NEWS FLASH: Are You Sitting Down? RICKY MARTIN…Is….GAY!!

Ricky and his BF…Are they TWINS?

So Ricky Martin sashayed out of the closet.  Ricky Martin’s gay.  Yeah, right.  What’s next  – Obama’s gonna get his health care bill passed, and Sandra Bullock’s husband is gonna cheat on her with a tatoo-addicted Nazi ho-bag?

How is this news?  Of course Ricky Martin’s gay!  He’s a good-looking, well-dressed guy who loves dancing and annoying music. Furthermore, he was a member of Menudo.  (Does anyone else recognize this word phonetically spells “Men You Do”?)

I actually discovered this news at my Grandfather’s house; I was reading a newspaper with the following headline: “Puerto Rican popstar Ricky Martin has come out of the closet.”  My Grandfather, who’s about as open-minded as Karl Rove and Atilla the Hun combined, saw the headline and said, “Puerto Ricans coming outta the closet?  I thought those people were busboys, not janitors!”  Yeah, this is the same man who insisted my African-American ex-girlfriend was “A lovely Italian girl with a nice tan”.

So Ricky Martin’s officially a gay man.  And the whipped cream on the fruit sundae is…. a famous Barbara Walters special 10 years ago  –  when she point blank asked him if he was gay or straight  –  he said, “I’m not answering that question.”  Here’s the thing….if he was straight, he would have just said, “I’m not gay.”  But he refused to come out ’cause his agent, manager and publicist kept telling him he’d lose a lotta of money if he was truthful about his sexuality.  And that’s probably true  –  every 8th-grade girl in America had a Ricky Martin poster back in 2000; and many of them were the daughters of conservative, right-wing, judgmental Christian parents.  Like it or not, popstars; but your careers are often made by 14-year-old girls.  Sometimes their careers are killed by 14-year-old girls, but enough about R. Kelly.  (We all can learn from him; R. Kelly taught us that you can piss away a major career by pissing on a minor fan.)

Ricky told the papers that the birth of his twin sons inspired him to publicly admit his homosexuality.  He then added, “Trust me – once you see a couple of babies come out of a vagina, you’ll be gay, too.”

So I totally understand why Mr. Martin remained quiet about his sexuality; he wanted to protect his career.  But am I surprised at his homosexuality?  Let me put it this way, my friends….I couldn’t be more certain that Ricky Martin is gay than if he was blowing me right now.

By Claude Stuart

©2010 Claude Stuart. All Rights Reserved.
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