JERSEY SHORE Dudes’ Pecs Bigger Than My Torso

I don’t ever wanna look like these guys.  But to be fair, that’s only ’cause I’m happy with the size of my dick.  And no, I’m not jealous just because every J.S. dude’s left pectoral is bigger than my torso.

Remember, guys:  Every time you shave your chest, you shave a few points off your IQ.

Tell these boys to stop flexing!


Well, if you got it; flaunt it…except for that one shirtless kid with the tatoo sleeve.  Three words, bro:  Situps and socks.

By Claude Stuart

©2010 Claude Stuart. All Rights Reserved



Okay, I’m all for big asses….but there’s junk in the trunk, then there’s Fred Sanford’s junkyard in the trunk.  Kim is hauling more crack than Flava Flave’s limo driver.

When she walks in that white bikini, her cheeks look like two gigantic bobbleheads wrestling in a sailboat.

Her ass is actually bigger than the Lion statue’s ass.

Do you think when she goes to a restaraunt alone, they announce her as “Kim Kardashian, party of 2?”


By Claude Stuart

©2010 Claude Stuart. All Rights Reserved.


Well, she’s a foul-mouthed, obnoxious drama queen who loves dressing in nerdy Sci-Fi and Superhero costumes….but she’s beautiful.  And to most guys, 1 outta 5 ain’t bad, baby.

How often does Christopher Knight think, “If I had only banged Florence Henderson and Maureen McCormick, then I never would’ve had to marry Adrianne Curry and do that damn reality show.”  But Chris, if you had done that; you’d be Barry Williams.  Yes, the guy who played Greg Brady and got his ass kicked in Celebrity Boxing by Danny Bonaduce.

Here’s my quick rundown of Adrianne’s latest pix:

* The photo of her taking the picture….I love her body; but she looks like the wardrobe is a cross between a diaper and a humongous white bandaid.

* Lying on bed with legs crossed….very sexy.  I like the black toenail polish.  I never used to notice stuff like that; but after you’ve been with the same woman for a few years, you’re like “Hey, I love your shoes, girl.  I’m gay – dammit!”

* Her naked body lying on bed in front of TV….this is perfect, except for that stupid pink star blocking that perfect gludius maximus.  And I must be hungry, ’cause I’m staring at the food on the TV and trying to deduce what exactly it is? Looks like the recipe to another bad infomercial.

* White bodysuit with black boots and hat….she looks fantastic, but she’s dressed like Malcolm McDowell in CLOCKWORK ORANGE with a giant crotchcup.

By Claude Stuart

©2010 Claude Stuart. All Rights Reserved.

SPIRIT AIRLINES Loses 1 of Their 8 Customers

Spirit Airlines has officially announced that any passenger’s bag that can’t be stowed under the seat will incur a $45 charge.  As a traveling performer who usually flies at least twice a week, I would like to go on the record as saying…..Fuck Spirit Airlines.

Are you kidding me?  Charging people for carrying on items that fit in the overhead space?  Well, my friends; we have encountered more bullshit than a street-sweeper in Pomplona.

Airlines are charging us for checked baggage (except Southwest and Northwest/Delta, God bless ‘em!); food and now carry-ons?  What’s next, it’s gonna cost us for peanuts?  Air vent-turn on fees?  Bathroom visits?  During turbulence, there’s an automatic “oxygen mask usage fee”?  Where does it end?

Before you board Spirit Airlines, they should pass out condoms and K-Y; but then they’d charge us for that, too!

Well, here’s the good news:  I’ve never flown Spirit, so I did some research.  Spirit Airlines is a low-cost carrier based in Miramar, Florida that flies to the Caribbean, Bahamas and Central/South America.  So in the long run, this new carry-on fee will only affect 7 people.

By Claude Stuart

©2010 Claude Stuart. All Rights Reserved

TIKI BARBER: Takes The Heat Off Tiger & Jesse James

This just in….Tiki Barber has officially dropped his 8-months pregnant wife of 11 years for a 23-year-old NBC intern.  Tiki and Ginny; his wife, had been together 16 years since they were college students.  Wow, a male celebrity upgrading from the love of his life to a younger, thinner alternative?  What are the odds?

Who does Tiki think he is, Tom Brady?  It must be mentioned that Tom immediately contacted me and said, “For the record – when I left my pregnant ex-girlfriend for Giselle, we were never married.”  Well, Friday the 13th Part 7 was not quite as atrocious as Friday the 13th Part 8, but it’s still unacceptable.

The most shocking thing about this is that Tiki has been very outspoken about his disgust toward his father for cheating on his mother.  He said, “Not only did he abandon her, I feel like he abandoned us for a lot of our lives.  I have a hard time forgiving that.”  Um…I’ll take Pot Calling the Kettle Selfish for $600, Alex!

Ginny has been avoiding the press on this story and just taking care of her two children (Tiki’s the father) and preparing for her twins who will be born soon.  She did, however, tell me “I think my babies’ father should change his first name to ‘Tacky’.”

Leaving your wife who’s 8 months pregnant….that’s a new one.  We asked Tiger his thoughts; he said, “Dude, at least wait ‘til she has the kid first.” Tiki responded, “At least I didn’t get my commercials canceled.” Tiger said, “That’s ‘cause you don’t have any commercials.” Tiki quipped, “At least I hooked up with my intern, not my neighbor.” Tiger challenged, “Can you insult me without beginning the line with ‘At least’?”

Tiki was unvailable for further comments.

By Claude Stuart

©2010 Claude Stuart. All Rights Reserved.

TIGER WOODS: Neighbors, Lock Up Your Daughters

Who hasn’t Tiger slept with?  Not his neighbor’s daughter.  The latest conquest of this walking erection is reportedly Raychel Coudriet, his neighbor’s daughter.  She’s now 22; she first met him when she was 14….and they slept together sometime in between these ages.  Since the average of these ages is 18, let’s give him the benefit of the doubt and assume the sex was legal until we hear otherwise (which could be tomorrow at this point.)

The majority of this story’s details come from THE ENQUIRER.  This source has been known to stretch the truth more than Leonardo DiCaprio in CATCH ME IF YOU CAN; but regardless, here’s the scoop:

Tiger hit on Raychel in his car, only yards away from where his wife was playing with his children.  What was his thought process?  “Honey, you take care of our kids; and I’ll go take care of this kid.”

The Pro invited her to play golf and made a crude comment about her “cleaning my golf balls”.  Wow, he’s as clever as he is faithful.  Even Larry the Cable Guy would call this joke immature.  Tiger puts the “ass” in “class”!

Tiger and Raychel reportedly had their sexual encounter on a couch in his office, just a mile away from his home.  (Tiger Infidelity Rule #73: You can meet a mistress yards away from your wife, but you can’t actually cheat ‘til you’re a mile away.)  They were copulating in the same office that had a crib for his children.

As soon as Coudriet learned about Tiger’s other women, she went into a rage; and when she was home for Spring Break, she cornered him. Tiger’s instant reaction was, “Slow down, honey.  We can’t get naked ‘til we’re in my office…or a mile away.”

When asked if he believes he’s going to hell, Tiger stated “The Bible doesn’t say anything about coveting thy neighbor’s daughter.”  Well, technically, that’s true.

Raychel Coudriet was completely shocked by Tiger’s lengthy list of mistresses, saying she felt “shaken, humiliated, used and violated”.  Raychel, I know you’re young, Sugar….but welcome to No Sympathy.  You chose to have sex with a married man with children in his office, 2 feet away from his baby crib and 2 minutes away from his wife! You’re not the victim.

Raychel and Tiger supposedly had sex on his office couch for HOURS.  As unfaithful as he is, that’s still impressive.  Raychel said Tiger was able to maintain his sexual prowess because he kept drinking Gatorade and muttering, “If the sponsors ever find out about our fling, please tell ‘em I was drinking this stuff.  I don’t want Gatorade to drop me!”  Based on his brilliant golf ball pun, I’m surprised he didn’t say, “You know how to keep my putter up, baby!”

Coudriet said, “I just wanted to dig a big hole, crawl in it and die.”  When asked how he felt, Tiger told the press “I just wanted to dig a big hole, pretend it was a white girl who looks like my wife, and hump it.”

Bottom line:  Tiger is arguably the best golfer in history and the most successful athlete today….but he is unarguably a sex addict.  Even though he’s undergoing “treatment”; no one should trust him around anything white and pretty.  If Tiger sees any hot, young white chick; he’s jumping on her like a lifeboat next to the Titantic.  I personally wouldn’t trust him around my Persian kitty.

By Claude Stuart

©2010 Claude Stuart. All Rights Reserved.