ROETHLINSBERGER: Off The Hook

According to District Attorney (Ocmulgee, GA) Fred Bright, Ben Roethlisberger will NOT be charged with sexual assault because “the charge could not be proven beyond a reasonable doubt.”  Which means one of two things:  1) The D.A.’s on the Steelers’ payroll or 2)  They settled out of court.

Roethlisberger admitted he had “sexual contact” with his 20-year old college student accuser.  Man!  Considering every time I passed out in college, my buddies relentlessly T-bagged me; I could have sued them for the same thing!  Then again, they were broke college kids….so I probably would have just been awarded an ACDC T-shirt and a coupon to Long John Silver’s.

Roethlisberger also admitted that the Steelers’ bodyguards blocked access to a bathroom while he “aggressively hit” on a female bar patron inside.  Supposedly, the woman is not outraged that he was groping her and making crude innuendo; she just had a problem with Roethlisberger tackling her and screaming, “In your face, chump!”  His accuser then immediately threw a flag and signaled “Illegal use of hands.”

When asked his opinion on the incident, Steelers’ coach Mike Tomlin excitedly said, “Even our bodyguards know how to block!”

In defending Roethlisberger, his lawyer Ed Garland said “Ben and the accusers never had sex.  He flirts like he plays football: He’s always outside the pocket.” Upon hearing this, Roethlisberger’s accuser sneered, “That’s because he can’t go very deep.”  Garland went on to defend his client by saying, “Roethlisberger never tried to have sex with her; he just wanted her to get sacked.”

Okay, so technically Big Ben is innocent and did not sexually assault anyone.  (And Bill Clinton didn’t inhale, Larry Craig does yoga when he’s on the toilet and O.J.’s still looking for the real killers.) But let’s be honest….that’s only because he has the money and power to make problems disappear.

Did I mention his lawyer also defended Baltimore Ravens linebacker Ray Lewis for murder? Lewis got his charges dropped, AND the next year he was Superbowl MVP.  He would have also been Michael Vick’s attorney, but one of Vick’s pitbulls chewed up his phone number. Furthermore, Big Ben claimed the college accuser slipped and hurt her head….yet at the hospital, she was treated for “injuries in the vaginal area”.  (And I’m dyslexic?) If Ben worked construction, he’d be in the joint now, and the only passing he’d be doing is passing some 3-pack-a-day bitch over to Chewy in the next cell.

This is the SECOND time he’s been accused of sexual assault in the past year. If he’d been that consistent last season, the Steelers would’ve won the Superbowl again! You don’t hear those rumors about Drew Brees or Brett Farve.  Why?  ‘Cause they don’t sexually assault people.

Steelers President Art Rooney said in his statement, “Ben will now have to work hard to earn back the respect and trust of Steelers fans, and to live up to the leadership responsibilities we all expect of him. Which is apparently acting like a rapist who never gets punished.

By Claude Stuart

©2010 Claude Stuart. All Rights Reserved.


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OPRAH: Pathological Liar? No Not Oprah

Kitty Kelly’s new book alleges that Oprah is a liar who is obsessed with her public image.  I’m truly shocked; it’s not like she named a magazine after herself and appeared on every cover.

Kitty Kelley says in her new book she knows the secret identity of Oprah’s real father but doesn’t wanna reveal it.  Kelly also claims she knows who shot JFK and where Hoffa’s body is buried, but doesn’t wanna reveal it.

Supposedly Oprah and Stedman don’t even share the same bedroom.  Tom Cruise’s reaction was, “And the problem is…?”

Oprah is rumored to have had an affair with John Tesh.  Oddly enough, the sex was “boring, unnecessarily informative and had a bad soundtrack.”

Tesh’s ex says he broke things off because he couldn’t handle being part of an interracial couple.  She told the press, “He looked down one night and saw his white body next to her black body and couldn’t take it anymore.  He walked out.”  This disgusts me…not that he couldn’t handle interracial love, but the image of John Tesh walking naked.

John Tesh was in denial about his affair with Oprah; he actually thought she was white….until she admitted that she doesn’t who her father is.

Oprah says she actually dumped John Tesh ‘cause after every love-making session; he started playing contemporary Christian songs on the piano and telling her health-related factoids.

Supposedly Oprah sold her body for money and described herself as a teen prostitute. Her street name was “Ho-prah”.

Oprah claims to have been so poor, she adopted two cockroaches named Melinda and Sandy.  Her family members say this is a lie; Melinda and Sandy were metaphorical cockroaches – a hooker and pimp who lived with the family.

Supposedly Winfrey had a lesbian affair with Diane Sawyer ‘cause Winfrey sent her flowers and a 1-carot diamond ring.  Okay, if a woman sends another woman flowers and a diamond ring; most of their boyfriends would say “What the hell is going on with you two?  And why wasn’t I invited?”  If my girlfriend sent another girl flowers and a diamond ring, I’d say “Where the hell did you get the money? You know rent’s due next week, right?”

Kitty Kelly’s new books alleges that Oprah lied about being sexually abused as a child and about growing up in poverty.  But Kelly says Winfrey was actually born in Koskiusko, Mississippi.  Sidenote: “Mississippi” is an old Indian word meaning “Father of Waters”; and “Koskiusko” is an old Indian word meaning, “Mother of Liars.”

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By Claude Stuart

©2010 Claude Stuart. All Rights Reserved

HEIDI MONTAG (o)(o) GIANT BOOBS in Bikini

Hottest Blow Up Sex Doll Ever

As we say where I come from, “She is hotter than two jackrabbits makin’ love in a wool sock in Zimbabwe on the edge of the Equator inside a volcano on the 4th of July!”  I bet she hears that every day….

Those boobs look about as fake as a Tom Cruise marriage.

“Lord, whatever it is I’ve done wrong in my life  –  please don’t strike me blind now!”  –  George Kennedy from COOL HAND LUKE

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By Claude Stuart

©2010vClaude Stuart. All Rights Reserved.

LADY GAGA: Stays Celibate to Fight AIDS

In an effort to fight AIDS, Lady Gaga claims she’s abstaining from sex.  She told the press, “I’m celibate.”  But she didn’t specify for how long….she could be celibate for just the next 10 minutes.  Hell, I’m currently stuck in an airport, typing away on my laptop; and until I see my fiance in L.A., I’M celibate!

When asked what her goal was, Lady Gaga told a male reporter “My first objective is –  I want to stop the global AIDS crisis.”  Then the reporter asked what her second objective is; she answered, “I wanna take a ride on your disco stick.”  Lady Gaga is about as subtle as Jim Carrey quoting and dancing to Snoop Dogg.

LG told People magazine that her going celibate will help solve the HIV crisis.  My question:  How many lovers does this chick have?  If Lady Gaga honestly thinks abstaining from her sexual partners will put an end to spreading AIDS; she’s gotta be taking more shots than Pacino at the end of Scarface.

I’m personally a little worried about Lady Gaga; she looks skinny enough to have the HIV.

Here’s my advice, kids:  You wanna know the best way to be celibate?  Dress like Lady Gaga.  No man wants to bang a woman dressed like chandelier or a Lite Brite.  And no woman wants to bang a man with 8-inch boots and more makeup than Ronald McDonald.  Now go write a Bad Romance!

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By Claude Stuart

©2010 Claude Stuart. All Rights Reserved.


HEF Finally “Settles Down” ….Again

Hugh Hefner  –  the only man who’s slept with more women than Gene Simmons, Wilt Chamberlin and Tiger  –  is finally settling down.  Many people are saying, “Is he on drugs?”  That’s an absurd question.  Of course he’s on drugs.  What man over age 60 in this country is not on drugs?  Viagra, Cialis, Lepitor  –  the government says you gotta take something!

Hefner is now in an exclusive relationship with Playmate Crystal Harris, who I’m convinced is actually Kelly Rippa’s daughter.

She’s 23; he’s 84….clearly, she has a Great-Grandaddy complex.  Apparently, Hugh Hefner is a GGILF.

When asked if they are really monogamous, Harris answered, “As long as he’s rich, absolutely.”

All Crystal Harris’s friends think she’s always been in a committed relationship with Hefner.  One explained, “If Crystal’s dating a dude 61 years older than she is, she should be committed….to a mental hospital.”  The Playboy Mansion meets Shutter Island.  I’m calling Scorsese; that script will totally sell in Hollywood!

Another one of Harris’ friends defended her by saying, “She should be Hugh Hefner’s exclusive girlfriend.  He’s 84 years old.  Their relationship can only last like 3 weeks, tops.”

Hefner says he has found true love because Crystal Harris is “very real”.  He then added, “I mean, except for her breasts.”  Hey, she had to make Playmate of the Month somehow.  Coughing up $8600 for implants  –  now THAT’S  a commitment!

Hefner also said, “The problems with the other girls is there were other motivations, their careers.”  Well, she’s a model and a singer.  I know I’m jumping off a cliff here with this wild assumption….but I’m guessing Crystal Harris wouldn’t be Hef’s girlfriend if he was a Walmart greeter.  Money can’t buy her love; but it can buy her a modeling/recording contract.

Hef claims he never cheats when he’s in a committed relationship and says “The real immorality of the infidelity is the lying.”  Really?  It’s not the random, cheap sexual encounters in the backseat of a limo in a Denny’s parking lot?  I think on the sinful totem pole, Cheating trumps Lying.  I’m pretty sure when Sandra Bullock and Elin Nordegren got tested for STDs, they weren’t thinking, “The only reason I’m here is because my husband lied.”

By the way, Hugh Hefner looks exactly like Bill Maher will in 20 years.  The only difference is, Bill still won’t be in a committed relationship.  When I first moved to L.A., I actually saw Bill Maher walk into a restaurant with 3 beautiful, black women.  I thought he was Destiny Child’s accountant.

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By Claude Stuart

©2010 Claude Stuart. All Rights Reserved