, topless woman desperately galloping out the front door. Would it motivate you to go in the store, or scare you away? Or would you run after the naked chick? From now on, Pathmark stores should include these questions in EVERY job interview.

This girl should be easy to catch; the cops just need to look for a woman wearing a bra made out of Pampers.

Let’s check out Clayton’s rap sheet…..The Good News: She’s only on parole ‘til November! The Bad News: She has prior convictions for aggravated assault, attempted murder, and FOUR DIFFERENT convictions for retail theft. Damn, Aishana’s spent so much time in jail; she could play for The Raiders. (And according to this story, she’s got better defense.)

For this latest episode, Ms. Clayton is facing charges for robbery, retail theft, simple assault, recklessly endangering another person, and harassment. Isn’t something missing? How ‘bout INDECENT EXPOSURE? A topless chick gets caught stealing and beating up employees, and gets charged for everything BUT flashing her titties? I guarantee you if a dude pulled the same stunt with his crank swinging out of his pants, the FIRST criminal offense would be “Public Indecency”. Then again, security probably wouldn’t tackle him….

You know what the weirdest part of this diaper-robbery is? Aishana doesn’t have any children.

THE REPUBLICAN RACE: HOW MITT BEAT THE PITS

I’m not a political comedian. Politics instantly cut your fanbase by 50%, which would leave me with about 12 people.

During a recent radio interview, the host asked me “Do you do an Obama impression?” I answered, “No but if I did, I would start off on the left side of the stage….then slowly work my way over to the right…..then move back to the middle. But my only goal would be to simply please everyone.”

My goal as a comic is to simply entertain people. Over the last year…..a lot of you asked me to write a political blog, specifically about the GOP race for Presidential Candidate. I knew Romney was gonna win from the get-go, so lemme show you how he did it. I’ll try my best to sincerely compliment each candidate, then I’ll reveal exactly how they each experienced an epic fail.

RICK SANTORUM

Okay, Santorum gets a “Thumbs up” for only one category: His stance on poverty. Contrary to many conservatives, he’s actually been a huge advocate of helping victims of absolute poverty. Bono says “He has been a defender of the most vulnerable.” Dude, I can’t argue with that.

However, in every other category…..I find Santorum’s views more distorted than Hunter S. Thompson staring through a Kaleidoscope after taking “The Brown Acid”.

Check out Santorum’s stance on Immigration – He wants to build a barrier along the US-Mexican border and increase the number of boarder patrol agents; he believes illegal immigrants who commit crimes should be deported immediately, and believes undocumented immigrants shouldn’t receive government handouts. Yet his father immigrated from Italy at the age of 7. Hmm….Rick needs to worry less about his view on immigration and more about his view on contradiction.

How ‘bout his Foreign Policy – Santorum supports The War on Terror and believes Iran is the center of much of the world’s terror, but he doesn’t think we should take direct military action. Umm…what? In a related story, every time Rick Santorum sees a kettle, he points at it and screams, “You’re black!”

His views on Education – Santorum believes Obama is a snob because he wants every American to go to college for a year. He also claims 62% of people who go to college with some sort of religious faith graduate without it. Well, either Santorum needs to work on his prayers; or God doesn’t want him to be President.

His views on Homosexuality – After comparing gay relationships to beastiality and incest, Rick experienced major backlash when gay activist/sex columnist Dan Savage held a contest among his readers to create a new definition for “Santorum”. It’s become Santorum’s infamous “Google Problem”, especially since Google refused to remove this new definition from its search engine. (If the suspense is killing you – and I know it is – check out http://www.spreadingsantorum.com for the winning “entry”.)

My favorite Santorum opinion is his one on Sex. He opposes contraception and claims if elected, he would declare a War on Porn. Yeah, then he’d immediately declare a War on Rape. He says porn causes violence on women. No, lack of porn causes that. Santorum puts the “goober” in “gubernatorial”.

In explaining why his highschool nickname was “Rooster”, Santorum claims it was because of his cowlick strands of hair and assertive nature. However, his classmates say they called him “Rooster” ‘cause he’s an annoying cock, especially in the morning.

RICK PERRY

He’s likable. Charming. Funny. Of all the GOP choices, he’s the one you wanna have a beer with. Plus, set a record for 82 vetos in 1 legislative session. (He technically had an 83rd, but he immediately vetoed that decision.)

So how’d he lose? He just happened to have the most embarrassing moment in the history of GOP debates. Was it as bad as James Stockdale’s hearing aid going off in the ’92 VP debates? Lord, no….it was worse.

Rick seemed to be on a roll when vehemently declaring to Ron Paul that he would eliminate three federal agencies….until he tried to name ‘em. He listed, “Commerce, education, and the uh,….what was the third one there?”

Now if Perry meant this as a joke, it would have been brilliant. Unfortunately, he was seriously blanking out, like Tom Cruise when he returned from Nam on Born on the Fourth of July. On Perry’s second attempt, he blanked again; and Romney even suggested, “EPA.” Rick playfully agreed, “Yeah, EPA.” This actually got laughter and applause, which Perry STILL could have gotten away with if he had thought of that 3rd piece of the puzzle.

Then the moderator asked Perry, “But you can’t name the third one?”

‘Ole Rick retorted, “No, sir; no, sir. I would do away with Education, uh…commerce and let’s see….”

Then he proceeded to search his notes in a panic, like a drunk driver fumbling for his license and registration. “I can’t. The third one? I can’t, sorry. (beat) Oops.” If you watch the clip, you can actually hear The Perry Campaign Train come to a screeching halt:

I honestly think Perry got distracted when he looked at Ron Paul, who made an awkward gesture with his hand and looked frighteningly like Charon the Skeletal Ferryman from “Clash of the Titans”. Regardless, Perry made George W. sound like Morgan Freeman.

DID YOU KNOW……Perry supports the death penalty, even for the mentally retarded. No wonder Santorum is afraid of him.

The other problem with Rick Perry: He’s racist. FACT: Last October, the Washington Post reported that Perry’s family leases a hunting camp called “Niggerhead“. According to local residents interviewed by the Post, his family partied on the camp for years before finally painting over a large rock with that name on it. Perry’s campaign disputed the claims, stating he painted over the rock immediately after leasing the property in 1983. (What they declined to mention is what Rick painted over the rock: “Darkie Dome”.)

MICHELE BAUCHMANN

Republicans, I give you credit for having Herman Cain and Michele Bauchmann as two of your candidates. But come on….did anyone REALLY think the GOP vote would be won by a woman or a black dude? Please, you’d have a better shot at staying married to Kim Kardashian for 3 months.

Okay, my only compliment on Michele Bauchmann is she’s a MILF. I’m convinced she’s actually Sara Palin with blue contacts and no glasses. She’s also great with kids; she and her husband have 5 of their own, and they’ve provided care for 23 other kids, all teenage girls. These two either love children, or love avoiding having sex with each other.

Bauchmann is uber-religious. She’s one of those Christians who believes God loves everyone….except those who don’t worship Him. And The Gays, of course.

Michele and her husband Marcus own a Christian counseling practice. He’s denied that they practice Conversion Therapy, the act of converting the homosexual to the heterosexual. However, a former client of the clinic and a hidden investigator claim otherwise. Marcus reacted with, “That accusation is so gay!”

Their clinic received $30,000 from MN government agencies, at least $137,000 in federal payments, and $24,000 in government grants for counselor training. She and her husband also earned money from his father’s farm, which got $260,000 in federal crop and disaster subsidies. And she doesn’t believe in government handouts…..You know you’re in trouble when Santorum calls you a ‘hypocrite’.

Michele was an attorney for the IRS. No wonder she’s so good at holding onto her money….

She suffered a miscarriage, which helped shape her pro-life views. I conceived a great punchline about this, but I aborted it.

She’s not the quickest. In defining ‘mandate’, Bauchmann answered, “A date two men should never be on together”. I’m sure God forgives you, Michele.

HERMAN CAIN

Republicans, Herman Cain was a BRILLIANT move! What a response to Obama: “Alright, Dems. We’ll see your self-made, inspirational-speaking, black, liberal President….and raise you our self-made, inspirational-speaking, black Baptist Minister/Radio Talk Show Host/Tea Party-advocating, conservative candidate. And oh, yeah – did we mention he’s a cancer survivor?”

Cain’s an interesting fellow – He’s been an analyst for the Navy, the CEO of Godfather’s Pizza and the National Restaurant Association; he’s been on the Board of Directors for 5 huge, national companies; managed over 400 Burger Kings; and he’s received honorary degrees for 9 different Universities. So what’s the problem?

Everything was going smooth for Cain: He became a Youtube sensation and the surprise Republican favorite; he was clearly the most exciting and most press-covered GOP candidate; and last year he was even ahead of Obama in the polls. This made most Republicans happy, except for the other candidates. The Romney and Gingrich Camps asked themselves, “How the hell do we stop this guy?” Remember – with enough money, you can always dig up some dirt….

Every politician has an Achilles’ Heel. Cain has an Achilles’ Penis. Turns out….while Cain was CEO of the National Restaurant Associaton, two women accused him of sexual harassment and misconduct. Cain denied these allegations, BUT HE ADMITTED THAT HIS COMPANY PAID THESE WOMEN FINANCIAL SETTLEMENTS. Many people translated this as, “I’m innocent….but I still paid these bitches to keep their mouths shut.”

Then, two more women made the same accusations; and two of the four stepped forward. On November 28, 2011, (right when Republicans were deciding who to vote for) Cain asserted that a woman named Ginger White would be claiming to have had an affair with him, and that the allegation was not true. AN HOUR LATER….White told a TV reporter she had a 13-YEAR AFFAIR with Cain, which ended right before his presidential campaign. He denounced these allegations as a “character assassination”; 3 days later, he suspended his campaign. Within 72 hours, his numbers in the polls dropped lower than the average teenage pedestrian’s pants in Compton.

After suspending his campaign, Cain first endorsed Newt Gingrich, and then on May 15 this year; he endorsed Mitt Romney. In other words, Romney offered him more money. (“Sorry about that Ginger White thing, Hermie.”)

I wonder…..when Cain was harassing women at Burger King, did he ever ask one to have his Whopper her way?

LITTLE-KNOWN FACT ABOUT CAIN: He not only publicly opposed the Clinton’s Health Care Plan, he personally challenged Bill on its costs at a town meeting; telling him “Your calculation is inaccurate.”

This guy’s got balls the size of a Macy’s Day Parade float! A black man that doesn’t like Clinton? Wow. That’s like a Jewish guy that doesn’t like discounts.

Cain’s invented his own tax policy plan, “The 9-9-9 Plan”; which is different than Clinton’s tax policy, “The Sixty-Nine Plan”, which is popular among overweight white women.

NEWT GINGRICH

Of all the Republican candidates, Newt’s got the best resume: The southern regional director for Nelson Rockefeller; winner of Georgia’s 6th Congressional District 7 times in a row (20 consecutive years); co-founder of the Military Reform Caucus (MRC) the Congressional Aviation and Space Caucus; founder of the Conservative Opportunity Society (COS), the Center for Health Transformation, and the American Solutions for Winning the Future; House Minority Whip; Speaker of the House; Time’s “Man of the Year” in ’95; and the longest-serving teacher of the Joint Flag Officer Warfighting Course at U.S. Air Forces’s Air University. He’s also authored 27 books. This guy cranks out literature like Stephen King on 5-hour Energy Drinks.

So why’d he lose? Do people STILL think he’s a crybaby for wining to the press how Clinton refused to discuss the budget with him on that flight from Israel? Do people STILL think he’s dishonest for lying about his taxes? No, the answer is simple: He’s fat. No joke, people. While obesity in America is at an embarrassing all-time high, we can’t afford to further this stereotype by electing a fat President. If our ruler is hogging all the hummus at The United Nations, what kind of message are we sending to the rest of the world? The U.S. hasn’t had a fat president since William Howard Taft. He left office in 1913, ALMOST A CENTURY AGO!

RANDOM FACT: Newt’s a dinosaur enthusiast, which explains why he likes Ron Paul.

Newt Gingrich isn’t environmental. The only thing he knows how to recycle is his wives. However, rumor has it while speaking in Phoenix last July, it was so hot that Newt started believing in Global Warming.

Honestly, I don’t think Newt’s problems are political. Let’s do a quick recap of his personal life: He married Jackie Battley, his former highschool teacher, when he was 19 and she 26. Okay, at this point, I have the upmost respect for the man. Here’s where it dissolves: Newt left Jackie after having an affair with Marianne Ginther, who was 16 years younger than her. Jackie told The Washington Post the divorce was a “complete surprise”; and when he visited her at the hospital when she was recovering from surgery, he just wanted to discuss their divorce. According to L.H. Carter, Gingrich’s campaign treasurer, Newt said of Jackie, “She’s not young enough or pretty enough to be the wife of the President. And besides, she has cancer.” Right after this, Fox News offered him his own program called, “No Sympathy with Newt”.

Second Marriage: Six months after his divorce was final, Gingrich wed Marianne Ginther. Then Newt had an affair with House of Representatives staffer Callista Bisek, who was 23 years younger. Marianne told Nightline Newt tried to allow an “open marriage”. 4 months after they divorced, he married Callista. And they’ve been together ever since. Presumably, because she hasn’t gotten cancer.

RON PAUL

Ron Paul was the most original and smartest GOP candidate, and that’s exactly why he lost. Is he a Republican or a Libertarian? Let’s find out…

Paul has run as a Libertarian and a Republican, he’s the first Representative in history to serve concurrently with a child in the Senate, he’s considered “The intellectual Godfather of The Tea Party Movement”, served in Congress for over 3 decades (Practically since its inception), was a flight surgeon for The Air Force, and he’s an obi-gyne who’s delivered more than 4,000 babies. That’s right; Ron Paul has seen more pussy than Wilt Chamberlain.

1988 Election: The good news, Ron Paul came in third in the popular vote! The bad news, it was only .5% of the population. But hey, it was more than 432,000 people; that’s like getting everyone in Kansas City to vote for you.

Paul definitely has an effect on people. In the November 2008 general election, Paul withdrew from the race and STILL received 41,905 votes. That’s gotta suck for Ralph Nader and the Green Party losers who kept campaigning with 8 total votes, huh?

In ’96, Paul was re-elected to Congress and narrowly won with the help of politician/commentator Pat Buchanan, tax activist/publisher Steve Forbes and baseball phenomenon Nolan Ryan. Ron Paul has more connections than The Corleone Family.

One thing Paul doesn’t connect on is making a bill become a law. Of the 620 bills he sponsored while in Congress for over 22 years, only one had been signed into law – a lifetime success rate of less than 0.3%. “Conjunction Junction, what’s your Dysfunction?” That’s a prime example of why he didn’t win – Americans are into immediate results, and Paul thinks long-term.

He’s a brilliant man, he’s helped create a new movement, but the reality is: Ron Paul is just too old to be President. Had he won, he would have taken over the Oval Office at 77 years old. Our national leader should be in charge of military tanks, not oxygen tanks. If he wears a cloak, he looks like The Dark Lord of The Sith.

Paul is outspoken; he’s the only Republican candidate who’s EVER publicly criticized Reagan, calling him “disgraceful” and “a dramatic failure”. That’s like a stoner lambasting Bob Marley. He’s also the only 2008 Republican presidential candidate who voted against the Iraq War Resolution in 2002. When he lost the Republican Party Presidential Primary Election in ’08, Paul criticized both major parties; saying since they both don’t intend to challenge the status quo, there’s no real difference between them. Paul refused to endorse the Republican Party’s Presidential nominee (John McCain) and supported third-party candidates. I respect Ron Paul – he sticks to his guns, even if they’re not loaded.

WHAT ALSO HURT HIM: Ron’s famous newsletters were extremely controversial. Some discussed conspiracy theories and praised anti-government militia movements. (Okay, we have an answer – Ron Paul is Libertarian.) His newsletters also many quotes that were racist, Anti-Semitic and homophobic. (I take that back; Ron Paul’s totally Republican.)

So that’s how Mitt Romney took the Republican ticket – By default. He was up against a racist with severe memory loss, a “Rooster” who’s more focused on The War on Porn than The War on Terror, a crazy chick who used to represent the IRS and runs a business that converts homos into heteros, a black man who hates Clinton yet shares the same libido, a chubby dude who leaves his wife if she’s too old or has cancer, and a Libertarian who hates Reagan.

AND THEN THERE WAS MITT….

Of course Mitt Romney was gonna win. All he had to do was stand next to these buffoons and let ‘em talk. And Romney really is the quintessential GOP representative: He’s white, religious and rich.

How rich, you ask? Romney has TWICE the net worth of the last eight presidents COMBINED. When he was elected Governor of Massachusetts, he donated over $6 million to his own campaign. Money can’t buy love, but it can buy your dream job.

Mitt’s all over the media. 10 years ago, People included him in their 50 Most Beautiful People list, and this year Time named him in their list of the 100 Most Influential people. And if you don’t think Mitt Romney’s influential, just ask his publicists how much they got paid to put him in these magazines.

And hey – he’s handsome! That goes a long way with TV-watching voters. I don’t care what their politics are, I’m always gonna vote for Charlize Theron over Rhea Perlman.

Romney has been politically fickle; and the more conservative he gets, the more popular he gets. He went from pro-choice to pro-life, became a gun-loving hunter, and suddenly stopped having problems with corporate tax loopholes. Mitt doesn’t have policies; he has strategies. In defending himself to critics accusing him of pandering, Romney said “The older I get, the smarter Ronald Reagan gets.” Oh, Christ; Mitt. Why don’t you just start wearing an all-red wardrobe? Just remember this, folks: If you vote for Romney, you’re not really voting for Romney. You’re voting for what he thinks you want to vote for.

Aside from that, what’s my personal opinion? Romney’s smart, eloquent and successful. He’s also more boring than the Academy Awards President Tom Sherak reading a phonebook. He’s a Mormon who’s done missionary work, where he preached “No smoking, no drinking and no unmarried sex”. In other words….no fun. (The only “missionary” I’m interested in is the sexual position.) But Romney’s true to his religious beliefs; because in this year’s GOP race, he’s the only one who DIDN’T get fucked.

ROBBER GETS CAUGHT BY BRAGGING ON FB

Sometimes life imitates art. This time, life imitated a bad SNL sketch with Kenan Thompson….except this is funny: A dude and his girlfriend got caught robbing a Dollar General after he posted pics on his Facebook of him holding a huge wad of cash and wearing THE EXACT SAME HAT as the robber in the store video.

Seriously, Mr. Jovan Cummings did this after heisting a Dollar General with his sidekick Nicole Catherine Eaton. If you see her mugshot, you’ll learn her last name bears no irony.

Jovan would have gotten away with it, if he didn’t post FB images of him showing off his loot and videos of him brandishing precisely the same gun that was used in the robbery. Worse than that? His videos got 47 “likes”.

Mr. Cummings told reporters, “Next time, Ima hit a 99 cent store and put dat on Myspace!” Well, this would actually be a wise choice, ‘cause no one would ever see it.

Burglarizing a Dollar General? Dude, you’d earn more Street Cred knocking off a Lemonade Stand. The criminals didn’t get cash, but they did get a truckload of Mickey Mouse Pencil Erasers and the Ever-Popular Mexican Cleaning Product, “Limpia El Piso!”

The perpetrators bound a Dollar General employee with duct tape from the store. After they ran out, the employee wasn’t able to call the police until the faulty duct tape dissolved. In other words, 2 minutes later.

The Sarasota-Herald Tribute reported that “the suspects were “arrested for allegedly robbing a Dollar General”. I don’t understand reporters’ definitions of “allegedly” and “suspect”. When I hear a newscaster say “The suspect was seen carjacking vehicles, shooting innocent people and fleeing from the police”…..he’s no longer a “suspect”; he fucking did it! “Innocent ‘Til Proven Guilty”? No, how ‘bout “Guilty When Acting Guilty”. What’s next? Are we going to hear a reporter say, “The suspect just shot me in the gut. I’m allegedly bleeding….”

Cummings is in the Sarasota County jail, and his bail is $470,000. Wow….I assumed if you rob a Dollar General, your bail would be 300 bucks tops.

Maybe I’m being too hard on Jovan Cummings. Perhaps he was just trying to exercise his right to a speedy trial. Regardless, I “suspect” he’s guilty.

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