The new controversial TSA full-body scan has got people nervous; just imagining it makes me shake like Joe Cocker after a triple expresso. But last week, a woman at LAX airport decided to avoid the dreaded pat-down by wearing nothing more than a bikini through security.

First of all, the woman is quite attractive; so I believe all the security employees did not object to her scantily clad apparel. How do I know that?  Easy. ‘Cause anyone who works airport security is either a straight man or a lesbian. The only drawback to her plan is the employees could always invent excuses to pat her down anyway. (“Miss, I’m gonna have to check your crotch for explosives.”)

A reporter interviewing the lovely lady confirmed with her that the reason she’s rocking a brief two-piece is because “You wanna show ‘em you don’t have anything.” I beg to differ, baby. Looks like she’s got plenty to me. I saw a flat tummy, hot thighs and a C cup.

I think bikinis are a great idea at the airport, with one stipulation: If you’re gonna wear a bikini, you must have an appealing “bikini body”. If you’re shaped like Jabba the Hut, for the love of God wear at least 3 layers and risk getting groped. Honestly, if you have a grossly obese figure – security will probably avoid touching it. Being unhealthy has its benefits, fatties.

As a final thought to wearing her bikini, the young woman told her interviewer, “They’re welcome to pat down wherever they think a potential place for hiding things is.” Part of me agrees with her method of madness; I say, “That’s right! What could someone possibly hide in a bikini?” And part of me thinks this chick just really needs some foreplay.

I just hope dudes don’t start wearing speedos through security. I’d never do that….unless I popped a Viagra first.

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