North Carolina Thong Bikini Ban

Well, spring is here; summer’s approaching; and somewhere in America….thongs have been banned!  That’s right, a beautiful area on a seaside community in North Carolina has just enforced a “zero tolerance” of anyone wearing a thong.  The specific area is called “Kure Beach”  –  which is apparently the cure for proper spelling and partial nudity  –  and it is located on, ironically enough, North Carolina’s “Pleasure Island”.

Mayor Dean Lambeth said, “Everything we do is family-oriented.  We like the small town atmosphere.”  Some thong-sporters strongly disagreed, arguing “Why do you think we’re wearing thongs?  To entice others to rip them off, and start a family.  Duh!”

Lambeth also said this legal decision about the “barely there bikini” debate was sparked by a couple recently asking if they could wear thongs on Kure Beach during their honeymoon.  Not only were they denied this request, but the Mayor outlawed it for eternity.  What a Buzz Kill.  “Congratulations on your marriage.  Now put on a wetsuit!”

The specific law states that no one can sunbathe “naked or insufficiently clothed.”

Okay, “naked”, I understand.  But although “Insufficiently clothed” clearly refers to thongs….it can also include any guy wearing knee-high socks.

Get this:  The penalty for wearing a thong on Kure Beach is 25 bucks.  That’s ridiculous; where is a person with a G-string gonna hide their cash?  If they do have cash on ‘em, I wouldn’t wanna touch it.  And God forbid the thonger decides to pay with coins or a check.  Not even C.S.I. would touch that shit.

I wanna meet the guy who has this job.

“And what do you do for a living?”

“I collect money from people who violate the thong law.”

I’d have more respect from someone who violates people, then collects their money and thongs.

Could this new Thong Ban end up being appealed in court?  Mayor Lambeth says yes, and he foresees only liberals for causing this ruckus.  He told CNN, “You can file a suit  –  the way this country is leaning so far to the left, it wouldn’t surprise me.”  (For the record  –  I’d like to congratulate the Mayor on taking time out of his busy schedule to comment on this issue.  Lord knows it’s gotta be hard to take a break from reading Sarah Palin’s memoir.)  Lambeth added he’s proud of his news-breaking legal decision, saying people should be “glad somebody is finally taking a stand for public decency.”  Meanwhile, Rush Limbaugh is still on the air.

To be fair to Dean Lambeth, I do think some people should be punished for wearing this minimal pubic fabric.  If you’re in public rockin’ a thong when you have a Gladbag body, you deserve to pay a fine.  You NEED to pay a fine.  But if you actually have a thong body and decide to showcase it by only wearing this miniscule waistband, the Mayor has to pay you 25 bucks.  That’s justice, baby.

By Claude Stuart

©2010 Claude Stuart. All Rights Reserved.


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