HEF Finally “Settles Down” ….Again

Hugh Hefner  –  the only man who’s slept with more women than Gene Simmons, Wilt Chamberlin and Tiger  –  is finally settling down.  Many people are saying, “Is he on drugs?”  That’s an absurd question.  Of course he’s on drugs.  What man over age 60 in this country is not on drugs?  Viagra, Cialis, Lepitor  –  the government says you gotta take something!

Hefner is now in an exclusive relationship with Playmate Crystal Harris, who I’m convinced is actually Kelly Rippa’s daughter.

She’s 23; he’s 84….clearly, she has a Great-Grandaddy complex.  Apparently, Hugh Hefner is a GGILF.

When asked if they are really monogamous, Harris answered, “As long as he’s rich, absolutely.”

All Crystal Harris’s friends think she’s always been in a committed relationship with Hefner.  One explained, “If Crystal’s dating a dude 61 years older than she is, she should be committed….to a mental hospital.”  The Playboy Mansion meets Shutter Island.  I’m calling Scorsese; that script will totally sell in Hollywood!

Another one of Harris’ friends defended her by saying, “She should be Hugh Hefner’s exclusive girlfriend.  He’s 84 years old.  Their relationship can only last like 3 weeks, tops.”

Hefner says he has found true love because Crystal Harris is “very real”.  He then added, “I mean, except for her breasts.”  Hey, she had to make Playmate of the Month somehow.  Coughing up $8600 for implants  –  now THAT’S  a commitment!

Hefner also said, “The problems with the other girls is there were other motivations, their careers.”  Well, she’s a model and a singer.  I know I’m jumping off a cliff here with this wild assumption….but I’m guessing Crystal Harris wouldn’t be Hef’s girlfriend if he was a Walmart greeter.  Money can’t buy her love; but it can buy her a modeling/recording contract.

Hef claims he never cheats when he’s in a committed relationship and says “The real immorality of the infidelity is the lying.”  Really?  It’s not the random, cheap sexual encounters in the backseat of a limo in a Denny’s parking lot?  I think on the sinful totem pole, Cheating trumps Lying.  I’m pretty sure when Sandra Bullock and Elin Nordegren got tested for STDs, they weren’t thinking, “The only reason I’m here is because my husband lied.”

By the way, Hugh Hefner looks exactly like Bill Maher will in 20 years.  The only difference is, Bill still won’t be in a committed relationship.  When I first moved to L.A., I actually saw Bill Maher walk into a restaurant with 3 beautiful, black women.  I thought he was Destiny Child’s accountant.

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By Claude Stuart

©2010 Claude Stuart. All Rights Reserved


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