I just got a haircut and had the startling revelation that every time I get a haircut, I look like a Catholic priest.  ‘Cause I’m sitting there with a long, black robe….with a big white collar….and a 10-year-old boy on my lap.

All jokes aside, here are the FACTS on the latest Catholic Church sex scandal:

Wisconsin priest Lawrence Murphy ADMITTED he molested over 200 boys at a school for the deaf for over 20 years….and after he personally begged Pope Benedict XVI for mercy, the Pope stopped his prosecution.  Unbelievable.  Actually, not really.  This is certainly not the first time we’ve heard this religion’s leaders involved in a pedophilia scandal; and the plot thickens: When the Pope was Archbishop of Munich, he sent a priest who was a pedophile (“I’ll take REDUNDANT for $200, Alex!”) to therapy….the priest returned to work, and was soon convicted of molesting boys.

Some of these Catholic priests take the Bible too literally.  Remember, guys: When Jesus said “Turn the other cheek”; he was talking about his face.

Police need to start checking the Priests’ possessions.  In Mass, the Priest gives you wine then a napkin.  I’m pretty sure that napkin shouldn’t be dipped in chloroform.

Sinead O’Connor, the singer notorious for tearing up a picture of the Pope during a live performance on “Saturday Night Live”, said the Pope should face a criminal investigation.  The Pope responded by saying, “She should forgive me.  I forgave her for having that haircut.”  He then tore up a picture of Vin Diesel.  (Or Andre Agassi, whatever’s funnier!)

Lawrence Murphy told the press, “Those deaf boys can’t hear, but they sure can talk. Especially to the cops.  It’s not the kind of ‘squealing’ I’m into. I went for the deaf kids, ’cause the blind ones were too good with voice recognition, and I got tired of doing bad impressions while I seduced them.  My advice to all the other pedophile priests out there: Go for the mutes.”

When Wisconsin priest Lawrence Murphy was asked why he molested over 200 boys, he answered; “Have you seen the women in Wisconsin?”

Murphy molested victims during confession. How creepy is that?  You’re in that little booth at your most vulnerable, sharing your secrets:

“Bless me, father, for I have sinned.”

“Okay, talk slower and call me a ‘dirty bitch’.”


“Nothing. Here, have some wine.”

Since this scandal broke, the Vatican has experienced protests from SNAP; Survivors Network of Those Abused by Priests.  The Pope and his cronies are protesting SNAP in their own organization, CATHOLIC REVERENDS AREN’T PEDOPHILES  –  otherwise known as CRAP.

I feel for these poor deaf kids; I know exactly what they went through!  Every year I get molested by my Uncle Sam.

By Claude Stuart

©2010 Claude Stuart. All Rights Reserved


1 Comment

  1. Mega-funny commentary, but sadly true…

    You have a SERIOUS comic gift.

    Love the blog 2.

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