Happy New Year, my friends! This last year’s been a wild ride; and I can’t believe we’re starting the 2nd year of a decade that still doesn’t have a popular nickname. Okay, I guess technically we’re in “The Teens”, but what the hell do we call the last decade?
I’ve heard “The Aughts”, “The Single Digits” and “The Two Thousands”….well, I call these nicknames “The Sucks”. I declare we should call our last decade “The F.O.T.M.” It’s an acronym that stands for “The First Of The Millennium”. (You can either spell out each letter or pronounce the acronym, which phonetically rhymes with “autumn”.)
As many of you know, It’s been a fun and incredibly special year for me personally. I got two cds on iTUNES, I released my new double-disc comedy dvd “Fandemonium”, I performed at my highschool reunion in Greenville, Mississippi, I appeared on “The Tonight Show with Jay Leno”, and I got married!
That’s right, last year I got married on August 21 – the same day as my late, great Grandparents; my parents (Their 40th anniversary) and my sister and bro-in-law it was (Their 6th). My family either suffers from lack of creativity or OCD.
I learned so much from the entire wedding experience, and a lot of you have asked advice on this subject; so I’ve decided to impart some wisdom, should you decide to ever get married:
10. Try to have little to no babies at the ceremony. It’s really annoying when you can’t hear the vows, but you can hear a nursery.
9. Don’t have your bachelor party at a gay bar. Unless you really need free drinks.
8. Have somebody take pictures and/or video at the Groom’s Dinner as well as the Wedding. Spend the money; you’ll thank me later.
7. Don’t take an immediate honeymoon the next day to another country. One of you will get sick. Just relax together.
6. At your wedding “After-Party”, keep all bottles of red wine away from your lovely wife. If not, somebody will spill some all over her white dress. You don’t want your bride looking like Sissy Spacek in Carrie.
5. Try to get as many people dancing as possible. Trust me, your bar tab will be lower.
4. Don’t get cock-blocked by your parents. We didn’t officially consummate the marriage ‘til Monday ‘cause both our parents WOULDN’T LEAVE.
3. The night before the wedding, don’t get as drunk as Nicholas Cage in Leaving Las Vegas. Nothing more embarrassing than your fiance cleaning up after you and screaming, “We should have eloped!”
2. After you tie the knot, be sure to take your brand-new spouse aside and just watch the entire party together for a moment. It’s really cool; all these people are celebrating both of you, and it’ll be your first experience as a married couple.
1. Don’t be afraid to tell people you’re registered at WLC….We Love Cash. It’s my favorite store.
For everybody else, try to make at least a few New Years’ Resolutions and see if you can stick to ‘em. Here’s what I have so far: I’m gonna eat healthier food, I’m gonna write new jokes and I’m gonna stop drinking so much on the weekend….okay, 2 outta 3 ain’t bad.
I wish you all a merry and safe 2011 that’s full of wonderful memories. Next year is 2012; or as The Mayans call it, “The End of the World”. Strangely enough, my neighbor recently asked me if I believe that the World will end next year because the Mayan calendar says so. My answer? Um….I’m not Mayan. So it really has no effect on me whatsoever. We’re gonna be just fine, folks. Happy New Year!