Pamela Anderson, 4 Bronzed Boobs

Pamela Anderson now has an identical twin!  At least according to Marc Quinn’s new art exhibit.  The British artist has opened his exhibit in London, and Pam Anderson is featured in the form of a bronze statue, shaped like two scantily clad twins.

Marc Quinn named Anderson’s statue “The Ecstatic Autogenesis of Pamela”.  He changed it from its original title: “Party of 5”.  (Seriously, the Pam Anderson statue is titillating.  I researched it; I’m abreast of the situation. That’s right, I’m gonna milk this predictable premise.  Alright, time to can it; I feel like a boob.)*

Anderson is a huge fan of Quinn’s work and jumped at the chance to work with him.  She told the tabloids, “I didn’t even ask what he wanted to do with me. I would have done anything.”  The original producers of Baywatch responded to this, saying “That’s absolutely true. We didn’t give her the part ‘cause she could act.”

Anderson is very complimentary of Quinn’s finished product of her twins’ images, calling it “raw, not perfect.  I think that’s what makes it interesting.  Sexy isn’t perfect.”  Well, if that’s the case; now I understand why women are into Seth Rogen.

This entire exhibit is dedicated to people “who have transformed their appearances”.  Next up, Quinn will be featuring Mickey Rourke, Bridget Neilson and Obama’s political views.

Marc Quinn has always used bronze in his celebrity works.  In 2006 he made a bronze, life-sized statue of Kate Moss.  Oddly enough, Kate Moss’s statue weighs 5 times more than she does.  And Kate didn’t like seeing herself in the image of a statue, telling reporters “It made me wanna throw up.”

Quinn explained the theme of his exhibit, stating “You’ve got people who’ve transformed the outsides of their bodies to  fit how they feel inside.”  Evidently, Pam Anderson feels….very artificial.  Don’t get me wrong; she looks fantastic; but Pammy’s body and hair color are faker than Kevin Costner’s foreign accents.

The Mighty Quinn did a great job at consistently showcasing his theme throughout his display, including statues of transgender porn stars Allanah Star (a male-to-female) and Buck Angel (a female-to-male).  Star and Angel stand naked and hold hands, a la Adam and Eve….or in this case, Adamina and Evan.  It’s interesting; Allanah Star is a man who became a woman; Buck Angel is a woman turned man; and now they’re both popular porn stars.  People pay them a lot of money to watch them have sex on camera….and I gotta be honest, not only would I not bang either of them; I don’t wanna see anyone else do it, either!  But that’s the beauty of the American dream, man.  I mean, girl.  Uh….both.

So what’s next for Pam Anderson?  The “Dancing with the Stars” hottie just launched her own vegan milkshake.  It’s tasty; the ice cream floats on top of the shake; and when popped with a straw, the ice cream starts leaking.

(*I lost a bet with my editor; my payment was to put in 5 bad boob puns in this article.  I think I put in about 8.  Clearly, I’m an over-achiever…)

Jennifer Aniston Nude….Sort of

The following sentence got my attention:  JENNIFER ANISTON POSED NUDE.

I know; it’s exciting, right?  Well, don’t get your expectations too high.  (I mean, don’t lower them like you’re about to see a Matthew McConaughey movie; but take it down a notch.)  Yes, she’s nude; but she’s covered by a towel.  You’re not gonna see any funbags or “the vertical smile”, but she looks lovely.

Anniston is posing “nude” to promote her new perfume, Lovalie.  This new, sweet fragrance is rumored to smell like a cross between flowers, citrus….and resentment toward Angelina.

Jennifer actually has two perfumes in the works; “Lovalie” represents a single, independent, sweetheart of a woman; and “Jolie” represents a chronically child-adopting, cheating whore.

Anniston is keeping quite busy these days.  She’s acting, directing, promoting her new perfume; and she plans to even open her own line of beauty products.  In a related story, Matt LaBlanc sold 3 dvd copies of “Joey: The First Season” on E-Bay for 12 bucks.  To be fair, LaBlanc told the guy who bought the dvds that they were coasters.

When asked why she’s working so hard on new projects like directing feature films and making beauty creations, Anniston said; “I want to give the public as many quality products as I can.  After Bounty Hunter, they deserve it.”

Anniston says she’s not worried about what others think, telling the press “the media will create stories whether they are true or false.”  And she’s right; I just read a newspaper article that said an Irish Unicorn is The Loch Ness Monster’s Baby’s Momma.  Then I saw a headline that read, “Paris Hilton Has Talent.”  I now believe in two new things: Unicorns and The Loch Ness Monster.

By Claude Stuart

©2010 Claude Stuart. All Rights Reserved.

Cameron Douglas, Lucky Sperm Club; Not So Lucky.

Cameron Douglas, Michael Douglas’ son who’s admitted to using heroin; was just sentenced to 5 years in jail for selling cocaine and methamphetamine.  I’m shocked.  His father is Michael Douglas, and his step Mom is Catherine Zeta Jones.  If he wanted drugs so bad, he should have just gone with them to a Hollywood party.

Cameron Douglas’ attorney told the court, “My client is not a drug addict.  He’s just an actor who wants to get on the next season of ‘Celebrity Rehab’.”

For my Amish readers  –  Michael Douglas is an incredibly successful, multi-million dollar-making, Emmy, Golden Globe and Academy Award-winning actor who’s been in the public eye for 40 years.  He’s one of my favorite theatrical performers.  To think that his son went to jail for doing the same thing I do every weekend… quite the compliment.

All jokes aside, it’s a fact that children who feel abandoned by their parents are more likely to turn to drugs.  Michael Douglas and Catherine Zeta Jones divide their time among their homes in Pacific Palisades, CA; New York City; Aspen, Colorado; Bermuda; Majorca, Spain; Swansea, Wales; Ridgewood, New Jersey; and La Conception, Quebec.  8 homes, and 8 more reasons to do drugs.  I’m very disappointed in Michael and Catherine….not for abandoning Cameron; but for living in New Jersey.

Michael Douglas is known Democrat; he has donated money to Al Franken, Christopher Dodd and Barack Obama….and he will soon be donating money to his sons’ prison guards.  You know, for “protection”.  INTERESTING FACT:  Michael once accidentally hit a New York caddy in the groin with an errant golf ball, causing him to lose a testicle.  If Cameron really wants protection in the slammer, he should just have his Dad hit golf balls at the inmates.

By Claude Stuart

©2010 Claude Stuart. All Rights Reserved.

World’s Biggest Baby. NO, Not Kanye West.

When I first heard people mention the world’s biggest baby, I thought they were talking about Kanye West.

But no, the largest infant in the Universe is Miguelin; a baby that’s over 21 feet tall!  Miguelin is a creation of famous Spanish film director Isabel Coixet, who invented this artificial enormous toddler to be part of the Spanish Pavilion at the Shanghai World Expo 2010 – an international fair.

So if the entire purpose of Migeulin is to prove how much Spain and China care about their youth, why’s the baby white and completely American-looking?  Perhaps this is a metaphorical jab at our country and how we need to stop bitching about the imploded economy and simply pull ourselves up by our bootstraps, all the while merely trusting that things will most certainly work out because any other option is way too bleak to even comprehend?….Or maybe U.S. babies are just cheaper.  (Pretty soon, Spanish and Chinese citizens will be buying their national flags with tags that read “Made in America”.)

Seriously, this baby is so large and white, even Angelina and Madonna refused to adopt it.  “Too big and too white”…..Lord knows I’ve heard half of that sentence on several occasions.   Moving on!

Now the world’s largest baby isn’t just an unblinking prop.  Not only does Miguelin blink; he breaths, smiles at visitors and dreams of the cities we leave to our future generations. This is the theme of the entire Expo: “Better City, Better Life”.  Which is a slight change from Spain’s suggested theme, “Bigger Baby, Bitter Wife”.

Miguelin was invented to show “the passion that China and Spain have always shared for our children.”  I knew Spain had this zealous love for children, but China?  Really?  To its credit, China actually built two gigantic babies for this occasion: the male one does math homework and bows at visitors; and the female one drowns in a river.

It’s pretty amazing that Isabel Coixet was so inspired to display her care for offspring in China and Spain that she produced a 21-foot baby.  I haven’t seen anyone this excited about Asian youth since Woody Allen.

More than 190 countries are participating in this international event, and each one is equally excited.  Every nation will compete in playful Olympian-style games; and the losers have to change Miguelin’s diapers.

Spain and China aren’t the only countries who’ve crafted titanic toddlers.  The Aka pygmies of Central Africa have created a humongous baby as well.  It stands at a towering 4-foot-2.

By Claude Stuart

©2010 Claude Stuart. All Rights Reserved.

“Crappy Meals” Bum Out Fat Kids

Should Happy Meals be banned?  A group of lawmakers in California says “Hell, yeah!”  They claim the Happy Meal toys, often modeled after popular action film characters, give kids an unfair incentive to eat unhealthy meals; and they’re going to start fining McDonald’s at least $1,000 per location unless these kid meals are removed from the menu.  Many of the parents are livid about this, referring to the new menu as “Crappy Meals”.

Okay, we all know hormone-infested food, drug companies pushing chemicals and a recent economic meltdown have all contributed to American kids blowing up like mini-Michelin tires; and I’m the first to say that’s a huge problem (No pun intended with that adjective….great, my fiance just said “No pun accomplished, honey.”)

However, McDonald’s is part of a larger public dilemma that we’re facing, and nobody’s talking about it.  Allow me to propose a serious question:  Does anyone else think we need to change our Fast Food chain mascots ‘cause they’re too creepy?  Ronald McDonald is a freaky-looking clown hanging out on a children’s playground.  His best friend, “The Hamburglar”, is not only named after a FELONY; but also dressed in prison garb, a cape, a black sombrero, two immensely fake ears and an incredibly phallic tie.  (I don’t know what’s worse – that he looks like a rapist on peyote, or that his outfit is essentially a combination of 5 bad Halloween costumes.) The Burger King is the freakiest-looking mask I’ve seen since Michael Myers in the original HALLOWEEN.  (The 1979 classic one; not the piece of T-Rex dung remake.)  Even the Wendy’s girl looks like Carrot Top with pigtails.  (Before the steroids and Asian eyebrows; I’ll give her much-deserved props on that.)  Why do American fast food mascots look like pedophiles and freakshows?  “In and Out” sounds like a porno.  I’m surprised the mascot for Carls, Jr. isn’t some creepster named Carl in an icecream truck with no windows.  (Sidenote:  Fox News actually tried to get Carl’s, Jr. to hire Karl Rove to be its spokesperson, but to no avail.  Rove was quoted as saying “I’m not interested; not enough innocent people die from this product.  I mean, my name starts with a ‘K’.”)

So parents  –  let your kids eat Happy Meals and play with toys based on blockbuster flicks in moderation.  But for the love of everything benevolent….help me campaign fast food restaurants to change their mascots.  Let’s get spokespeople who are not only kid-friendly, but adult-friendly.  I don’t think any sane adult would voluntarily hang out with Ronald McDonald.  And let’s be honest  –  if you were walking down a dark street alone and saw the Burger King ambling toward you, you’d either run in the opposite direction or grab your mace.  So Mommas and Daddies….mail a letter, send an email, start a facebook page; let’s do whatever it takes to replace our molester fastfood mascots.  You know it’s a freaky industry when the most normal-looking person is Colonel Sanders.  Only two white men in history have pulled off a white suit  –  Travolta in Saturday Night Fever and Steve Martin.  (For my avid readers, make that Tom Wolfe and Mark Twain.)

By Claude Stuart

©2010 Claude Stuart. All Rights Reserved.

North Carolina Thong Bikini Ban

Well, spring is here; summer’s approaching; and somewhere in America….thongs have been banned!  That’s right, a beautiful area on a seaside community in North Carolina has just enforced a “zero tolerance” of anyone wearing a thong.  The specific area is called “Kure Beach”  –  which is apparently the cure for proper spelling and partial nudity  –  and it is located on, ironically enough, North Carolina’s “Pleasure Island”.

Mayor Dean Lambeth said, “Everything we do is family-oriented.  We like the small town atmosphere.”  Some thong-sporters strongly disagreed, arguing “Why do you think we’re wearing thongs?  To entice others to rip them off, and start a family.  Duh!”

Lambeth also said this legal decision about the “barely there bikini” debate was sparked by a couple recently asking if they could wear thongs on Kure Beach during their honeymoon.  Not only were they denied this request, but the Mayor outlawed it for eternity.  What a Buzz Kill.  “Congratulations on your marriage.  Now put on a wetsuit!”

The specific law states that no one can sunbathe “naked or insufficiently clothed.”

Okay, “naked”, I understand.  But although “Insufficiently clothed” clearly refers to thongs….it can also include any guy wearing knee-high socks.

Get this:  The penalty for wearing a thong on Kure Beach is 25 bucks.  That’s ridiculous; where is a person with a G-string gonna hide their cash?  If they do have cash on ‘em, I wouldn’t wanna touch it.  And God forbid the thonger decides to pay with coins or a check.  Not even C.S.I. would touch that shit.

I wanna meet the guy who has this job.

“And what do you do for a living?”

“I collect money from people who violate the thong law.”

I’d have more respect from someone who violates people, then collects their money and thongs.

Could this new Thong Ban end up being appealed in court?  Mayor Lambeth says yes, and he foresees only liberals for causing this ruckus.  He told CNN, “You can file a suit  –  the way this country is leaning so far to the left, it wouldn’t surprise me.”  (For the record  –  I’d like to congratulate the Mayor on taking time out of his busy schedule to comment on this issue.  Lord knows it’s gotta be hard to take a break from reading Sarah Palin’s memoir.)  Lambeth added he’s proud of his news-breaking legal decision, saying people should be “glad somebody is finally taking a stand for public decency.”  Meanwhile, Rush Limbaugh is still on the air.

To be fair to Dean Lambeth, I do think some people should be punished for wearing this minimal pubic fabric.  If you’re in public rockin’ a thong when you have a Gladbag body, you deserve to pay a fine.  You NEED to pay a fine.  But if you actually have a thong body and decide to showcase it by only wearing this miniscule waistband, the Mayor has to pay you 25 bucks.  That’s justice, baby.

By Claude Stuart

©2010 Claude Stuart. All Rights Reserved.

Chelsea Handler SEX TAPE Report

Who stars in the latest celebrity sex tape?  Chelsea Handler, baby.  That’s right; reported and Chelsea herself confirmed that she stars in a graphic sex tape from 10 years ago.  Well, at least this time our star actually possesses talent.  (Chelsea is famous for being a comedienne, actress and author; while Paris Hilton is famous for….being famous, and Kim Kardashian is famous for having a big ass.)

How graphic is the tape?  Well, let’s just say too graphic to be called “Chelsea Handjob” but not graphic enough to be titled “Chelsea Rapely”.  The tape begins with our leading lady introducing herself while fully clothed in an apartment, and going into a stand-up routine.  The tape then suddenly cuts to Chelsea having sex doggy-style!  No joke; she’s completely naked on all fours, getting rammed like a helpless rodeo clown.  She looks directly into the camera on several occasions, and her naked breasts are swayin’ and swingin’ like the bridge in Indiana Jones & the Temple of Doom.

Directly after the sex ends, her partner asks in a clear, British accent:  “Did we get the fucking shot?”  Chelsea says nothing; she just looks into the camera and smiles.  (Which you gotta give her credit for, rather than opting to say an equally bad sexual pun like, “Right on the money!”)  Then the tape cuts back to Chelsea continuing her stand-up act in her apartment.

Chelsea addressed this on her show, saying she made it as a joke for comedy clubs and other industry contacts; in attempt to get their attention.  Well, Mission Accomplished, honey.

This is actually a brilliant marketing move.  Chelsea sent this tape out….and eventually started dating Ted Harbart, the CEO of Comcast Entertainment Group; who oversees E! Entertainment Television; the network that broadcasts “Chelsea Lately”!  (…That ate the cat who banged the rat that lived in the house that Chelsea built.)

Chelsea filmed herself doing the wild thing, sent it out to industry execs,  and got her own show.  That’s how you do it, kids.  And all this time I’ve been taping myself wacking off and mailing it to my favorite radio station.  No wonder I never hear my song.

But this mock porno has eventually made Chelsea Handler multi-media.  She’s a nationally renowned comedienne, columnist, actress, best-selling author and hostess of her own incredibly popular talk show.  I even saw Chelsea Handler in a bikini on the cover of Playboy and Shape magazines, I’m seriously impressed.  Not at how great she looks; I’m impressed she wasn’t holding any booze.  This woman admittedly drinks like Tara Reid bar-hopping on Fat Tuesday.

Honestly, no one should be shocked by this tape.  Chelsea’s 3 best-selling books are titled, “My Horizontal Life: A Collection of One-Night Stands”, “Are you there, Vodka? It’s Me, Chelsea” and “Chelsea Chelsea Bang Bang”.  The comedienne proudly declares she’s an alcoholic whore.  She’s probably had sex more times than she’s made fun of Chuy (or more times than she’s angrily scowled at the camera after telling a joke in effort to milk extra laughter from the audience); the odds that she taped one of those times is pretty damn high.

(FYI  –  I actually know Chelsea and have performed with her many times before she got famous.  I’ve always found her comedic abilities to be strong and unquestionable.  But her response to this soft porn prank is quite the opposite; keep reading….)

Ms. Handler’s reaction to this tape has been contradictory.  First Chelsea puts out a sex tape.  Next, she claims it’s a joke. Then she says it is a sex tape, but she wasn’t really having sex….and ultimately, she’s mad at for reporting this story.  Chelsea’s story changes more than the cast of “Law and Order”.  Little Known Fact: Chelsea was asked to join the cast of “Dancing with the Stars” during its sixth season but declined.  That’s a shame, ‘cause she’s been dancing around this sex tape story perfectly.  She’s making Ben Vereen look like a quadriplegic.

The bottom line is this:  Controversy produces publicity.  Chelsea Handler is an archetype example of this.  Her faux dirty video got people watching, and got people talking….and conclusively and irrevocably got the right people to create a talk show around her.  Don’t take Chelsea’s reaction to this sex vid too seriously; she’s doing what she does best: Stirring up trouble and making people laugh.  (And don’t take my commentary about Chelsea’s hypocritical reaction to the tape too seriously; I have to put SOME jokes in these blogs!)

My only problem with “Chelsea Lately” is she’s been using the same comedians on her show for a long time and refusing to welcome any new ones.  Handler addressed this, explaining “The worse the guests are, the more pathetic they are, the funnier the show is.”  Well, listen up, Chelsea…..I’m 38 years old and live in an apartment with my fiance’ and a roommate who parades around in his nut-hugging Whitey Tighties.  If “pathetic” equals “funny”, I will boost your ratings and earn you an Emmy.

By Claude Stuart

©2010 Claude Stuart. All Rights Reserved.