The new controversial TSA full-body scan has got people nervous; just imagining it makes me shake like Joe Cocker after a triple expresso. But last week, a woman at LAX airport decided to avoid the dreaded pat-down by wearing nothing more than a bikini through security.

First of all, the woman is quite attractive; so I believe all the security employees did not object to her scantily clad apparel. How do I know that?  Easy. ‘Cause anyone who works airport security is either a straight man or a lesbian. The only drawback to her plan is the employees could always invent excuses to pat her down anyway. (“Miss, I’m gonna have to check your crotch for explosives.”)

A reporter interviewing the lovely lady confirmed with her that the reason she’s rocking a brief two-piece is because “You wanna show ‘em you don’t have anything.” I beg to differ, baby. Looks like she’s got plenty to me. I saw a flat tummy, hot thighs and a C cup.

I think bikinis are a great idea at the airport, with one stipulation: If you’re gonna wear a bikini, you must have an appealing “bikini body”. If you’re shaped like Jabba the Hut, for the love of God wear at least 3 layers and risk getting groped. Honestly, if you have a grossly obese figure – security will probably avoid touching it. Being unhealthy has its benefits, fatties.

As a final thought to wearing her bikini, the young woman told her interviewer, “They’re welcome to pat down wherever they think a potential place for hiding things is.” Part of me agrees with her method of madness; I say, “That’s right! What could someone possibly hide in a bikini?” And part of me thinks this chick just really needs some foreplay.

I just hope dudes don’t start wearing speedos through security. I’d never do that….unless I popped a Viagra first.


Everyone has had their “better half” stolen; but imagine getting your boyfriend or girlfriend snatched away by the world’s biggest pop star. That’s what happened to Alex Stebbins.

Who took her man? Lady Gaga.

For an entire year Ms. Stebbins was dating Luc Carl, a 29-year-old bartender/drummer whose previous girlfriend was Lady Gaga. Suddenly the megastar suddenly begged him to take her back, and he couldn’t say no. Apparently, he doesn’t like bartending.

LG always takes it a step further. Most women wear rollers in their hair; she wears soda cans. Most women use bubbles to make a bath; she uses bubbles to make a dress. Gwen Stefani rips off Madonna; Christina Aguilera rips off Brittany Spears; Gaga rips off all four of these ladies.

Stebbins feels that it’s futile to compete with the pop icon. She said, “I knew I wasn’t going toe to toe with Lady Gaga, because that’s like fighting Jesus.” I interviewed Mr. Christ; and he replied, “That’s actually not true because I would never steal anything; and when it comes to fighting, I always turn the other cheek.” Amen. (Vanity may be one of the 7 deadly sins, but it’s not one of the 10 commandments.)

How did Carl break the news to Alex that he’s leaving her for Gaga? Right after taking Alex to Vegas for her birthday; he confessed LG showed up at his place…..and he agreed to be exclusive with her again. The next thing Alex knew, she was watching the Mets’ game on TV when she saw Luc sitting with the icon in a luxury box – and Gaga had a profanity-laced, bird-flipping, clothes-removing meltdown on the paparazzi. One of the photographers asked her, “Lady Gaga, why are you so mad? You wrote a song about us!”

Alex said she was surprised her dude went back to Ms. Gaga, because the singer relentlessly picked on him and “all they did was fight”. But if couples who argue more than Michael Douglas and Kathleen Turner in War of the Roses stay together, it’s because the sex is astronomically mind-blowing. Bad Romances ain’t all that bad.

It’s nice to see a dude actually going for the less attractive woman for a change. My gender gets incessantly ridiculed for being too shallow and overly visual; but looks are clearly not the most important thing to ‘ole Carl. Alex is way hotter!

Yes, Mr. Carl went with his heart….and by “heart”, I mean “financial needs”.

There’s no disputing LG is in incredible shape….but sometimes she looks like Marilyn Mason and Dee Snider from Twisted Sister in a bubbledress.

Don’t feel too bad for Alex Stebbins. She’s a hot, young actress who’ll be living with Charlie Sheen in 2 months; calling the cops on him in 3 months; and getting a fat check from him right after that.

What’s next for Lady Gaga? She has a new perfume coming out. I’m guessing it smells like greed and androgyny.


A guy in Philadelphia actually called 911 because he ran out of alcohol and needed a ride to the liquor store. This jackoff was so drunk, he probably called 411 to get 911’s number.

Nick Nolte said, “There’s nothing wrong with that. The guy had called 911 ‘cause he had an emergency!” Amy Winehouse added, “Did the chap not have a driver?” I’m kidding; she didn’t say anything – she was too busy blowing Nolte. Look out!

He demanded to speak to the Sheriff and claimed the Sheriff gave him permission to get this call. What does this dude do when he strikes out with chicks at last call? Phone the White House, then accuse Obama of being racist when he doesn’t get a call back?

In his defense, this was a much better choice than driving. And remember, kids: He lives in Philly. After seeing how the Eagles played against the Redskins, he had to get hammered! By the way, FACT: If you’re driving under the influence, your chances of getting pulled over by the police are higher if you’re listening to Billy Joel. But personally….I’d rather laugh with the sinners than cry with the saints. Sinners are much more fun.

In a related story on Fox News….A woman in Ohio called 911 and asked for a date. My God, she sounds more desperate than Johnny Drama talking to Spielberg.

Well, let’s be honest: We’ve all been this drunk before; she’s just the first person on record to make this call. I was so drunk at my birthday party, I walked into a wall….and apologized to it. “(Thud!) Oh, sorry, dude. Hey, can I borrow 5 bucks? This guy’s a dick! He’s like talking to a wall!” Sometimes getting drunk and making bad decisions can cause accidental births.  And not just to babies, but to a TV series!  Example: When writer Kevin Kennedy got drunk with friend Niels Mueller, they created “The Defenders”, starring Jim Belushi and Jerry O’Connell. After they sobered up and realized the show actually became part of CBS’s lineup, they predicted the title will soon change to “The Cancellation”.