TIGER WOODS: Neighbors, Lock Up Your Daughters

Who hasn’t Tiger slept with?  Not his neighbor’s daughter.  The latest conquest of this walking erection is reportedly Raychel Coudriet, his neighbor’s daughter.  She’s now 22; she first met him when she was 14….and they slept together sometime in between these ages.  Since the average of these ages is 18, let’s give him the benefit of the doubt and assume the sex was legal until we hear otherwise (which could be tomorrow at this point.)

The majority of this story’s details come from THE ENQUIRER.  This source has been known to stretch the truth more than Leonardo DiCaprio in CATCH ME IF YOU CAN; but regardless, here’s the scoop:

Tiger hit on Raychel in his car, only yards away from where his wife was playing with his children.  What was his thought process?  “Honey, you take care of our kids; and I’ll go take care of this kid.”

The Pro invited her to play golf and made a crude comment about her “cleaning my golf balls”.  Wow, he’s as clever as he is faithful.  Even Larry the Cable Guy would call this joke immature.  Tiger puts the “ass” in “class”!

Tiger and Raychel reportedly had their sexual encounter on a couch in his office, just a mile away from his home.  (Tiger Infidelity Rule #73: You can meet a mistress yards away from your wife, but you can’t actually cheat ‘til you’re a mile away.)  They were copulating in the same office that had a crib for his children.

As soon as Coudriet learned about Tiger’s other women, she went into a rage; and when she was home for Spring Break, she cornered him. Tiger’s instant reaction was, “Slow down, honey.  We can’t get naked ‘til we’re in my office…or a mile away.”

When asked if he believes he’s going to hell, Tiger stated “The Bible doesn’t say anything about coveting thy neighbor’s daughter.”  Well, technically, that’s true.

Raychel Coudriet was completely shocked by Tiger’s lengthy list of mistresses, saying she felt “shaken, humiliated, used and violated”.  Raychel, I know you’re young, Sugar….but welcome to No Sympathy.  You chose to have sex with a married man with children in his office, 2 feet away from his baby crib and 2 minutes away from his wife! You’re not the victim.

Raychel and Tiger supposedly had sex on his office couch for HOURS.  As unfaithful as he is, that’s still impressive.  Raychel said Tiger was able to maintain his sexual prowess because he kept drinking Gatorade and muttering, “If the sponsors ever find out about our fling, please tell ‘em I was drinking this stuff.  I don’t want Gatorade to drop me!”  Based on his brilliant golf ball pun, I’m surprised he didn’t say, “You know how to keep my putter up, baby!”

Coudriet said, “I just wanted to dig a big hole, crawl in it and die.”  When asked how he felt, Tiger told the press “I just wanted to dig a big hole, pretend it was a white girl who looks like my wife, and hump it.”

Bottom line:  Tiger is arguably the best golfer in history and the most successful athlete today….but he is unarguably a sex addict.  Even though he’s undergoing “treatment”; no one should trust him around anything white and pretty.  If Tiger sees any hot, young white chick; he’s jumping on her like a lifeboat next to the Titantic.  I personally wouldn’t trust him around my Persian kitty.

By Claude Stuart

©2010 Claude Stuart. All Rights Reserved.

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