WHY KATY & RUSSELL GOT DIVORCED

So Katy Perry and Russell Brand are getting divorced. No way. You mean to tell me things didn’t work out between a twenty-something female pop singer and a middle-aged, former drug addict/current sex addict male movie star? I’m beyond awestruck.

BOTTOM LINE: You just can’t have a Hollywood marriage work when BOTH celebs are near the peaks of their careers. They’re each busier than a 1-legged man in an ass-kicking contest; they’re inundated with filming, travel and press; they have no time to dedicate to their spouse; and they work with the most beautiful people on earth. Paul Newman and Joanne Woodward were exceptions to the rule; but they met AFTER their careers were on track, and Paul clearly had the more successful career. After all, that famous salad dressing isn’t called “Woodward’s Own”. Tom Hanks and Rita Wilson are a lovely celeb couple; but again, they’re not quite on the same cinematic success level. Tommy’s one of only two people ever to win an Oscar for a leading role two years in a row (The answer is Spencer Tracy – there, I just saved you 10 seconds of googling); and Rita Wilson’s most impressive credits include Teen Witch, Cheech and Chong’s Next Movie, and Jingle All the Way. (She was also in Psycho, but it was the ’98 remake version.)

Why was Brand the one who filed for divorce? ‘Cause all her partying with Rhianna makes him uncomfortable? ‘Cause he doesn’t respect her Christian minister parents’ beliefs? ‘Cause he’s a sex addict that can never be faithful? These are all probably true, but none are the reason Russell decided to legally split. HERE’S THE REASON: Brand divorced her because they had no pre-nup. Oh Katy, honey; have you learned nothing from Kanye?

They both live in Cali, a state where if a married couple has no pre-nuptial agreement….all assets must be divided equally. Brand is already worth $15 million. But Katy’s worth $44 million, which now makes him the official breadwinner. That’s why I’ll never divorce my wife; I can’t leave her with an estate worth 48 bucks!

The moral of the story is….evangelical pastors shouldn’t have kids, ‘cause they’ll only grow up to be debaucherous rockstars who marry reformed heroin addict/current sex addict movie stars who take half their shit. Now that’s Hot and Cold.

NEW YEAR’S EVE

New Year’s Eve is more over-rated than Channing Tatum. On this holiday night, virtually any social event will be expensive, crowded; and unless your Designated Driver has been sober for a good decade, it’s definitely gonna suck for someone in your group.

And what is this absurd pressure on New Year’s Eve to kiss someone at midnight? When I was single, my crew would always start partying around 7….heavily flirt with several prospects by 9….attempt to solely focus on one makeout target but still have at least 2 back-ups around 11….make sure your tonsil hockey buddy is as drunk as you @ 11:30ish…..and OHMIGOD, AT MIDNIGHT; KISS SOMEBODY, DAMMIT!

Here’s my point….if we’re gonna snap into panic mode to desperately tongue someone on the first minute of the year, we gotta do similar rituals on other holidays. Guys, wouldn’t it be sweet if women were saying; “I can’t wait to flash everybody on St. Patty’s Day!” Ladies, you could probably do without dudes saying, “I gotta T-Bag someone on Easter!” Okay, those suggestions are more preposterous than Teabowing after throwing a winning touchdown, but how ‘bout Halloween Handjobs? Come on! Tricks can always be treats….

TAKE MY ADVICE: Never go out for dinner on New Year’s Eve. It’s just another excuse for restaurants to unfairly jack up the prices on everything – On December 31st; you’re Charlie Sheen, and restaurants are The Media: You’re at their mercy. Don’t go to a club, either. The prices are always higher than Tommy Chong in an L.A. medicinal clinic at 4:20. And hotels? Forget it, baby. Even if it’s a Super 8 off the outskirts of Flint, Michigan; they know they’re gonna sell out all their rooms to every college kid, truckdriver and meth-head in town; so they can’t wait to double the rate. In fact, pretty much anywhere you go on NYE….you’re financially screwed. Seriously, why don’t people wake up on the first of January and think, “My New Year’s Resolution is to not spend that much money.”

In today’s world, only 2 places are left that won’t bust you on the final celebration of the year: Houseparties and comedy clubs. A houseparty will cost you a $2 bottle of Andre’s champagne or a Jumbo Size bag of Doritos. A comedy club will be slightly more expensive than normal, BUT….that includes a live show, dinner, champagne and party favors. (Not to mention the shiny hats and kazoos.) Plus, after midnight; you get to hang out with me. And trust me; that’s always priceless. I’m not conceited; I’m convinced.

GUY JUMPS OFF A BRIDGE….THEN GETS TASERED BY COPS 19 TIMES?

Yes, this really happened. In that order! But allow me to explain….

Mace Hutchinson, 16, was found by police underneath the 30-foot overpass bridge of a freeway in Ozark, Missouri. He evidently either fell or jumped. Either way, he got a broken heel AND a broken back. Now here’s where it gets weird….

After the fall/jump, witnesses saw the kid and called the cops. They claimed he “looked a little agitated”. Interesting. They also stated “In the Tour de France, Larry Flynt would have a slight disadvantage.”

So why did the police taser Mace 19 times AFTER he broke his back? According to the officers, he kept screaming “Shoot cops!” and running to the busy freeway. I can understand a couple of tasers, but 19? I’m sorry, but if two or more cops can’t detain a teenager with a broken back in a taser-less fashion, they should be demoted to dispatch. Learn to use your cuffs, boys. (“Shoot cops!” What if the kid was actually saying “Cute cops”?)

This incident actually improved kids’ behavior in Missouri. When their parents ask, “If your best friend jumped off a bridge, would you?”…..the kids now say, “Hell, no; I don’t wanna get tasered 19 times!”

One officer didn’t help matters when he justified his actions by saying, “We just proved to Rodney King and the African-American community that Law Enforcement uses excessive force on white people, too.” Can’t we all just get it wrong?

Mace’s family thinks the excessive tasering delayed his recovery, because doctors couldn’t operate until his body healed an extra 2 days. His dad said, “I’m really worried about his recovery.” Well, you should be worried about your son being a slow learner. (I don’t know about you; but after the cops taser me ONCE, I’m staying put.) Ozark Police Captain insists the tasering was necessary because Hutchinson refused to obey his men, threatened them, and – my personal fave – “It’s a big concern for the officers, to keep him out of traffic, to keep him from getting hurt.” I see. Well, you know what they say: The best way to avoid pain is to get gratuitously electroshocked by a stungun.

It’s ironic that the cops used their equipment to physically subdue a guy named “Mace”. I know a chick who accidentally maced herself named “Pepper”.

The Facts: A highschool boy jumps or falls off a bridge. There were no traces of alcohol nor drugs in his system. Cops arrive, and he starts yelling homicidal shit at them and running towards traffic….even after being repeatedly tasered. Why? He’s either suicidal or stupid.

The kid later defended himself, saying “I was auditioning for ‘Jackass’.” Considering the show went off the air nine years ago, I’m calling him “stupid”. Plus, he didn’t even have someone film him.

Imagine being tasered NINETEEN TIMES. After the first taser, Mace probably yelled “Shoot cops!” After the second, he probably screamed “Kill cops!” After the third, he probably went with “Stop, that hurts!” After the 10th: “I have no control over my muscles!” After the 13th: “I like donuts!” After the 18th: “Why is no one filming this?” After the 19th: “Alright, NOW I give up. You win!”

PATERNO INFERNO: THE TRUTH @ PENN STATE

You gotta Love Penn State, where the second “n” is silent, just like the calls to the police.

For those of you who aren’t familiar with the term ‘news’, lemme catch you up on this week: Former Penn State assistant football coach Jerry Sandusky was indicted with 40 counts of sex crimes against young boys. In 2002, a grad assistant told legendary Penn State coach Joe Paterno he saw Sandusky having sex with a 10-year-old boy in the University’s showers. Paterno reported this to Penn State athletic director Tim Curley and University VP Gary Shultz, but not to the cops. Curley and Shultz resigned after being charged with failing to report the incident to police and lying to a grand jury regarding what they knew about the incident. (Anyone else find it humorous that one of the guys charged with perjury shares the same name as one of “The Three Stooges”?) Paterno and University President Graham Spanier were not charged, but both have been criticized for not contacting the authorities. Then Paterno announced he would retire at the end of the season; but hours later, he and Spanier were both fired by the Penn State Board of Trustees.

The decision to fire Paterno sparked riots on campus, leading students to destroy public property and overturn a news van….though rumors suggest another cause for this unruly behavior was the cafeteria ran out of tacos.

Jerry Sandusky is 67 years old, and the charges against him are as recent as 2009. These poor kids couldn’t even outrun a senior citizen. This is just another reason to stop child obesity!

‘Ole Jerry, charged with sexually assaulting 8 boys over a 15-year-period, maintains his innocence. Here’s the deal….one kid accuses you, perhaps his parents are gold-diggers. Another kid accuses you, he could just be following the leader; or maybe he has a crush on you and is pissed you never made a move. But if 8 different children all independently finger you for fingering them….you did it.

This entire scandal reeks of bizarre irony. The witness who caught Sandusky is Mike McQueary. I repeat – the dude’s last name who caught Jerry Sandusky sodomizing a male minor is “McQueary”. The title of his 2001 autobiography is Touched: The Jerry Sandusky Story. And the coach had an ice cream flavor named after him at the campus creamery. The name of the flavor? “Jerry’s Hand-Packed Chocolate Fudge with Mini-Nuts”. Okay, I can’t exactly prove that last one; but you get my point. The clues were there….

Sandusky also founded The Second Mile Charity, dedicated to helping troubled, at-risk youths. That’s like Lindsay Lohan founding a charity dedicated to helping parole-violating cokewhores.

The Second Mile gets its name from the following Biblical passage: “And whosoever shall compel thee to go one mile, go with him two.” Interesting. If thee go with him Eight Mile, does thee suddenly become gifted at rhyming and unnecessarily angry?

Jerry said in his book, “I was happy beyond my wildest dreams to be known as a Penn State football coach, but I wanted to be remembered for something more.” How ‘bout burning in hell, Jer?

Sandusky is charged with “indecent assault”, which begs the following question: Is there such a thing as “decent assault”? I can’t imagine any victim of this awful crime saying, “Sure, I was raped; but he was so courteous and gentle; I didn’t feel a thing!”

HERE’S THE TRUTH: JoePa didn’t handle this scandal well; he should have called the police. But he doesn’t deserve to be fired on his last season. Come on, he’s Paterno. His name is just two letters away from “Paternal”. He was at Penn State for 61 years. He was the head coach for almost half a century, the longest-tenured coach in major football history. He raised millions of dollars for the University and personally donated over 4 million. He was the winningest coach in major college football; he’s got 409 victories; he reached 300 wins faster than any other coach; he’s got 2 national titles; and he led five teams to an entire season without a loss nor a tie….and he got fired THE SAME DAY HE ANNOUNCED HIS RETIREMENT AT THE END OF THE SEASON! Talk about not being allowed to finish the marathon on the 26th mile….

As I write this, Penn State has a great shot at playing The Big Ten championship game AND The Rose Bowl; they’re 8-1 for the season. Now that they’ve canned Joe Paterno, make that 8-2.

WHY KIM KARDASHIAN GOT DIVORCED

                                    …Who gives a shit?

 

 

 

20TH ANNIVERSARY OF NIRVANA’S “NEVERMIND”

It’s the 20-year anniversary of Nirvana’s “Nevermind”! I was a teenager when this cd was released. Wow….smells like Middle-Aged Spirit.

The kid on the album cover is pissed for two reasons: One, he didn’t even get paid the dollar he was chasing in the picture; and two, his penis hasn’t grown since the baby photo.

Who’s that kid? That would be Mr. Spencer Elden, whose name sounds like he’d be a British Duke and Captain of his Cricket team; but in this photo, he looks like every kid I’ve seen behind the counter at a DQ:

http://www.i-am-bored.com/bored_link.cfm?link_id=56119

Okay, to be fair; in this very different image…..Spencer looks like Robert Pattinson with an extra chromosome:

http://abclocal.go.com/kgo/story?section=news/entertainment&id=8368961

Seriously, Spencer didn’t receive any checks for the album pose; even though his father helped design the cover! There’d be no “Nevermind” CD cover with his old man; and the only green Daddy got was in Kurt Cobain’s roach clip. Come on, Courtney Love; at least give this boy some haircut and acne med money!

Nirvana gave birth to “grunge rock”, which killed “glam rock”. FUN FACT: The band Ugly Kid Joe had the world’s worst timing: They were a perfect glam rock band whose cd debuted merely weeks after Nirvana’s. Where are they now? Well, I started to google them, then I was like “nevermind”.

As for Nirvana…..Kurt Cobain’s considered a musical genius who completely changed rock n’ roll; Dave Grohl’s in arguably the best real rock band today (The Foo Fighters, for those of you who don’t own an FM radio); but what ever happened to basist Krist Novoselic? He became a politican, a published author, and is now studying to get his law degree. Jesus Fuckin’ Krist. Rumor has it he’s also working on a cancer cure and a solo cd titled, “Overachieving”.

Spencer told a reporter a few years ago, “It was kind of creepy [to think] that many people have seen me naked. I feel like I’m the world’s biggest porn star.”

Well, to be a porn star; you actually have to be having frequent sex. And no offense to the iconic Mr. Elden, but I don’t think chicks are lining up to shag a 20-year-old who looks like a cross between a stoned carny and Rapist Suspect #3 in a C.S.I. lineup.

GERMAN HOOKERS NOW HAVE 2 PAY 2 PLAY

Could you imagine if hookers had to pay to do their job? That’s exactly what’s happening in Bonn, Germany. Sex workers are now required to purchase daily tickets from a vending machine to walk the streets. The German government making prostitutes give THEM money before they even work? What are they, Nazis?

In Bonn, hookers now have to pay 6 pounds; regardless of how many customers they get. Don’t fret, Frauleins. In Hollywood, actresses have to lose 20 pounds; regardless of how many jobs they get. And they still have to sleep with creepy, old men.

City employees check the tickets; prostitutes without tickets are first given a warning….then a fine….then a ban. Hmm….I wonder if hookers without tickets will offer any “free services”? Yeah, I don’t see any bans happening.

What’s the point of this new rule? According to City Spokesperson Monica Frombgen, “Fairness”. Uh….come again? “Prostitutes working in establishments like brothels and sauna clubs also have to pay taxes.” Well, evidently; Monica Frombgen never had to stuff a bunch of Frankfurters in her mouth to make the rent. German prostitution is no cakewalk – you know how difficult it is to goose-step in knee-high boots on a cobblestone street? And let’s be honest: The chicks working the saunas and bordellos make a lot more than the tricks working street corners. But NOW they ALL have to pay for their services? I don’t speak German, but this don’t sound like “fairness”. If you were in Germany and had the cash, would you get a happy ending from a woman who looks like Jessica Chastain from The Debt or Ursula the club-footed Tranny?

The Bonn streetwalkers’ hours are 8:15pm-6am. Who is paying for sex at 8:15PM? Are there that many socially inept Sauerkraut Plant workers?

These ticket machines were designed for prostitutes with limited German skills who have difficulty filling out tax forms. I assumed most prostitutes have difficulty filling out tax forms, or they wouldn’t be prostitutes.

I can’t believe this is happening in the city of “Bonn”. As in Simon LeBon of Duran Duran, the UK’s most sexual innuendo-obsessed band; Bon Scott of ACDC, Australia’s most sexual innuendo-obsessed band, and even Bon Jovi, who wrote “Explode in the heat….then drive you down to your knees.” Would they approve of this hooker regulation? I think not. This law should be Bonned.

Bottom line: It’s wrong to make hookers pay the government when they work; especially when they may not even have any customers. They may not be getting paid or laid, but they’ll be getting fucked.

REMEMBERING JANI LANE

  Jani Lane, the lead singer of Warrant, died last week in a Comfort Inn. I’m a huge fan, but MY FIRST    THOUGHT: It’s sad he died in a Comfort Inn. When Keith Richards croaks, you know it’ll be in a Four Seasons. Okay, let’s be honest; Keith Richards is never dying. That dude’s immortal. He’s like a musically gifted Cryptkeeper.

Amy Winehouse, Jani Lane…..watch your back, Lindsay Lohan. Why can’t Celine Dion have a heroin problem?

I used to tell my little sister that Vince Neil, Brett Michaels and Jani Lane were the same dude. She also thought that Mick Jagger, Steven Tyler and Tom Keifer from Cinderella were the same man. Some people think Beaker from “The Muppets”, Bart Simpson and I are the same guy…..and I call those people ‘assholes’.

Jani Lane was born John Kennedy Oswald on February 1, 1964. His parents had some balls to name him this a few months after Oswald killed Kennedy. I doubt anyone in ’94 named their daughter “Nicole Brown Simpson”. And if they did, they should be stabbed – I mean, stopped.

Since I’m a true fan; I must throw in some FACTS with my JOKES: Most people don’t know just how talented Jani was. He started playing drums at age 4 and starting drumming professionally by age 11. THEN came piano, guitar and songwriting. As a teenager, he went by “Mitch Dynomite”; which sounds like a porn star name. When he started touring, he changed his name to Jani Lane; which sounds like a female porn star name.

Struggling to make ends meet, Lane worked in a pornographic warehouse…..where he watched movies starring women he would eventually bang in his dressing room.

Jani Lane was literally found in his hotel room with a Vodka bottle and prescription drugs. I wonder if he was a fan of Bad Company’s “Shooting Star”? Seriously, google the song and read the last verse. Sometimes life imitates art….

Allow me to prove just how big of a Jani Lane fan I am: I saw them in concert with Trixter and Firehouse. My friend bought the Warrant T-shirt that said “Censorship is Un-Fuckin’-American”. I bought a pair of Cherry Pie boxers for $20 and went to the after-party where I made out with a hot Latina named “Toy”. (I introduced her to Warrant’s drummer, and she introduced me to Valtrex.)

Jani was awesome in concert! I was truly impressed with his vocal and musical abilities (on both the guitar and piano). He rocked the crowd with his synchronized headbanging and audience banter. At one point he said, “Alright, everybody in the front is standing up but you, dude! Come on, I’m not up here sweatin’ my balls off to watch you NOT have fun!” The crowd went nuts; then after the applause died down, Jani turned back to the guy, smiled and said, “That’s one our good friends; that’s the only reason I’m giving him shit. And now he’s standing up!” He thanked his audience profusely; you could really tell Jani felt blessed to have his job and definitely didn’t take it for granted. At one point, Jani’s bodyguards snuck him to a riser on the back of the stadium…..a spotlight hit him and his guitar; Jani told the back of the room, “All night long I’ve been singing to them. I wanna make sure I’m singing to you, too.” Then he did a killer acoustic version of “Heaven”, with the rest of his band kicking in halfway through.

Jani and the band played all their hits and even did some killer covers, including Zeppelin’s “What Is and What Should Never Be.” (My personal favorite off Led Zeppelin II.) The coolest thing in the Warrant concert was at the encore……Jani invited his opening bands to join him in one final number. He introduced it, saying “We’re gonna do a song by a great band; these guys kick my ass any day of the week.” Then they all broke into a scorching version of The Beastie Boys’ “Fight For Your Right To Party.”

Now that’s a cool, humble Rock Star. RIP, Jani. You were much better than you ever knew. I’ll miss ya, brother.

P.S.: Here’s a lyric Jani wrote in “The Bitter Pill”, a ballad much different from “Cherry Pie”; it’s rather insightful and revealing:

“Sometimes I’m right as rain/And when it rains, it pours

You’re such a mystery/Why can’t I unlock the door?

All that glitters isn’t gold/Too much is overkill

Love can be beautiful/Or a bitter pill.”

DUDE ACCIDENTALLY SH OOTS HIS PENIS WITH WIFE’S PINK PISTOL

A man in Chandler, Arizona accidentally shot himself in the penis with his wife’s pink pistol. Needless to say, this guy’s in a lot of pain…..not from the bullet; from being mocked for carrying a pink pistol.

He shot himself outside of a grocery store. What a brilliant way to avoid going grocery shopping! Sure, you severely damaged your leg and your schmeckle; but you won’t be asking anybody where the Bubblebath and Tampons are.

This dude needs to learn how to handle his gun…..and his firearm, too.

Who takes a gun to go grocery shopping? Besides H.I. McDunnough? (At least his wasn’t a pink pistol.)

The bullet hit the man’s penis then went through one of his legs. Let me repeat: The bullet wasn’t able to travel through his dick, but it easily tore through his longest limb. This guy’s gotta have a pecker of steel. Seriously, if you shoot yourself in the crank…..and the slug just ricochets off, then easily slices through your largest appendage…..your Love Missile has the density of a golf ball.

Even though this was obviously an accident, police say “The man could face weapons’ charges.” Come on, guys. Hasn’t he suffered enough? This is the ultimate insult to injury. He shot himself in the prick, and they wanna put him in jail….where he probably won’t be able to have any conjugal visits.

The Police are telling men to treat their firearm the same way they treat their penis: When in public, conceal it and don’t touch it. Especially when it’s pink.

Just to prove I’m not making this up; here’s the video link to the story, with reporter Corey Rangel. You think a man popping a cap in his joint is scary? Check out Corey’s haircut:

http://www.barstoolsports.com/nyc/super-page/man-shoots-himself-in-the-penis-with-his-wifes-pink-pistol/

“MONTE CAR-NO!”: THE MOST EXPENSIVE CAR CRASH EVER

A woman just caused a 700,000-Euro, 5-car pile-up right in front of the entrance of the Place du Casino in Monte Carlo For those of you who’ve never left America, that’s a measly $1,000,100.00. She crashed her Bentley into a Mercedes, a Ferrari, a Porsche AND an Aston Martin. Then she puked a diamond necklace.

If I had a choice of getting my car slammed into by another vehicle, I’d prefer a Bentley. At least the driver can afford the damage! If a Bentley crashes into your car, it’s just a hit. If a Carolla crashes into your car, it’s a hit-and-run.

Well, let’s look on the brightside: Anyone in that much of a hurry to get to a casino can’t wait to blow their money. Mission accomplished, honey. And hey, I gotta hand it to the chick – this is the most original way anyone has ever lost a million bucks at a casino. Talk about a bad day at the tables – she’s down 7 figures before she even valets her car. (Or in her case, before she “fillets” her car. Rimshot!)

Though this female driver is being internationally mocked, I pity her. Not only is she out at least 60 grand; but she AND her two passengers were trapped in the convertible, unable to open the doors. Well; at least she could see hundreds of tourists pointing, filming and yelling “How high is that bitch?!!” In French, of course….or whatever Monte Carlo people speak.

The Bentley, Ferarri, Porsche and Aston Martin all need new front wings and bumpers. Holy Balls, can you imagine purchasing new front wings for 4 different, luxurious automobiles? The only wings I can afford cost 25 cents at Happy Hour.

As a man who cannot currently afford a Bentley (and may or may not be making payments on an ’05 Carolla); I must admit: This woman is my hero. Every time I see somebody driving a Bentley, I want them to crash. Every time I see somebody driving a Carolla, I want them to crash….into a Bentley.

Of all these ultra-expensive, constantly envied cars, my favorite is the Aston Martin. Remember when the Aston Martin from the James Bond movies got stolen from an auction back in the late-90s? That car was awesome – it had missiles, lasers, bullet-proof glass, a passenger-ejector seat, a “plane transformation” button….and apparently, no alarm.