JAY LENO and Claude Stuart TONIGHT SHOW Skit

UNDERCOVER BOSS Spoof on THE TONIGHT SHOW with JAY LENO. Starring Claude Stuart (aka: ME) Check it out. I was brilliant….or so I’m told.  Pretty funny stuff.  <PLAY>

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Lost iPhone Text: “I’m With Stupid”

Gray Powell, an Apple Software Engineer, lost the next-generation IPhone.  While celebrating his birthday at a German beer bar, he got hammered and accidentally left the new IPhone on a barstool.  My question is:  Who’s partying with Apple Software Engineers?  I have respect for these Engineers now; I never knew they got drunk!  When I think of a ‘computer engineer’; I imagine Robert Carradine in Revenge of the Nerds, not an overaged fratboy pounding shots like Nick Nolte at last call.

Gary Powell  –  who looks like Eminem’s stunt double  –  was reveling at Gourmet Haus Stadt.  This fine establishment specializes in German beer; and oddly enough, “Gourmet Haus Stadt” is German for “Come Get Drunk and Lose Your Phone.”

Well, the bad news is  –  the new cutting-edge IPhone got lost.  The good news is  –  we can blame it on the Germans.

Poor Gray Powell.  He’s a brilliant, 27-year-old engineer who was working on the IPhone Baseband Software.  For those of you who aren’t tech nerds (And for those of you who’ve actually had sex at some point), this little programs allows the IPhone to make calls.  This is a DREAM OCCUPATION for a young engineer.  He always wanted to meet Steve Jobs….then he works for Steve Jobs….now he has no Jobs.

By the way, gentle reader; don’t worry if you didn’t know any of this information until now.  I literally JUST discovered it myself.  I own and frequently use an Apple Mac computer; yet whenever I hear the word “Apple”, I immediately think “Martini”.

We’re actually not certain whether or not Powell got the axe; Apple has not disclosed that information.  But we can tell you this….(why do I continue to type “we” when I’m the only one here?  Ah, yes, “we” refers to the voices in my head.)   Fact:  During the morning of the I-Pad launch, an engineer showed Apple co-founder Steve Wozniak for 2 minutes.  Because of this, he was fired.  No joke.  It’s harsh, but I admire Apple for being consistent.  This company has been ruthlessly secretive from the get-go.  It’s easier to crack the Da Vinci Code or recover the Lost Ark than it is learn Apple’s next unreleased product.

But there’s always a silver lining.  Gray Powell is rumored to start starring in Mac commercials with Justin Long.  He’ll be playing the role of the “PC”.  (All of the voices in my head laughed at the last sentence.)

By Claude Stuart
©2010 Claude Stuart. All Rights Reserved.

MOTHER’S DAY: Yeah MOM, Who’s Fault Is That?

My Mom told me I blame others too much.  I said, “Yeah, Mom; who’s fault is that?

My Mom asked me, “Why do you always procrastinate?”  I was like, “I’ll tell you tomorrow.”

I’m from Genration X; a generation that’s supposedly of bunch of slackers.  I started writing a joke about this….but I didn’t feel like finishing.  Instead, I played a video game, smoked a joint, and asked my Mom for money.

My Mom’s from the South; she has that cute, Southern accent.  But Mom also teaches grammar; so every time we talk, she corrects me. I was just on the phone with her, saying, “Mom, I’m sorry.  I’m tired, I gotta go lay down.”  She said, “Uh-uh-uh.  You’re not gonna LAY DOWN; you’re gonna LIE DOWN.”  Mom, you need to go GET LIED.

When I grew up, my Mom was always “The Hot Mom”.  She’s a MILF.  In 8th grade, I actually caught my friends videotaping her while she was sunbathing.  So I did what any responsible teenage son would have done:  I grabbed that video, made copies and sold ‘em for cash!

My best friend had a major crush on my Mom.  I actually caught him stealing a photo of her in a bikini.  I was shocked….that he fit into her bikini.  Mom was mad; she said, “Who stole my picture?  Whoever stole my picture deserves a good wack.”  Too late for that, Mom.  I’m sure the thief is experiencing much wacking as we speak.

My fiance asked me, “Your Mom’s 62 and she’s in great shape.  How does she find the motivation?”  I said, “Well, you can’t be judgmental AND fat.”

Please don’t judge me, folks.  If I wanna be judged, I’ll talk to my mother.

My Mom told me I’m fat.  I’m 5-11, 160 pounds….that’s fat?  And she wonders why my sister was anorexic.

One time after my buddies and I went to Cancun for Spring Break; we were at my parents’ house, looking at the pictures.  My buddy Mark said – really loud – “Hey, Claude; that’s the chick you hooked up with who had the huge knockers!”  My Mom walked into the room with a very serious look on her face and said in her charming, southern, Scarlet O-Hara-esque accent:  “Ya’ll are all gonna get AIDS and die.”

Mom’s from The South; Southern women are the best insulters ever.  They put a positive adverb in front of a negative adjective.  Mom always says things like, “That girl is perfectly terrible.  She is brilliantly retarded.  Bless her heart.”

Mother’s Day and Father’s Day are coming up…..or as I like to call them, Card Day and Bad Tie Day.

When it comes to Mother’s Day, I bet Mexican women have it best.  ‘Cause their phone probably rings nonstop.

My Mom doesn’t really understand tattoo trends.  She came out to visit me and we saw a guy with a “teardrop” tattoo.  She said to me, “Oh, look, honey; he’s said.  I’m gonna tell him a happy story!”  Mom, please don’t talk to him!

One time when I was visiting home, my Mom returned from an errand; and I told her, “Aunt Nancy just called.”  I SWEAR she said, “On the phone?”  I said, “No, Mom, on the microwave.  Of course I answered the blender.  And she also sent you a fax; so check the fridge.”

My Mom doesn’t understand slang.  I told her, “After my show last night, this beautiful woman was hitting on me.”  Mom said, “Oh my God!  With her fist or open hand?  Either way, you can sue!”

By Claude Stuart

©2010 Claude Stuart. All Rights Reserved.


Holly Crawford: Gothic Cat Chick Nailed for Animal Cruelty

Poor Pierced Kitty. Holly Crawford’s Cruel Handywork

Holly Crawford was arrested for cropping the tails and piercing the ears and necks of cats for the purpose of marketing over the internet as “gothic kittens”.

Holly Crawford was busted, but she’s not going to jail.  Prosecutors were hoping to throw her in the joint for 18 months….but the judge went easy on her.  Her punishment is six months of house arrest, another 15 months probation, some community service and 6 months of shitting into a catbox.

Authorities took away any metal objects, anything Holly could pierce with – including her nail files.  Ironic, ‘cause now when she gets a manicure; she’ll have to use a scratching post.

There are other punishments Crawford has endured.  Not only is she banned from operating her business, but Jolly Holly can’t get anymore pets.  Yet….she can keep her 3 cats, 3 snakes and dog.  When asked what kind of snakes she possesses, Crawford said “A python, a cobra and a lawyer.”

Crawford was charged with animal cruelty and conspiracy.  Here’s the only facet of the case where I sympathize for her.  Animal cruelty, I totally get.  But “conspiracy”?  Come on, she wasn’t planning on knocking off Obama.

Melinda Merck, an animal cruelty investigator and vetenarian told the courts these piercings altered the cats’ hearing.  But considering Crawford constantly listened to crappy Gothic bands like “Theater of Hate”, “The Naked and the Dead” and “Sex Gang Children”; altering the cats’ hearing was probably a good thing.  There is sweet revenge for the kitties, who detest goth music:  Now the cats get to choose Crawford’s soundtrack; so for the next year, she’ll be listening to The Jonas Brothers and Taylor Swift.

The defense also arranged for the cats to take Holly Crawford’s temperature and keep her on soft food.

Crawford claims she pierced the kittens because she “thought it was neat”.  Well, I’m sure the Nazis thought tattooing numbers on Jewish people’s arms was neat; but it doesn’t make it right.

Crawford claims she doesn’t see the difference between piercing a human and piercing a cat.  Um….how ‘bout the human actually CHOOSES to get pierced.  Maybe the human actually KNOWS why they’re in pain?  Perhaps the human doesn’t think they’re about to die?

This is a step beyond dressing your doggy in a Christmas sweater or putting a Chimp in a tux; she physically hurt innocent animals in effort to profit.  Holly Crawford pierced these kittens with a 14-gauge needle, the size vets usually use on cattle because their skin is so thick.  Expert witness Merck said the cats were “maimed, disfigured, could have died” and felt like “they were constantly being bitten”.  She should be in jail.

If you haven’t viewed pics of Holly Crawford, she’s about as into her appearance as she is into being kind to animals.  This is a woman who spends hours piercing cats to appear “gothic” and selling them online, but can’t wash her own hair.  She looks like the lead guitarist for The Black Crowes.  After being told this, Crawford responded with “I’ve never met a black crow, but I’d love to pierce one.”

By Claude Stuart

©2010 Claude Stuart. All Rights Reserved.


ANIMALS of COMEDY Charity Show for WSPA

WSPA is an amazing charity I work with, you can read about them above, and we are putting on this show to benefit the charity. Please come to the show if you are in the LA area. Tickets can be purchased at thejonlovitzcomedyclub.com starting April 25th. Only $10 and it goes to a great cause.

Thanks,

Claude Stuart

ROETHLINSBERGER: Off The Hook

According to District Attorney (Ocmulgee, GA) Fred Bright, Ben Roethlisberger will NOT be charged with sexual assault because “the charge could not be proven beyond a reasonable doubt.”  Which means one of two things:  1) The D.A.’s on the Steelers’ payroll or 2)  They settled out of court.

Roethlisberger admitted he had “sexual contact” with his 20-year old college student accuser.  Man!  Considering every time I passed out in college, my buddies relentlessly T-bagged me; I could have sued them for the same thing!  Then again, they were broke college kids….so I probably would have just been awarded an ACDC T-shirt and a coupon to Long John Silver’s.

Roethlisberger also admitted that the Steelers’ bodyguards blocked access to a bathroom while he “aggressively hit” on a female bar patron inside.  Supposedly, the woman is not outraged that he was groping her and making crude innuendo; she just had a problem with Roethlisberger tackling her and screaming, “In your face, chump!”  His accuser then immediately threw a flag and signaled “Illegal use of hands.”

When asked his opinion on the incident, Steelers’ coach Mike Tomlin excitedly said, “Even our bodyguards know how to block!”

In defending Roethlisberger, his lawyer Ed Garland said “Ben and the accusers never had sex.  He flirts like he plays football: He’s always outside the pocket.” Upon hearing this, Roethlisberger’s accuser sneered, “That’s because he can’t go very deep.”  Garland went on to defend his client by saying, “Roethlisberger never tried to have sex with her; he just wanted her to get sacked.”

Okay, so technically Big Ben is innocent and did not sexually assault anyone.  (And Bill Clinton didn’t inhale, Larry Craig does yoga when he’s on the toilet and O.J.’s still looking for the real killers.) But let’s be honest….that’s only because he has the money and power to make problems disappear.

Did I mention his lawyer also defended Baltimore Ravens linebacker Ray Lewis for murder? Lewis got his charges dropped, AND the next year he was Superbowl MVP.  He would have also been Michael Vick’s attorney, but one of Vick’s pitbulls chewed up his phone number. Furthermore, Big Ben claimed the college accuser slipped and hurt her head….yet at the hospital, she was treated for “injuries in the vaginal area”.  (And I’m dyslexic?) If Ben worked construction, he’d be in the joint now, and the only passing he’d be doing is passing some 3-pack-a-day bitch over to Chewy in the next cell.

This is the SECOND time he’s been accused of sexual assault in the past year. If he’d been that consistent last season, the Steelers would’ve won the Superbowl again! You don’t hear those rumors about Drew Brees or Brett Farve.  Why?  ‘Cause they don’t sexually assault people.

Steelers President Art Rooney said in his statement, “Ben will now have to work hard to earn back the respect and trust of Steelers fans, and to live up to the leadership responsibilities we all expect of him. Which is apparently acting like a rapist who never gets punished.

By Claude Stuart

©2010 Claude Stuart. All Rights Reserved.


OPRAH: Pathological Liar? No Not Oprah

Kitty Kelly’s new book alleges that Oprah is a liar who is obsessed with her public image.  I’m truly shocked; it’s not like she named a magazine after herself and appeared on every cover.

Kitty Kelley says in her new book she knows the secret identity of Oprah’s real father but doesn’t wanna reveal it.  Kelly also claims she knows who shot JFK and where Hoffa’s body is buried, but doesn’t wanna reveal it.

Supposedly Oprah and Stedman don’t even share the same bedroom.  Tom Cruise’s reaction was, “And the problem is…?”

Oprah is rumored to have had an affair with John Tesh.  Oddly enough, the sex was “boring, unnecessarily informative and had a bad soundtrack.”

Tesh’s ex says he broke things off because he couldn’t handle being part of an interracial couple.  She told the press, “He looked down one night and saw his white body next to her black body and couldn’t take it anymore.  He walked out.”  This disgusts me…not that he couldn’t handle interracial love, but the image of John Tesh walking naked.

John Tesh was in denial about his affair with Oprah; he actually thought she was white….until she admitted that she doesn’t who her father is.

Oprah says she actually dumped John Tesh ‘cause after every love-making session; he started playing contemporary Christian songs on the piano and telling her health-related factoids.

Supposedly Oprah sold her body for money and described herself as a teen prostitute. Her street name was “Ho-prah”.

Oprah claims to have been so poor, she adopted two cockroaches named Melinda and Sandy.  Her family members say this is a lie; Melinda and Sandy were metaphorical cockroaches – a hooker and pimp who lived with the family.

Supposedly Winfrey had a lesbian affair with Diane Sawyer ‘cause Winfrey sent her flowers and a 1-carot diamond ring.  Okay, if a woman sends another woman flowers and a diamond ring; most of their boyfriends would say “What the hell is going on with you two?  And why wasn’t I invited?”  If my girlfriend sent another girl flowers and a diamond ring, I’d say “Where the hell did you get the money? You know rent’s due next week, right?”

Kitty Kelly’s new books alleges that Oprah lied about being sexually abused as a child and about growing up in poverty.  But Kelly says Winfrey was actually born in Koskiusko, Mississippi.  Sidenote: “Mississippi” is an old Indian word meaning “Father of Waters”; and “Koskiusko” is an old Indian word meaning, “Mother of Liars.”

<Buy Oprah Book Here>

By Claude Stuart

©2010 Claude Stuart. All Rights Reserved