Fergie: Royal Intros FOR SALE

So Sarah Ferguson – writer, producer, TV personality, former Weight Watchers spokesperson and ex-member of the British Royal Family – was caught on tape offering to sell a disguised reporter private access to ex-husband Prince Andrew for 500,000 pounds!

Ferguson claims when she made the incriminating deal on videotape, she was “not in the right place”. Well, no shit; the right place would have been ANYWHERE BUT starring in a videotaped sting operation.

Fergie said when she made a deal to sell access to Prince Andrew, she was drinking too much.  Prince Andrew told the press, “That’s okay. When I proposed to her, I was drinking too much.”  It appears that large quantities of alcohol were involved, because Fergie began her proposition with “I can open any door you want….” and ended it with “especially if it’s attached to a liquor cabinet.”

That’s literally Fergie’s excuse; she told tabloids the reason she tried to sell her ex-husband out for half a million pounds is because she was drunk…..and by “drunk”, I mean “broke”.  You know our economy’s in the crapper and affecting other countries when The Duchess is broke.  Fergie’s so broke; she was offered loans by Wesley Snipes, Mike Tyson and MC Hammer.

When Sarah Ferguson ballooned up to 220 pounds, the British tabloids called her “The Duchess of Pork”.  Coincidentally enough, Vivid Entertainment offered her to star in an adult film with the exact same title.

Here’s something ironic: She’s no longer in the Royal Family, but she does get to keep the title, “The Duchess of York”.  But she’s not royalty; so why hold onto the name?  I know a homeless guy who lives in a shopping cart behind a 7-11 and insists on being called “King Louie”; and everybody knows this guy is not a crowned monarch.  “Yo, call me ‘King Louie’!”  Alright, King Louie; you need to jump back in your Royal Dumpster.

Sarah shares a nickname with the popular female singer of The Black Eyed Peas, Stacy Ann Ferguson; a.k.a. “Fergie”, a.k.a. “The Dutchess”.  Yes, that’s how the singer spells it, with an additional, unnecessary “T”.  Sarah told her “I lost 60 pounds, but you can’t lose the ‘T’?”  Fergie replied, “I got enough money to buy my own alphabet; you can’t even afford a cup of tea, bitch.”  (By the way, why does the only white person in The Black Eyed Peas sound the blackest?)

Fergie went undercover to expose Turkish orphanages.  Okay….how the hell is that possible?  How does a 5-foot-8, redhead, British chick with skin paler than Conan O’Brien’s ass go “in cognito” in Turkey; a country where all the women are   barely 5 feet tall, black-eyed, black-haired and swarthy?  But she secretly shot the documentary; the Turkish government didn’t even know until the film was released!  I give her credit for pulling off Operation In Cognito.  (It’s rumored that the Turkish security guards thought she was Sean White with boobs….and no snowboard.)

As for the Weightwatchers gig?  Well, this product found another redhead that’s used it to effectively lose weight: Sara Rue.  While she may not be as famous nor as infamous  –  at least she control her drinking, bribing and expose’ documentaries.

But hey – I’ve done my research on The Duchess of York, and I forgive her.  Not because she apologized for her mistakes; not for the many charities she helps raise tons of money for (which include charities aiming to cure AIDS and cancer; and help children who are impoverished and have mental disabilities); don’t get me wrong, these are noble gestures.  But as a true American, I forgive Sarah Ferguson simply because that British accent is so damn charming.

Plus, according to Wikipedia….in ’06, when The Dutchess album was released, Sarah called Fergie the singer and said “Fergie, it’s Fergie. Now that you’ve done this, you have to sing at my foundation, ‘Children in Crisis’.”  Fergie agreed and committed to two charity concerts, in London AND New York.  Now THAT’S the power of the British Royal Family.  Not even The Queen can pull that off.

By Claude Stuart

©2010 Claude Stuart. All Rights Reserved.


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2 Comments

  1. Hey, Claude? Is it okay if I call your comedy meanderings brilliant? Oh,and Merry Christmas to you and the new Mrs. Hope THAT’S going well.

    • Hellooooo, now I’m subscribed he he. Hope you’re enjoying your new status….


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