My Mom told me I blame others too much. I said, “Yeah, Mom; who’s fault is that?
My Mom asked me, “Why do you always procrastinate?” I was like, “I’ll tell you tomorrow.”
I’m from Genration X; a generation that’s supposedly of bunch of slackers. I started writing a joke about this….but I didn’t feel like finishing. Instead, I played a video game, smoked a joint, and asked my Mom for money.
My Mom’s from the South; she has that cute, Southern accent. But Mom also teaches grammar; so every time we talk, she corrects me. I was just on the phone with her, saying, “Mom, I’m sorry. I’m tired, I gotta go lay down.” She said, “Uh-uh-uh. You’re not gonna LAY DOWN; you’re gonna LIE DOWN.” Mom, you need to go GET LIED.
When I grew up, my Mom was always “The Hot Mom”. She’s a MILF. In 8th grade, I actually caught my friends videotaping her while she was sunbathing. So I did what any responsible teenage son would have done: I grabbed that video, made copies and sold ‘em for cash!
My best friend had a major crush on my Mom. I actually caught him stealing a photo of her in a bikini. I was shocked….that he fit into her bikini. Mom was mad; she said, “Who stole my picture? Whoever stole my picture deserves a good wack.” Too late for that, Mom. I’m sure the thief is experiencing much wacking as we speak.
My fiance asked me, “Your Mom’s 62 and she’s in great shape. How does she find the motivation?” I said, “Well, you can’t be judgmental AND fat.”
Please don’t judge me, folks. If I wanna be judged, I’ll talk to my mother.
My Mom told me I’m fat. I’m 5-11, 160 pounds….that’s fat? And she wonders why my sister was anorexic.
One time after my buddies and I went to Cancun for Spring Break; we were at my parents’ house, looking at the pictures. My buddy Mark said – really loud – “Hey, Claude; that’s the chick you hooked up with who had the huge knockers!” My Mom walked into the room with a very serious look on her face and said in her charming, southern, Scarlet O-Hara-esque accent: “Ya’ll are all gonna get AIDS and die.”
Mom’s from The South; Southern women are the best insulters ever. They put a positive adverb in front of a negative adjective. Mom always says things like, “That girl is perfectly terrible. She is brilliantly retarded. Bless her heart.”
Mother’s Day and Father’s Day are coming up…..or as I like to call them, Card Day and Bad Tie Day.
When it comes to Mother’s Day, I bet Mexican women have it best. ‘Cause their phone probably rings nonstop.
My Mom doesn’t really understand tattoo trends. She came out to visit me and we saw a guy with a “teardrop” tattoo. She said to me, “Oh, look, honey; he’s said. I’m gonna tell him a happy story!” Mom, please don’t talk to him!
One time when I was visiting home, my Mom returned from an errand; and I told her, “Aunt Nancy just called.” I SWEAR she said, “On the phone?” I said, “No, Mom, on the microwave. Of course I answered the blender. And she also sent you a fax; so check the fridge.”
My Mom doesn’t understand slang. I told her, “After my show last night, this beautiful woman was hitting on me.” Mom said, “Oh my God! With her fist or open hand? Either way, you can sue!”
By Claude Stuart
©2010 Claude Stuart. All Rights Reserved.