3D Porn Made Her Pregnant

Erick Johnson, a white U.S. military man, returned from Iraq to find that his white wife had given birth to a black baby. But according to her, his wife did not cheat; she got impregnated by watching a 3-D porno starring a black adult film star. (She took a pregnancy test and confirmed it.) What’s the only thing that could make this story more ridiculous? Her husband believes her!

A woman actually got her hubby to believe she was pregnant – not from an affair, but from merely viewing a smutflick. Talk about “immaculate deception”. She alleges she hadn’t had sex in months, but still took a pregnancy test. Hmm….

If chicks can get pregnant from watching porn, remind me to never watch Deliverance on Blue-Ray. I’ve never heard anything more absurd than this story; although my roomate took a date to Avatar and got blue balls.  (Ba-zing! Call me “butter”, ‘cause I am on a roll!)

I would never believe my wife if she said, “I got pregnant from watching a 3-D porno.” But I would totally believe her if she added, “It was a 3-D porn that I starred in.”

In defending his wife and himself, the husband said, “Damn right I believe her; I’m a Christian!”  He’s got a point; Christians believe that a virgin got pregnant by an invisible man who lives in the sky and has a nemesis in the form of a talking snake.

I think Erick Johnson should at least ask for a DNA test. But good luck getting the Maury Povich peeps to track down the true identity of Long Dong Silver and Arnold Schwarzenpecker. But Johnson does have a plan; he says he and his wife will be seeking child support from the porn producers.

So the child is black, but shouldn’t the child also be in 3-D?

With the current popularity of 3-D pics, there are concerns about them having dangerous effects on the viewers’ eyes….especially if they’re hit by a flying orgasm. (But seriously, the enormous size of those 3-D glasses should provide sufficient protection.)

Though I find Mrs. Johnson’s story to be hysterically outrageous, let me tell you why I don’t buy it: If it was a real porn, he would have pulled out; and we all know you can’t get pregnant from “the pull-out method”.  However, the “Just The Tip” method has quite the opposite effect. Just ask my parents.

By Claude Stuart

©2010 Claude Stuart. All Rights Reserved.

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New PLAYBOY Website is “Work-Safe”

Playboy just launched The Smoking Jacket, their brand new, nudity-free, “safe-for-work” website! That’s right; you read correctly, Playboy has a NUDITY-FREE WEBSITE. Playboy without nudity is like a Samuel L. Jackson flick without profanity; what’s the point? (“There are snakes on the motherforking plane!”)

In effort to make more money, Playboy has a website with hot chicks who aren’t naked….so basically, Playboy has become Maxim.com. It’s a glorified Facebook page!

The Smoking Jacket’s primary purpose is to “provide guys with smart and sexy distractions throughout the day” and give them entertainment while they’re at work. This is completely necessary, because there’s not enough distractions on computers already! Between social networking sites, pop-up ads and porn; I don’t see how any work ever gets done anymore. America runs on Duncan Donuts, then sits on its fat ass and plays solitaire.

Thank God there’s finally a website dedicated to sexy distractions; ‘cause the average man only has a sexual thought every 9 seconds. By the way, what is a “smart, sexy distraction”?  A bikini chick with a calculator? Here’s a better question: Do The Smoking Jacket employees get distracted by their site when they’re at work?

To be fair, men who have visited The Smoking Jacket stay for long periods of time.  Why? ‘Cause it takes longer to operate a keyboard with one hand.

Playboy has a reputation of having in-depth, thought-provoking interviews with politicians, writers and celebrities; but The Smoking Jacket is taking a less edified approach.  Featured articles in the first edition include “How to get laid at work,” “7 signs that you’ve given up on getting laid,” and “Americans totally dig STD-like sensations.”  Talk about going from “Jeopardy” to “Wheel of Fortune”.  These articles aren’t “smart distractions”; any cast member of “Jersey Shore” could come up with these titles….except maybe Snookie.

So what’s the real reason for Hugh Hefner’s new website? In a time where paper is dead and cyberspace is King, he didn’t really have a choice.  Financially….Playboy has suffered more losses than the Detroit Lions.  Playboy Enterprises had a $1 million loss during this year’s first quarter, which was better than it expected. Last year during the same quarter, the company reported a $13.7 million loss. You know your company’s in trouble when losing a million bucks is considered an “improvement”. The owners of rival Penthouse announced they want to buy out Playboy; and Hef has publicly contemplated buying outstanding shares and taking it private.  (In a related story, Larry Flint was available for comment; but reporters couldn’t understand what he was saying.)

The Smoking Jacket also features a short welcome video from Hefner.  It’s a short video because there was a lot of footage edited out  –  mostly Hef’s inability to memorize his lines or see the cue cards.

I can’t believe The World’s Greatest Pimp is going broke! Instead of silk pajamas, he’s gonna start wearing cotton jammies from Walmart.  My God, Hef is gonna make Djay from Hustle and Flow look like Iceberg Slim.

As much as I’ve just ridiculed The Smoking Jacket; I actually think this new site will pay off big for Mr. Hefner, despite it being a distraction in the workplace.  Men will always risk getting fired to look at hot chicks. But here’s the bigger picture: Unemployment benefits have just been extended to 99 weeks, so who cares if you get fired? That’s nearly 2 years of free money from Uncle Sam, as long as you don’t work. Oooh….a lot more time for Dunkin Donuts and solitaire!

By Claude Stuart

©2010 Claude Stuart. All Rights Reserved.

Unwell Mel

ALMOST everyone in America has heard the phone calls of Mel Gibson’s enraged, profanity-laced rants to ex-girlfriend Oksana Grigorieva, and EVERYONE’S talking about it.  But there’s some key elements they’re missing.  Let’s check ‘em out:

(By the way, how brilliant would it be if Mel and Oksana were actually in cahoots and these arguments were just a prank?)

First of all….I don’t know if Mel Gibson is clinically insane; but when he had these phone conversations, he was definitely insane.  He’s completely out of breath and literally sounds like Darth Vader biking the last mile of the Tour de France.  You don’t pant like a cocker spaniel in Phoenix on the 4th of July unless you’re an irrational nut job.

During his career-ending conversation, Mel actually screamed “You need a fucking bat in the side of the head!  You need a fucking doctor!”  What?  Like they’re the same thing.  If these two sentences are synonymous in Mel’s deranged world, he would make the worst doctor ever.  He’d make Patch Adams look like Anthony Edwards in “ER”.  Then – after repeatedly calling her the “B” and “C” words – Mel has the audacity to shriek, “Don’t you dare hang up on me!”  No problem, Mel; please keep abusing me….

Next Mel yells, “Just get the fuck away from me!”  Uh…dude, she’s on the phone, miles away from you; and YOU’RE the one who insists on continuing the conversation.  Mel then threatens, “I’ll call the police, and tell ‘em you’re in my house!”  Okay, Mel….it IS her house; you just paid for it.

THE WORST THING GIBSON SAYS…..While complaining that Oksana dresses too provocatively, Mel said “If you get raped by a pack of n****rs, it’ll be your fault”.  Wow.  Here’s the problem: Not only did he drop the N-Bomb, but Mel referred to black people like hunters refer to wild wolves. (“Wild Wolves”? As opposed to those tame, docile wolves we all know and love?) Instead of saying “a bunch”, Gibson opted for “a pack”; implying they are bloodthirsty, terrifying animals. Well, I think being chased by a group of black people is not half as scary as being chased by a pack of Mel Gibsons.

This is THE MOST ILLOGICAL statement Gibson utters during the phonecalls:  “I’m going to burn the house down, but you will blow me first.”  O-M-G.  What woman hears this and says, “That’s my fantasy!  I’ve always wanted to suck off a psycho right before he burns me to death!”  Is that Mel’s ultimate tactic of seduction?  To demand a blowjob in exchange for homocide and arson?

After hearing these rants, Alec Baldwin said “Unbelievable! And people freaked out ‘cause I called my daughter a ‘piggy’!”

Mel has 7 kids with his first wife and then had a kid with Oksana right before they split; this guy populates more than a fruitfly.  He’s a walking semen.  Mel has so many kids, even Mexicans are saying, “Wear a condom, fool!”

Oksana Grigorieva claims Gibson physically abused her while she was holding their baby daughter.  Since this allegation, Oksana has received thousands of supportive emails and letters from friends, fans and family members.  In a related story, Chris Brown sent Mel a text that read, “Way to Keep Yo Bitch in Line”.

Timothy Dalton, Oksana’s ex-husband, is seeking a restraining order against Gibson to keep him away from his son.  This is nothing new to the Welsh actor; 15 years ago Dalton got a restraining order against his career.

Talk about a shooting star!  Gibson went from being People’s magazine “Sexiest Man Alive” and Hollywood’s most popular leading man…..to the world’s most hated actor.  Mel won an award for directing 1995‘s Braveheart, which also won Best Picture that year.  For 25 years running, he could have landed any movie role he desired; now Mel Gibson couldn’t even get an extra role on a film entitled The Life of Mel Gibson.  Directly after these rants were made public, Gibson’s agents dropped him quicker than Perez Hilton dropping a copy of Hustler.

So now Mel has publicly made insulting and hateful comments toward African-Americans, Mexicans, Jews, gays, and women…..I could at least respect him if he had just said “I hate people”.  When asked if there’s a group of people Mel didn’t detest, he replied “I like the Pollocks. They make great hookers.”

In Mel’s phone tirade, he made completely unrelated mysogynist and racist remarks (about black and Mexican people)….but his ex-girlfriend is Russian. If he really wanted to hurt her, why was there not one Russian slur? (Okay, to be fair; there was plenty of slurring ocurring; but it was all scotch-induced.) Yet not one “Commie Whore” was uttered.

The truth is, I’ve always been a big fan of Mel Gibson’s acting.  This unnecessarily malicious behavior is beyond disappointing to me. The notorious celeb has proven that he is a dark and twisted vehicle that runs on sheer anger and hatred. Trust me – Mel wants to kill Oksana, but he knows he’ll never get away with it.  It’s not like he’s an ex-NFL player.

And Gibson also knows if he ever goes to jail, he will inevitably get raped by a “pack” of gay men – all black, latino and Jewish.  And ironically, none of them will wear a condom.

By Claude Stuart

©2010 Claude Stuart. All Rights Reserved.

Saggy Pants: Crackdown on Indecency?? CRACK…Down

Are saggy pants now banned in New York City?  Well, not officially; but it just may happen soon.  Check this out:  New York Senator Eric Adams saw a young “man” wearing saggy and revealing pants on a subway and reached his boiling point. Adams immediately rented two billboards that simply said “STOP THE SAG!”.

Sagger /Swagger?

A few national organizations are offended by this potential ban, most namely the Screen Actors Guild.  Their spokesperson said, “You think we’re tough to stop now? Wait ‘til we merge with AFTRA, bitch!”

In describing the shady-looking gentleman who inspired his hopeful law, Edwards said, “His behind was showing.” Really, Eric? “Behind”? Come on; you’re a grownass man. And grownass men can say “ass”.

Prior to Senator Adams, many politicians and law enforcement agencies have attempted to outlaw the sag-jean look, going so far as to call the trend “indecent exposure”. What’s Adam’s next ban? Kirtsie Alley’s haltertop.

Some punishments of the too-low jeans include jail time. Well, first of all….this is great news for inmates. Talk about easy access; baggy jeans are foreplay in prison!  Secondly, this would be the only time I’d feel sorry for dudes wearing this stupid-looking fad. ‘Cause conversations would go like this:

Prisoner #1: “Yo, I’m in here for homicide!”

Prisoner #2: “So? I’m in here for double homicide!”

Prisoner #3: “Whatever, I’m in here for wearing these saggy-ass jeans!”

Prisoner #1: “Oh, you’s my bitch now. Come here!”

(At this point Prisoner #2 has no other lines ‘cause he’s hyperventilating while removing Prisoner #3’s pants.)

Let’s be honest:  If you see a guy sportin’ a pair of single back pocket Sean Johns with the back pocket hangin’ to his kneecap….he’s not running for office. Throwing this dude in the slammer is not gonna prevent a cancer cure or save the economy.  The only things saggy jeans can save are belts and paper clips.

Adams also says, “The first indicator that your child is having problems is the dress code.”  Many Catholic altar boys responded to this statement by saying either “Thank you!” and “Tell me about it.”

Adams has a commercial currently running where he tells the camera, “You can raise your level of respect if you raise your pants.” I agree with the Senator.  Honestly, dudes walking around with their pants sagging lower than Linda Hogan’s bikini look like complete IDIOTS.  Be a man, buy a belt and cover your ass.  Some say “Pull yourself up by your boot straps”; I say “Pull yourself up by pulling your pants up.”  These baggy jean freaks look like oversized toddlers with diapers that need to be changed immediately.  And before anyone starts typing their little “Claude Stuart’s blog is racist” response, do your research. Eric Adams is black. For reals.

By Claude Stuart

©2010 Claude Stuart. All Rights Reserved.