Chelsea Handler SEX TAPE Report

Who stars in the latest celebrity sex tape?  Chelsea Handler, baby.  That’s right; reported and Chelsea herself confirmed that she stars in a graphic sex tape from 10 years ago.  Well, at least this time our star actually possesses talent.  (Chelsea is famous for being a comedienne, actress and author; while Paris Hilton is famous for….being famous, and Kim Kardashian is famous for having a big ass.)

How graphic is the tape?  Well, let’s just say too graphic to be called “Chelsea Handjob” but not graphic enough to be titled “Chelsea Rapely”.  The tape begins with our leading lady introducing herself while fully clothed in an apartment, and going into a stand-up routine.  The tape then suddenly cuts to Chelsea having sex doggy-style!  No joke; she’s completely naked on all fours, getting rammed like a helpless rodeo clown.  She looks directly into the camera on several occasions, and her naked breasts are swayin’ and swingin’ like the bridge in Indiana Jones & the Temple of Doom.

Directly after the sex ends, her partner asks in a clear, British accent:  “Did we get the fucking shot?”  Chelsea says nothing; she just looks into the camera and smiles.  (Which you gotta give her credit for, rather than opting to say an equally bad sexual pun like, “Right on the money!”)  Then the tape cuts back to Chelsea continuing her stand-up act in her apartment.

Chelsea addressed this on her show, saying she made it as a joke for comedy clubs and other industry contacts; in attempt to get their attention.  Well, Mission Accomplished, honey.

This is actually a brilliant marketing move.  Chelsea sent this tape out….and eventually started dating Ted Harbart, the CEO of Comcast Entertainment Group; who oversees E! Entertainment Television; the network that broadcasts “Chelsea Lately”!  (…That ate the cat who banged the rat that lived in the house that Chelsea built.)

Chelsea filmed herself doing the wild thing, sent it out to industry execs,  and got her own show.  That’s how you do it, kids.  And all this time I’ve been taping myself wacking off and mailing it to my favorite radio station.  No wonder I never hear my song.

But this mock porno has eventually made Chelsea Handler multi-media.  She’s a nationally renowned comedienne, columnist, actress, best-selling author and hostess of her own incredibly popular talk show.  I even saw Chelsea Handler in a bikini on the cover of Playboy and Shape magazines, I’m seriously impressed.  Not at how great she looks; I’m impressed she wasn’t holding any booze.  This woman admittedly drinks like Tara Reid bar-hopping on Fat Tuesday.

Honestly, no one should be shocked by this tape.  Chelsea’s 3 best-selling books are titled, “My Horizontal Life: A Collection of One-Night Stands”, “Are you there, Vodka? It’s Me, Chelsea” and “Chelsea Chelsea Bang Bang”.  The comedienne proudly declares she’s an alcoholic whore.  She’s probably had sex more times than she’s made fun of Chuy (or more times than she’s angrily scowled at the camera after telling a joke in effort to milk extra laughter from the audience); the odds that she taped one of those times is pretty damn high.

(FYI  –  I actually know Chelsea and have performed with her many times before she got famous.  I’ve always found her comedic abilities to be strong and unquestionable.  But her response to this soft porn prank is quite the opposite; keep reading….)

Ms. Handler’s reaction to this tape has been contradictory.  First Chelsea puts out a sex tape.  Next, she claims it’s a joke. Then she says it is a sex tape, but she wasn’t really having sex….and ultimately, she’s mad at for reporting this story.  Chelsea’s story changes more than the cast of “Law and Order”.  Little Known Fact: Chelsea was asked to join the cast of “Dancing with the Stars” during its sixth season but declined.  That’s a shame, ‘cause she’s been dancing around this sex tape story perfectly.  She’s making Ben Vereen look like a quadriplegic.

The bottom line is this:  Controversy produces publicity.  Chelsea Handler is an archetype example of this.  Her faux dirty video got people watching, and got people talking….and conclusively and irrevocably got the right people to create a talk show around her.  Don’t take Chelsea’s reaction to this sex vid too seriously; she’s doing what she does best: Stirring up trouble and making people laugh.  (And don’t take my commentary about Chelsea’s hypocritical reaction to the tape too seriously; I have to put SOME jokes in these blogs!)

My only problem with “Chelsea Lately” is she’s been using the same comedians on her show for a long time and refusing to welcome any new ones.  Handler addressed this, explaining “The worse the guests are, the more pathetic they are, the funnier the show is.”  Well, listen up, Chelsea…..I’m 38 years old and live in an apartment with my fiance’ and a roommate who parades around in his nut-hugging Whitey Tighties.  If “pathetic” equals “funny”, I will boost your ratings and earn you an Emmy.

By Claude Stuart

©2010 Claude Stuart. All Rights Reserved.

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