According to District Attorney (Ocmulgee, GA) Fred Bright, Ben Roethlisberger will NOT be charged with sexual assault because “the charge could not be proven beyond a reasonable doubt.”  Which means one of two things:  1) The D.A.’s on the Steelers’ payroll or 2)  They settled out of court.

Roethlisberger admitted he had “sexual contact” with his 20-year old college student accuser.  Man!  Considering every time I passed out in college, my buddies relentlessly T-bagged me; I could have sued them for the same thing!  Then again, they were broke college kids….so I probably would have just been awarded an ACDC T-shirt and a coupon to Long John Silver’s.

Roethlisberger also admitted that the Steelers’ bodyguards blocked access to a bathroom while he “aggressively hit” on a female bar patron inside.  Supposedly, the woman is not outraged that he was groping her and making crude innuendo; she just had a problem with Roethlisberger tackling her and screaming, “In your face, chump!”  His accuser then immediately threw a flag and signaled “Illegal use of hands.”

When asked his opinion on the incident, Steelers’ coach Mike Tomlin excitedly said, “Even our bodyguards know how to block!”

In defending Roethlisberger, his lawyer Ed Garland said “Ben and the accusers never had sex.  He flirts like he plays football: He’s always outside the pocket.” Upon hearing this, Roethlisberger’s accuser sneered, “That’s because he can’t go very deep.”  Garland went on to defend his client by saying, “Roethlisberger never tried to have sex with her; he just wanted her to get sacked.”

Okay, so technically Big Ben is innocent and did not sexually assault anyone.  (And Bill Clinton didn’t inhale, Larry Craig does yoga when he’s on the toilet and O.J.’s still looking for the real killers.) But let’s be honest….that’s only because he has the money and power to make problems disappear.

Did I mention his lawyer also defended Baltimore Ravens linebacker Ray Lewis for murder? Lewis got his charges dropped, AND the next year he was Superbowl MVP.  He would have also been Michael Vick’s attorney, but one of Vick’s pitbulls chewed up his phone number. Furthermore, Big Ben claimed the college accuser slipped and hurt her head….yet at the hospital, she was treated for “injuries in the vaginal area”.  (And I’m dyslexic?) If Ben worked construction, he’d be in the joint now, and the only passing he’d be doing is passing some 3-pack-a-day bitch over to Chewy in the next cell.

This is the SECOND time he’s been accused of sexual assault in the past year. If he’d been that consistent last season, the Steelers would’ve won the Superbowl again! You don’t hear those rumors about Drew Brees or Brett Farve.  Why?  ‘Cause they don’t sexually assault people.

Steelers President Art Rooney said in his statement, “Ben will now have to work hard to earn back the respect and trust of Steelers fans, and to live up to the leadership responsibilities we all expect of him. Which is apparently acting like a rapist who never gets punished.

By Claude Stuart

©2010 Claude Stuart. All Rights Reserved.

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