World’s Biggest Baby. NO, Not Kanye West.

When I first heard people mention the world’s biggest baby, I thought they were talking about Kanye West.

But no, the largest infant in the Universe is Miguelin; a baby that’s over 21 feet tall!  Miguelin is a creation of famous Spanish film director Isabel Coixet, who invented this artificial enormous toddler to be part of the Spanish Pavilion at the Shanghai World Expo 2010 – an international fair.

So if the entire purpose of Migeulin is to prove how much Spain and China care about their youth, why’s the baby white and completely American-looking?  Perhaps this is a metaphorical jab at our country and how we need to stop bitching about the imploded economy and simply pull ourselves up by our bootstraps, all the while merely trusting that things will most certainly work out because any other option is way too bleak to even comprehend?….Or maybe U.S. babies are just cheaper.  (Pretty soon, Spanish and Chinese citizens will be buying their national flags with tags that read “Made in America”.)

Seriously, this baby is so large and white, even Angelina and Madonna refused to adopt it.  “Too big and too white”…..Lord knows I’ve heard half of that sentence on several occasions.   Moving on!

Now the world’s largest baby isn’t just an unblinking prop.  Not only does Miguelin blink; he breaths, smiles at visitors and dreams of the cities we leave to our future generations. This is the theme of the entire Expo: “Better City, Better Life”.  Which is a slight change from Spain’s suggested theme, “Bigger Baby, Bitter Wife”.

Miguelin was invented to show “the passion that China and Spain have always shared for our children.”  I knew Spain had this zealous love for children, but China?  Really?  To its credit, China actually built two gigantic babies for this occasion: the male one does math homework and bows at visitors; and the female one drowns in a river.

It’s pretty amazing that Isabel Coixet was so inspired to display her care for offspring in China and Spain that she produced a 21-foot baby.  I haven’t seen anyone this excited about Asian youth since Woody Allen.

More than 190 countries are participating in this international event, and each one is equally excited.  Every nation will compete in playful Olympian-style games; and the losers have to change Miguelin’s diapers.

Spain and China aren’t the only countries who’ve crafted titanic toddlers.  The Aka pygmies of Central Africa have created a humongous baby as well.  It stands at a towering 4-foot-2.

By Claude Stuart

©2010 Claude Stuart. All Rights Reserved.


“Crappy Meals” Bum Out Fat Kids

Should Happy Meals be banned?  A group of lawmakers in California says “Hell, yeah!”  They claim the Happy Meal toys, often modeled after popular action film characters, give kids an unfair incentive to eat unhealthy meals; and they’re going to start fining McDonald’s at least $1,000 per location unless these kid meals are removed from the menu.  Many of the parents are livid about this, referring to the new menu as “Crappy Meals”.

Okay, we all know hormone-infested food, drug companies pushing chemicals and a recent economic meltdown have all contributed to American kids blowing up like mini-Michelin tires; and I’m the first to say that’s a huge problem (No pun intended with that adjective….great, my fiance just said “No pun accomplished, honey.”)

However, McDonald’s is part of a larger public dilemma that we’re facing, and nobody’s talking about it.  Allow me to propose a serious question:  Does anyone else think we need to change our Fast Food chain mascots ‘cause they’re too creepy?  Ronald McDonald is a freaky-looking clown hanging out on a children’s playground.  His best friend, “The Hamburglar”, is not only named after a FELONY; but also dressed in prison garb, a cape, a black sombrero, two immensely fake ears and an incredibly phallic tie.  (I don’t know what’s worse – that he looks like a rapist on peyote, or that his outfit is essentially a combination of 5 bad Halloween costumes.) The Burger King is the freakiest-looking mask I’ve seen since Michael Myers in the original HALLOWEEN.  (The 1979 classic one; not the piece of T-Rex dung remake.)  Even the Wendy’s girl looks like Carrot Top with pigtails.  (Before the steroids and Asian eyebrows; I’ll give her much-deserved props on that.)  Why do American fast food mascots look like pedophiles and freakshows?  “In and Out” sounds like a porno.  I’m surprised the mascot for Carls, Jr. isn’t some creepster named Carl in an icecream truck with no windows.  (Sidenote:  Fox News actually tried to get Carl’s, Jr. to hire Karl Rove to be its spokesperson, but to no avail.  Rove was quoted as saying “I’m not interested; not enough innocent people die from this product.  I mean, my name starts with a ‘K’.”)

So parents  –  let your kids eat Happy Meals and play with toys based on blockbuster flicks in moderation.  But for the love of everything benevolent….help me campaign fast food restaurants to change their mascots.  Let’s get spokespeople who are not only kid-friendly, but adult-friendly.  I don’t think any sane adult would voluntarily hang out with Ronald McDonald.  And let’s be honest  –  if you were walking down a dark street alone and saw the Burger King ambling toward you, you’d either run in the opposite direction or grab your mace.  So Mommas and Daddies….mail a letter, send an email, start a facebook page; let’s do whatever it takes to replace our molester fastfood mascots.  You know it’s a freaky industry when the most normal-looking person is Colonel Sanders.  Only two white men in history have pulled off a white suit  –  Travolta in Saturday Night Fever and Steve Martin.  (For my avid readers, make that Tom Wolfe and Mark Twain.)

By Claude Stuart

©2010 Claude Stuart. All Rights Reserved.