New PLAYBOY Website is “Work-Safe”

Playboy just launched The Smoking Jacket, their brand new, nudity-free, “safe-for-work” website! That’s right; you read correctly, Playboy has a NUDITY-FREE WEBSITE. Playboy without nudity is like a Samuel L. Jackson flick without profanity; what’s the point? (“There are snakes on the motherforking plane!”)

In effort to make more money, Playboy has a website with hot chicks who aren’t naked….so basically, Playboy has become Maxim.com. It’s a glorified Facebook page!

The Smoking Jacket’s primary purpose is to “provide guys with smart and sexy distractions throughout the day” and give them entertainment while they’re at work. This is completely necessary, because there’s not enough distractions on computers already! Between social networking sites, pop-up ads and porn; I don’t see how any work ever gets done anymore. America runs on Duncan Donuts, then sits on its fat ass and plays solitaire.

Thank God there’s finally a website dedicated to sexy distractions; ‘cause the average man only has a sexual thought every 9 seconds. By the way, what is a “smart, sexy distraction”?  A bikini chick with a calculator? Here’s a better question: Do The Smoking Jacket employees get distracted by their site when they’re at work?

To be fair, men who have visited The Smoking Jacket stay for long periods of time.  Why? ‘Cause it takes longer to operate a keyboard with one hand.

Playboy has a reputation of having in-depth, thought-provoking interviews with politicians, writers and celebrities; but The Smoking Jacket is taking a less edified approach.  Featured articles in the first edition include “How to get laid at work,” “7 signs that you’ve given up on getting laid,” and “Americans totally dig STD-like sensations.”  Talk about going from “Jeopardy” to “Wheel of Fortune”.  These articles aren’t “smart distractions”; any cast member of “Jersey Shore” could come up with these titles….except maybe Snookie.

So what’s the real reason for Hugh Hefner’s new website? In a time where paper is dead and cyberspace is King, he didn’t really have a choice.  Financially….Playboy has suffered more losses than the Detroit Lions.  Playboy Enterprises had a $1 million loss during this year’s first quarter, which was better than it expected. Last year during the same quarter, the company reported a $13.7 million loss. You know your company’s in trouble when losing a million bucks is considered an “improvement”. The owners of rival Penthouse announced they want to buy out Playboy; and Hef has publicly contemplated buying outstanding shares and taking it private.  (In a related story, Larry Flint was available for comment; but reporters couldn’t understand what he was saying.)

The Smoking Jacket also features a short welcome video from Hefner.  It’s a short video because there was a lot of footage edited out  –  mostly Hef’s inability to memorize his lines or see the cue cards.

I can’t believe The World’s Greatest Pimp is going broke! Instead of silk pajamas, he’s gonna start wearing cotton jammies from Walmart.  My God, Hef is gonna make Djay from Hustle and Flow look like Iceberg Slim.

As much as I’ve just ridiculed The Smoking Jacket; I actually think this new site will pay off big for Mr. Hefner, despite it being a distraction in the workplace.  Men will always risk getting fired to look at hot chicks. But here’s the bigger picture: Unemployment benefits have just been extended to 99 weeks, so who cares if you get fired? That’s nearly 2 years of free money from Uncle Sam, as long as you don’t work. Oooh….a lot more time for Dunkin Donuts and solitaire!

By Claude Stuart

©2010 Claude Stuart. All Rights Reserved.

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