CLAUDE STUART: Pix From My Wedding

A couple pix from our wedding weekend. My wife (I’m getting used to saying that now), the lovely Heather Stuart and I. We were married in Cambria, California. Which is where Hearst Castle is. A beautiful place.

Sorry about the guys ear in the front. If you peek in between, there we are. Thanks to all the friends and fans who have sent such wonderful wedding wishes.

For my next number you will soon be seeing my new book, I won’t reveal the title yet but it is about being a FORMER player.

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I DID IT!! Finally Tying the Knot!

I know you never thought you’d see the day, but the rumors are true. By this time tomorrow I shall be a married man. I’ll post some real pix from the wedding next week. Thanks all for all the wonderful good wishes.

JUSTIN BIEBER: Spoof “Somebody To Love,” The Claude Stuart Way

Fergie: Royal Intros FOR SALE

So Sarah Ferguson – writer, producer, TV personality, former Weight Watchers spokesperson and ex-member of the British Royal Family – was caught on tape offering to sell a disguised reporter private access to ex-husband Prince Andrew for 500,000 pounds!

Ferguson claims when she made the incriminating deal on videotape, she was “not in the right place”. Well, no shit; the right place would have been ANYWHERE BUT starring in a videotaped sting operation.

Fergie said when she made a deal to sell access to Prince Andrew, she was drinking too much.  Prince Andrew told the press, “That’s okay. When I proposed to her, I was drinking too much.”  It appears that large quantities of alcohol were involved, because Fergie began her proposition with “I can open any door you want….” and ended it with “especially if it’s attached to a liquor cabinet.”

That’s literally Fergie’s excuse; she told tabloids the reason she tried to sell her ex-husband out for half a million pounds is because she was drunk…..and by “drunk”, I mean “broke”.  You know our economy’s in the crapper and affecting other countries when The Duchess is broke.  Fergie’s so broke; she was offered loans by Wesley Snipes, Mike Tyson and MC Hammer.

When Sarah Ferguson ballooned up to 220 pounds, the British tabloids called her “The Duchess of Pork”.  Coincidentally enough, Vivid Entertainment offered her to star in an adult film with the exact same title.

Here’s something ironic: She’s no longer in the Royal Family, but she does get to keep the title, “The Duchess of York”.  But she’s not royalty; so why hold onto the name?  I know a homeless guy who lives in a shopping cart behind a 7-11 and insists on being called “King Louie”; and everybody knows this guy is not a crowned monarch.  “Yo, call me ‘King Louie’!”  Alright, King Louie; you need to jump back in your Royal Dumpster.

Sarah shares a nickname with the popular female singer of The Black Eyed Peas, Stacy Ann Ferguson; a.k.a. “Fergie”, a.k.a. “The Dutchess”.  Yes, that’s how the singer spells it, with an additional, unnecessary “T”.  Sarah told her “I lost 60 pounds, but you can’t lose the ‘T’?”  Fergie replied, “I got enough money to buy my own alphabet; you can’t even afford a cup of tea, bitch.”  (By the way, why does the only white person in The Black Eyed Peas sound the blackest?)

Fergie went undercover to expose Turkish orphanages.  Okay….how the hell is that possible?  How does a 5-foot-8, redhead, British chick with skin paler than Conan O’Brien’s ass go “in cognito” in Turkey; a country where all the women are   barely 5 feet tall, black-eyed, black-haired and swarthy?  But she secretly shot the documentary; the Turkish government didn’t even know until the film was released!  I give her credit for pulling off Operation In Cognito.  (It’s rumored that the Turkish security guards thought she was Sean White with boobs….and no snowboard.)

As for the Weightwatchers gig?  Well, this product found another redhead that’s used it to effectively lose weight: Sara Rue.  While she may not be as famous nor as infamous  –  at least she control her drinking, bribing and expose’ documentaries.

But hey – I’ve done my research on The Duchess of York, and I forgive her.  Not because she apologized for her mistakes; not for the many charities she helps raise tons of money for (which include charities aiming to cure AIDS and cancer; and help children who are impoverished and have mental disabilities); don’t get me wrong, these are noble gestures.  But as a true American, I forgive Sarah Ferguson simply because that British accent is so damn charming.

Plus, according to Wikipedia….in ’06, when The Dutchess album was released, Sarah called Fergie the singer and said “Fergie, it’s Fergie. Now that you’ve done this, you have to sing at my foundation, ‘Children in Crisis’.”  Fergie agreed and committed to two charity concerts, in London AND New York.  Now THAT’S the power of the British Royal Family.  Not even The Queen can pull that off.

By Claude Stuart

©2010 Claude Stuart. All Rights Reserved.


It’s a Knish; It’s a Potato Latke; It’s Chopped Liver. NO WAIT, It’s The Kosher Crusader Jewish Super Hero

KOSHER CRUSADER

A Jewish Superhero is about as rare as a heterosexual male flight attendant. Well, Al Weisner hopes to change that. This retired hairdresser from Philadelphia has singlehandedly created and drawn a comic book staring a “Kosher Crusader” for the last 12 years.

Weisner was inspired to produce this Hebrew Hero when he discovered no others existed, even though some of his favorite comic book characters were created by Jews. Every Comic-Con regular knows Segal and Shuster invented Superman, but check this out: Stan Lee (For anyone out there who’s not aware that all current movies are “Talkies”, he created Spiderman) changed his name from Stan Lieber; and Batman creator Robert Kahn changed his name to Bob Kane. (Not to be confused with Bob Crane, the “Hogan’s Heroes” star who turned out to be such a nymphomaniac that a feature film – Autofocus – was dedicated to his lifestyle. That guy had more lovers than Vincent Chase.)

But there’s many rumors that The Thing, one-quarter of The Fantastic Four, is Jewish. Weisner strongly disagrees, arguing “Other than saying he’s Jewish, he doesn’t do anything that is actually Jewish.” Well, that sounds like every comedian I’ve met in L.A. The only time my Jewish comedian friends make religious statements is when they say quips like, “My body’s a temple, so I get as many people to kneel in front of it as possible.”

So what powers does this Kosher Crusader have? Is he the only superhero whose day job is at a talent agency? Is he the only superhero who saves people then complains about his back hurting? Does he catch criminals who’ve just robbed a bank and keep 10% of what they stole?

The Yiddish champion’s name is Shaloman; and his powers include superstrength, impenetrability and X-ray vision. Does Shaloman have a weakness? He must; every truly great Superhero has a weakness: Superman has kryptonite, the Green Lantern has the color Yellow; Daredevil has loud noises….and Ben Affleck portraying him. Okay, to be fair – that’s not a flaw; it’s a tragedy.

But Shaloman – who was created out of rock by 3 wisemen – actually does have a weakness. Weisner explains, “When he was created out of the rock, bits and pieces flew all over the world. If he gets too close, it temporarily saps his strength.” Wow, way to create some unpredictable drama, Al! And to up the ante….Shaloman loses his X-Ray vision when he’s around 14-karot gold. Good luck catching the Persians.

You know what I love about the birth of Shaloman? He can use it as a comeback in any debate! If some smartass says, “Were you born under a rock?”; he can respond, “Actually, yes.” (Sidenote: Do you think if Jesus ever walked into a building and didn’t close the door, somebody said, “Were you born in a barn?”)

I wonder what Shaloman’s Super Hero costume is? Whatever it may be, his outfit can’t possibly be worse than Billy Zane’s ridiculous, purple ensemble in The Phantom. (On Zane’s resume, that film’s listed as The Paycheck.)

So we finally have a Superhero who, in the words of the creator, is “an observant Jewish person”. Well, with X-Ray vision; I hope he’s observant! I love that Jews say they observe Holidays. I grew up Episcopalian (Catholic Lite); we never used this to our advantage. But we should start! Imagine calling your boss, “I can’t make it in today. I’m still observing the blood of Christ. Don’t punish me, unless you wanna go to hell.”

In keeping true to his religion, Weisner’s comic books have no physical contact between men and women; because that’s not allowed in Hasidic Orthodox Judaism. The author explains, “(Shaloman) could save a woman if he needed to, but then he steps back. He doesn’t need a hug or a kiss.” No sex in the Shaloman comic books? Hmm….I think I just lost my interest in this character. Please, if I wanna view a boring, sex-less story; I’ll read the lyrics to a Justin Bieber song.

There’s a cue that Shaloman immediately responds to. Whenever someone says, ”Oy vey!”, he comes to the rescue. Catholics are in trouble; because in a crisis, they tend to scream, “Fuck me!”….which doesn’t bode well for the altar boys.

By Claude Stuart

©2010 Claude Stuart. All Rights Reserved.

Blow To Go Anyone? Drug Dealing Chef Jailed

Fred Wills, Jr. – chef/owner of popular Virginia Beach restaurant “Big Daddy’s: A Touch of the South” – has been charged with running an illegal drug ring in four different states. That’s right, folks; a cook nicknamed “Big Daddy” has been operating a $9 million marijuana, cocaine and crack ring for years in Virginia, North Carolina, Florida and Texas. I am absolutely appalled….that he’s only made $9 million! Come on!

In defending himself, Wills, Jr. said, “The law should look on the bright side: Okay, many of my employees were on cocaine; but they were productive as hell! The ones who just smoked pot, I fired.” I give Mr. Wills, Jr. credit: He never hired crackheads; he only sold them crack. Verbal self-defense is not Big Daddy’s strength; in explaining why he sold drugs, he told authorities, “The customer is always right!”

Wills and his cronies gave customers styrofoam containers of cocaine; and one kilogram cost $23,000. Imagine picking up the wrong “to-go” order in this situation. What would you do? In a celebrity survey, Kirtsie Alley replied, “If a restaurant gave me drugs instead of food –  I’d demand free food, then sue them for UNLIMITED free food!”  And Lindsay Lohan’s answer? “I’d shut up and take the drugs! Are you kiddin’ me? Talk about winning the lottery!” Upon hearing this, Artie Lange admitted, “I’m totally torn. They both have a point.”

Police became slightly suspicious of Big Daddy’s when take-out orders cost $23,000 and regulars said, “Do you have change for $50-grand? Man, this ‘Coke’ is expensive!”

The cops were trailing Wills, Jr. for the last 8 years. The kingpin left other clues:  Big Daddy’s used ad slogans like, “We have a wide variety of your guiltiest pleasures”, “Your order is our secret”, and “We have the best illegal drugs in The South”.

Big Daddy’s: A Touch of the South is now experiencing competition with similar-themed restaurants, most noticeably “Drunk Uncle’s”, “Mooching Stepson” and “Fatass Mother-in-Law’s”.

The government wants to take away over $9 million of his assets because it’s “drug money”. So what about all the charity work he did? Do the homeless people he fed for free on holidays have to work off their meals? That’s all you need – Cross-Eyed Larry as your waiter, greeting you by shouting “Gimme back my shopping cart, mothafucka!” (Then again, he’d probably be happy if you only tipped him a buck….)

How does a dishwasher who quickly works his way up to head chef and multiple restaurant owner suddenly turn to crime? Well, google “Fred Wills, Jr.”; you’ll see he has quite the rap sheet. He admits he spent most of his youth in prison – the last stint was 16 years for armed robbery; this guy’s done more time than Nelson Mandela. (Only Big Daddy actually deserved it.) Well, you can take the convict out of the joint, but ya can’t take the joint out of the convict. According to authorities, they found more weed in Wills’ hairnet than the parking lot of a Dead show.

Big Daddy admits he used to be homeless; that’s why he tries to give back to the community. (I’m assuming “give back” applies to only free meals, not free drug addiction.) And after the government takes over $9 mil of his assets, he’ll be homeless again. He’ll be just like Steve Martin in The Jerk, but actually black.

I think this drug-dealing chef story could easily be made into a movie. The federal indictment was 26 pages. That’s longer than an episode of “Two and Half Men”. And funnier.

By Claude Stuart

©2010 Claude Stuart. All Rights Reserved.

Butt Implant Debacle

WOMAN DIES FROM DEADLY SILICONE BUTT INJECTIONS

Plastic surgery is always risky, but can you really die from silicone butt implants? Absolutely. That’s exactly what happened to Mayra Lissette Contreras. What caused respiratory problems in this poor woman? The silicone injections turned into plastic in her body.  When singer/actress Cher heard this story, she responded; “That’s weird; my body’s 80% plastic; and I’m perfectly healthy.”

I’m shocked; most women die from trying to make their asses SMALLER! But it’s not Contreras’s fault; the only mistake she made was choosing the wrong “doctors”. The women responsible for her terminal implants are two sisters who’ve been posing as cosmetic surgeons (in Slymar, CA), and now they’re on the run from the law!

{FACT: When silicone is used for breast implants, it’s medical grade and placed in the body in a capsule. However, “underground” cosmetic surgeons inject large amounts of industrial silicones. What’s wrong with this? Well, it may only cause heavy scarring, breathing problems and….oh, yeah – DEATH. These pseudo-surgeons are literally eliminating the middle man.}

The 2 sisters – Guadalupe and Alejandra Viveros – have already been arrested for practicing medicine without a license prior to Contreras’ death. Since they never showed up for their court date, they’ve been more absent than a decent joke in an episode of “According to Jim”. Judging by her photo, I believe Alejandra has undergone plastic surgery, ‘cause her lips make Angelina’s look like an infant’s.

The sisters-in-crime advertised by passing out business cards in parking lots. The ad said, “Obtain a nice, firm buttocks.”  Okay, if you can’t utilize correct grammar in your own advertisement, you probably can’t perform a proper procedure. And let’s say – for argument’s sake – these chicks were targeting a Latino demographic whose speaks English as a 3rd language. Well, how the hell do most Mexicans afford plastic surgery? The dudes who hang out in front of Home Depot can’t even afford plastic sliver ware. Coincidentally enough, police think the “Sisters Viveros” have fled to Mexico. Seriamente.

If a doctor makes a living by giving people fake body parts, it doesn’t surprise me that they have a fake license. So in attempt to help all my friends and fans, I’ve comprised a quick list of danger signs if you ever encounter this situation. So please read, learn; and above all….enjoy.

TOP 10 SIGNS YOUR PLASTIC SURGEON IS OPERATING ILLEGALLY:

10) If their office is a studio apartment, and the waiting room is a flower bed.

9) If their silicone injections look like Tupperware.

8) If they only accept cash, but prefer pesos.

7) If their assistant is Lindsay Lohan.

6) If the patient before you walks in the doctors’ office looking somewhat normal and walks out looking like The Cryptkeeper.

5) You ask for painkillers, and they hand you a bottle of Jose Cuervo.

4) If their previous clients include The Joker from Batman and The Jigsaw Mask from the Saw movies. (By the way – why do the weird red-and-white cheeks of The Jigsaw Saw Mask look just like the Target symbol?)

3) If a patient in the waiting room has absurdly large amount of injections in only one buttock, causing one cheek to look like J-Lo’s and the other to look like a pre-teen Chinese gymnast.

2) When asked to show proof of his credentials, the doctor just says “I’m really good at the board game ‘Operation’.”

1) During your consultation for lip injections, they say “I just wanna warn you: After the operation, when someone kisses you, they’re actually kissing Star Jones’ ass.”

By Claude Stuart

©2010 Claude Stuart. All Rights Reserved.