Lindsay Lohan Makes a Lovely Lovelace

Well, it’s official.  Lindsay Lohan will portray Deep Throat star Linda Lovelace in Inferno, an upcoming film about the 70s porn scene.  One of the producers of Inferno told The LA Times, “The director and I have gone back and forth imagining how awesome of a performance she could give is she was in the movie.”  This sentence was actually a misprint; he meant to say “The director and I have imagined how awesome of a performance she could give, going back and forth, to get the part in the movie.”  Go, Lindsay “Hohan”!

Lindsay’s contract stipulates she doesn’t wanna be paid in cash, but rather in white powder she calls “Splenda”.  I live in L.A., my friends; and the word @ all the Hollywood parties is that LL is snorting more sandy candy than Stevie Nicks in the late 80s.  (I don’t know what’s more ridiculous – me insinuating that I frequent Hollywood parties or me referring to Lindsay Lohan as “LL”.  (Certainly, a certain shirtless rapper/actor would stop licking his lips and cheesily mugging if he read that.)

And look, I’m an honest man:  Lindsay is a very good-looking woman with a sexy voice who translates extremely well to the bigscreen…..but gain some weight, Skelehor!  She looked so much better and healthier in Mean Girls; now Lindsay’s making Nicole Richie look like Delta Burke.

But the producers and director of Inferno think Lindsay will tackle her role perfectly, and not just because of the sexual necessities.  Linda Lovelace was a very emotionally abused person, and the bigwigs behind this film think Lohan can relate.  One of the producers said, “A lot of the times you’re loved, then you’re hated.  One week she’s the ‘it’ girl, and the next she’s the ‘what are you doing?’ girl.”  He makes a valid point; but after her “it” week…..I’ve only seen Lindsay as the “I’m dating a lesbian” girl, “the coked-up” girl and the “I like to get drunk in public with my Mom” girl.

I’m definitely gonna check out Inferno.  I hope Lindsay will nail the part of Linda Lovelace  –  and not just the “actress”, the person.  (I love when porn stars call themselves “actresses”; that’s like a bike cops calling themselves “ Navy Seals.”)  A better performance makes a better movie, and audiences will believe it.   We all know it’s not real porn unless the chick’s got disappointment in her eyes.

By Claude Stuart

©2010 Claude Stuart. All Rights Reserved.

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Porn for the Blind…It’s About Time

A pornographic magazine for the blind is out!  All my readers, I know what you’re thinking:  “Finally.”

It includes explicit text and raised nude pics  –  including “a naked woman in a disco pose”, a lady with “perfect breasts” and a “male robot”.  The name of this blind porn mag is “Tactile Minds”, which sounds much better than the original title – “Erectile Heads”.  Lisa Murphy, author of the book, says her targeted audience is actually “Ductile Minds”.

Murphy is expected to be quite successful with this publication.  Her only competition is a peverted fruit salesmen in Kentucky who charges blind people to touch honeydews, kiwis, bananas and the interiors of pumpkins.  When interviewed, he said, “It feels just like the real thing.  Hell, sometimes, I throw in a few saggy water balloons!”  One day the fruit truck didn’t show up; and let’s just say….his wife Bobbie Sue was very uncomfortable.  What a peach.

This picture in the mag is quite interesting.  Evidently, blind people love women with bulging biceps, a surgical mask and a missing hand.  (That or muscular, slightly handicapped nurses.)

When it comes to masturbation, the blind kids have a clear advantage.  Often parents love to threaten teenagers with this classic scare tactic:  “If you keep doing that, you’ll go blind!”  These kids are like, “Too late, Mom.”

I also think the sightless enjoy a benefit when they’re with a partner.  Come on, we’ve all been in the bedroom with someone who was beneath our normal standards….yet we still had to look at them at some point.  But if you can’t see, you don’t have that problem.  Depending on your preference, you’re with either Brad or Angelina every night!  Then again, if you’ve always been blind; you have no idea what Brad nor Angelina look like.  And you’re probably not reading this.

I think it’s awesome that blind folks can now enjoy porn like the rest of us.  The truth is, we’re really not that different.  Whether or not you can see,  it’s virtually impossible to have an orgasm with your eyes open.  So in that moment of climax, we’re ALL blind.

By Claude Stuart

©2010 Claude Stuart. All Rights Reserved.

Mexican Holiday Alert

Fears of violence – from both gangs and corrupt police – are keeping tourists away from Mexico.  The politicians are very concerned; last year tourism decreased due to the swine flu.  One spokesperson for the Mexican government stated, “These pigs are killing our economy….and so are the animals with the swine flu.”

20,000 people have been killed in the battle between cartels and Mexican security forces.  68 have died from the swine flu.  Clearly, the tourism industry’s problem is not a few sick sows.  Hey, if you wanna make an omelette; you gotta crack a few eggs….but maybe nix the bacon.

Violence increased in Mexico this year; 1,000 were killed in March.  But most of these people died because they were trampled in the streets fighting over chicklets.  The rest died due to a freak donkey show-related accident (side note; Donkey refused to be questioned.  What an ass!!!)

Many Mexican businessmen insist that the violence only occurs in certain parts of their country; and it never happens in beautiful tourist spots like the Mexican beaches, colonial-era churches and Mayan ruins.  said, “People really need to visit these sights.  According to the Mayan Calendar, they’re only gonna be around ‘til 2012.”

Sidenote II:  People often ask me if I’m worried about the world ending, due to the Mayan Calendar ending in 2012.  My answer?  Here’s the thing….um, I’M NOT MAYAN.  So it doesn’t really affect me whatsoever.  I’ve actually decided to live according to the calendar of my Jewish buddy, cuz technically we’re in the year 5000 and something…way past the Appocolyptical 2012 date.  Those people are smart….and optimistic.

Even though most American tourists are too scared to travel to Mexico, the chances of them getting killed by cartels or crooked cops are very low.  However, the chances of them getting robbed are extremely high.  But in all fairness; statistics show that most deaths in Mexico are attributed to heart attacks, drowning and falling off balconies.  So there should be nothing to worry about, my fellow travelers….as long as you don’t eat, swim or party on the top floor.

I’ll be honest (Like I always am in my blogs!), I’m supposed to go to my friend’s wedding in Mexico; and I am beyond scared.  Seriously, I’m shaking like Michael J. Fox and Mohammad Ali on a tightrope.  I don’t need to get accidentally caught in the middle of drug-related gunfire.  Then again, Coronas are only 10 cents….looks like it’s time to brush up on my Spanish.  Adios, amigos!

By Claude Stuart

© 2010 Claude Stuart. All Rights Reserved