Lindsay Lohan Makes a Lovely Lovelace

Well, it’s official.  Lindsay Lohan will portray Deep Throat star Linda Lovelace in Inferno, an upcoming film about the 70s porn scene.  One of the producers of Inferno told The LA Times, “The director and I have gone back and forth imagining how awesome of a performance she could give is she was in the movie.”  This sentence was actually a misprint; he meant to say “The director and I have imagined how awesome of a performance she could give, going back and forth, to get the part in the movie.”  Go, Lindsay “Hohan”!

Lindsay’s contract stipulates she doesn’t wanna be paid in cash, but rather in white powder she calls “Splenda”.  I live in L.A., my friends; and the word @ all the Hollywood parties is that LL is snorting more sandy candy than Stevie Nicks in the late 80s.  (I don’t know what’s more ridiculous – me insinuating that I frequent Hollywood parties or me referring to Lindsay Lohan as “LL”.  (Certainly, a certain shirtless rapper/actor would stop licking his lips and cheesily mugging if he read that.)

And look, I’m an honest man:  Lindsay is a very good-looking woman with a sexy voice who translates extremely well to the bigscreen…..but gain some weight, Skelehor!  She looked so much better and healthier in Mean Girls; now Lindsay’s making Nicole Richie look like Delta Burke.

But the producers and director of Inferno think Lindsay will tackle her role perfectly, and not just because of the sexual necessities.  Linda Lovelace was a very emotionally abused person, and the bigwigs behind this film think Lohan can relate.  One of the producers said, “A lot of the times you’re loved, then you’re hated.  One week she’s the ‘it’ girl, and the next she’s the ‘what are you doing?’ girl.”  He makes a valid point; but after her “it” week…..I’ve only seen Lindsay as the “I’m dating a lesbian” girl, “the coked-up” girl and the “I like to get drunk in public with my Mom” girl.

I’m definitely gonna check out Inferno.  I hope Lindsay will nail the part of Linda Lovelace  –  and not just the “actress”, the person.  (I love when porn stars call themselves “actresses”; that’s like a bike cops calling themselves “ Navy Seals.”)  A better performance makes a better movie, and audiences will believe it.   We all know it’s not real porn unless the chick’s got disappointment in her eyes.

By Claude Stuart

©2010 Claude Stuart. All Rights Reserved.

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