STEVEN SEAGAL: Keeping Sex Slaves?

And this is the guy who DUMPED Kelly LeBrock

Kayden Nguyen, an ex-employee of Steven Seagal, is suing him for sexual harassment, sex trafficking and wrongful termination.  Seagal’s lawyer stated, “That’s ridiculous.  He never terminated her.”

Kayden says she answered a Craigslist ad for a job at a production company; she just sent her resume and photo. Next thing you know, she was interviewed by Seagal and his underlings. Okay, first warning sign: You sign up for a job interview via Craigslist, and Steven Seagal shows up at your door with a couple of henchmen. That’s scary.  Even if you are a die-hard fan…(Then you’d be expecting Bruce Willis. Folks!) Seriously, even if Segal is your favorite actor – if he appears at your door unannounced; ask him to sign your copy of Hard to Kill and tell him you’re late to your mother’s funeral.

So Kayden Nguyen took the job; they jumped on his private jet to New Orleans and he asked her, “Do you mind helping my wife around the house?” The creepy-meter just rose another few degrees. Kayden agreed. Then Seagal causually said “My wife wouldn’t mind if we were lovers.”  At first, I thought I couldn’t blame Kayden for not running ‘cause she’s trapped on a plane with Hong Dong Fuey…but there’s one hole in her statement: SEAGAL DOESN’T HAVE A WIFE. But perhaps that’s just his come-on line.

Nguyen says she was hired as an “executive assistant”, which to Seagal means “sex toy”.  He supposedly made her consume illegal pills, tried to fondle her breasts, and pushed his hands under her skirt.  Seagal’s attorney defended him by saying, “Steven was just preparing for a new movie where he plays a frat boy.”  (Hmm….he seems a little too old.  Maybe that’s a misprint; I probably added an extra “r” to that quote.)

Nguyen claims Seagal had 2 young Russian “attendants” who were available for his sexual needs 24-hours, 7 days a week.  First of all, no one can have sex 24-7, especially this fat bastard.  Secondly, the Russian vixens were asked why they’re his sexual attendants; they replied, “Steven said we had to either be his sex slaves or watch his movies.”  Excellent point, Anastasiya.  If I had to choose between hookin’ up with Steven Seagal or watching a marathon of theatrical masterpieces like Under Seige 2, The Glimmer Man and Mercenary For Justice….uh, nevermind.

After refusing to sexually service Seagal and refusing to sign a release that promised she wouldn’t sue for sexual assault, Kayden was kicked off his premises without her belongings.  Why did Steven Seagal fire this woman?  According to his attorney, “He had to make an Executive Decision.”

What’s the aftermath so far?  Well, Kayden is suing for $1 million…but is having to spend a lot outta her own pocket to do so.  Meanwhile, the accused martial arts expert’s show “Steven Seagal Lawman” is returning for a second season on A & E.

So what’s the lesson learned here?  If you wanna boost the ratings on your TV show, start sexually harassing people.

By Claude Stuart

©2010 Claude Stuart. All Rights Reserved.

Baby SCARFACE

The concept of “Scarface” as an elementary school play is truly hysterical.  To whomever thought of this and put it together, kudos!  You know a live action production is absurdly funny when it could easily work on “Family Guy”.  I appreciate the language being toned down for kids; i.e., “Fudge you” and “You son of a B!”  (The second is actually a Dane Cook line; but the originality of this “play” strongly outweighs the possible pilfering of a 5-word punchline.)  Censoring the profanity in this situation actually makes it funnier.  If the kids were really swearing, the joke would quickly wear off; ’cause Scarface drops more F-bombs than Ian McShane in “Deadwood”.

The casting of Tony “Scarface” Montanna is really good.  The boy looks like a tiny, screaming Pacino….wow, there was a couple of extra adjectives.

The little girl who plays Tony’s wife (Elvira Hancock, played by Michelle Pfiffer) is brilliant.  The lines “You do coke and you kill people.  That’s wonderful, Tony.” are inherently funny; but her sarcastic delivery, airquotes and utterly annoyed eye roll knock it out of the park!

Tony’s best friend (Manny) is the theatrical weak link here.  His acting abilities make Keanu Reeves look like Sir Anthony Hopkins.  After being shot by Tony, his “fall” is faker than Meg Ryan’s lips.  And what’s with the outfit?  I remember Manny wearing white in the movie, but this kid looks like a miniature mariachi trumpeter.

The popcorn as a cocaine substitution is fantastic.  I’ve tried snorting popcorn and eating cocaine.  Oddly enough, they’re both equally impossible.

Sometimes Tony’s gun sounds like a capgun; other times it sounds like a video game.  Regardless, Tony’s sister (Gina) screaming right after he shoots her is awesome.  And the hand-drawn “security cameras” are a nice touch!

When Tony is jumping around, reacting to the barrage of bullets….that’s how my gay cousin dances.

I love the teacher leading out the kid in the green jacket, facial hair and sideburns.  I honestly thought the kid was blind at first. And what the hell did he shoot at Tony, a piece of styrofoam?  Whatever it was, Tony had a great fall.  Seriously.

The icing on this deliciously vicious cake is at the very end  –  the kid in the green jacket bowing and waving like he just conducted the L.A. Philharmonic orchestra.

Sidenote:  When Tony says “Say hello to my little friend”, he could literally be talking about any of his co-stars.  They’re all in elementary school!

Here’s the one little problem I have with this video:  I don’t buy it.  It’s a hoax.  No elementary school  –  not even in Cuba  – would actually produce a “Scarface” play by the kids for their families.  Guns, cocaine and murder would not be condoned by hundreds of parents and faculties; much less applauded.  However, high nerds would probably see this and go, “I love the guns and murder, but why do they need cocaine?”

Even though this is not a real elementary school production, it is absolutely hilarious and deserves to be viewed by you and your friends.  Now if you’ll excuse me, I have some popcorn to snort.

By Claude Stuart

©2010 Claude Stuart. All Rights Reserved.

ONLINE DATING: Who Needs Porn? Internet Hoes Do It On The 1st Date

What’s the difference between PORN & ONLINE DATING? Both include semi-naked girls and guys with their asses pointed towards you while they lick their index finger.

The porn industry blames its $74 million decline on online dating sites.  1 out of 3 women who meet men online have sex with them on the FIRST encounter.  Well, who needs porn when you’ve got real hos with just a click of a button?  Here’s what the porn industry needs to realize:  Couples who meet OFFLINE take an average of 42 months before they marry.  Couples who meet ONLINE average 18.5 months before they marry. Thus, the online couples are running to the alter 2 YEARS SOONER.  This sounds like a great reason for men to NOT meet women online.  In fact, it would make a great commercial FOR PORN.  Hey gentlemen – would you rather spend cash on a complete stranger who could possibly ruin your evening and shatter your confidence forever, or would you rather just go home and enjoy some new PORN you just bought yourself?!!  Of course you’d rather take Choice B; you bought it for you; ya know you’re gonna love it!  A date with lady you meet online is gonna cost you a good $100; one porn dvd is $20 at the most.  In this economy, can you really afford to blow a Ben Franklin on a woman who MIGHT have sex with you? Your hand is NEVER gonna turn you down.  Remember:  Nobody does you….like you.

One out of 3 women who meet men online have sex with them on the first encounter; and 4 out of 5 of of them DON’T USE PROTECTION.  Clearly, sites like “match.com” need to start advertising condoms.  A spokesperson for “match.com” said “Well, we do advertise herpes medication.”  Well-played, sir.

On online dating sites, men lie most about their age, height and income.  Okay, age and income you can initially cover up…..but height?  Come on!  Unless you show up in a wheelchair or wear some KISS-type chuckaboots, how the hell are you gonna deceive a woman about your height?  You can’t list yourself as over 6 feet, then show up with the vertical stature of Prince.

And women, on the other hand, lie most about their age; weight; and physical build.  Again, you can cover up your age….but weight and build?  For the love of all that’s Holy, get real.  I used to meet women on myspace; this was the universal system that I noticed:

If a woman lists her body type as “athletic”, she has a big ass.  (Which I don’t complain about; I always say “If there’s junk in the trunk, time to collect.:)  If she lists her build as “curvy” or if she has a picture of her holding the camera from above, she’s fat.  If she lists her build as “more to love”, she’s enourmous. And if her profile picture is not of her but of her kids or of Angelina Jolie…..just delete her.

But there’s a lot of hot girls on line out there; good luck, guys!  My advice?  Two words:  Single mothers.  They’ll give you a whack and a snack.  Just stop lying about your height, fellas.

By Claude Stuart

©2010 Claude Stuart. All Rights Reserved.

MINDY McCREADY: Baseball Mistress Since She Was 15?

So the word broke out recently that former country music star Mindy McCready has a sex tape coming out.  Scott Staff; the lead singer of Creed; called her and said, “That’s not gonna revive your career; trust me.”  Kid Rock suddenly called Scott and said, “Speak for yourself, bitch.”  Pamela Anderson called Scott and said “Yeah, bitch”….then called McCready and said, “I recommend making two of them.”

McCready’s porn is called “Baseball Mistress” because she allegedly had an affair with married Roger Clemens that started when she was 15.  R Kelly immediately told the press the only reason he wouldn’t have dated Mindy when she was 15 is ’cause that’s too old for him.  McCready corrected the press and says it actually started when she was 16  –  well, that makes it legal.  It would be appropriate if it happened in 1804!

Porn giant Vivid Entertainment is releasing a XXX porn starring Mindy McCready, “Baseball Mistress”.  Her lawyer claims it’s not true and she’s not even in the porn; however, it’s a little suspicious that the dvd starts with her taking her clothes off, looking at the camera and saying “Hi, I’m Mindy McCready.”

McCready allegedly says on this sex tape that although Roger was “good in bed”, he did experience “erectile dysfunction” when he was with her.  When asked to comment, Roger said “That’s only because she started singing.”

The ex-boyfriend who is performing with Mindy in “Baseball Mistress” is referred to as “Peter”.  Two sequels are already in the works, starring Dick and Harry.  (Rimshot! Come on, people!)

Mindy  –  while being a very attractive woman  –  is not the victim; this chick has seen more ceilings than Michael ‘Angelo.

McCready has quite the criminal record, including arrests for using fake prescriptions to buy Oxycontin; D.U.I.s; driving with a suspended license; identity theft; unlawful use of transportation; unlawful imprisonment; hindering prosecution; violating probation; resisting arrest; and  –  here’s the kicker  –  BEATING HER MOM.  When interrogated by the police, she said “I was just doing my research, I’m trying to write another country song!”

After one of McCready’s arrests, she had to perform community service.  In other words, she promised to NOT MAKE ANOTHER COUNTRY ALBUM.

By Claude Stuart

©2010 Claude Stuart. All Rights Reserved.