8 CITIES IN 2 WEEKS!

MY LATEST TRAVELS

In the last fortnight, I’ve been to 8 different cities. For my mathematically declined fans – basically, I’ve been racing to the next town at least every other day.* I’ve been on the road so much, I’m making Willie Nelson look like Howard Hughes. Here’s a quick recap of the latest destinations I’ve encountered:

Lake Tahoe, CA – Or as I call it, “The ritzy part of Reno”. Absolutely gorgeous – bright sun shining off the snow-covered mountains that align a beautiful body of aqua-marine water; like an image straight out of a C.S. Lewis novel. (Minus the talking Lion.) If you visit, go stay at the “Edgelake Beach Club”! And I’m not just suggesting that ‘cause they promised me a free weekend if I plug ‘em.

Reno – Or as I call it, “The cheesy part of Lake Tahoe”. Shows at The Pioneer Underground rocked! Then…I was the best-looking dude in every casino. Talk about an ego-boost! Reno’s like a giant Walmart that you can drink and gamble in 24-7. And I’m convinced somebody there is making a hidden camera show called, “When Cougars Attack”.

Parumph, NV – It’s about an hour outside Vegas; population is around 45,000 – though at first glance, all you notice is an Albertson’s, a casino and a Home Depot. The glamorous part of this town is…..Vegas. But there’s also a new, kickass comedy venue called “Heath’s Laugh Factory” and I loved The Nugget Casino! The all-night restaurant serves amazing food at cheap prices….although the demanding old lady in the table next to me was about as likable as Eustace from Narnia III. (Yes, that’s the 2nd C.S. Lewis reference in one blog. I just saw it on a plane; gimme a break.)

Las Vegas – After a 7-hour drive, I was warmly rewarded by staying at The Mandalay Bay. It’s amazing the difference a “Hotel Half-Star” makes. 3-and-a-half Stars aren’t too shabby…..but 4-Stars comes with fluffy bathrobes, a jacuzzi, and a stocked mini-bar! Sure, the mini-bar comes with a mega-bill if you use it; but fuck it, it’s Vegas! I also went to a “Dueling Piano Bar”; man, I envy these pianists! Musicians have it easy. I wish I could make people give me 60 bucks to tell another comic’s joke.

Indian Wells, CA – I went to the annual ATP 1000 tennis tournament; it was awesome! I saw the beautiful and hard-hitting Maria Sharapova; the record-setting Bryan Brothers, and my man Andy Roddick beat John Isner. But even crazier…..my wife and saw L.A. Lakers star Pau Gasol! In effort to hide from the public, the 7-foot celebrity athlete decided to stand behind a skinny palm tree. Thank God he became a basketball player and not a spy. You gotta love Pau Gasol, or as the old lady next to me called him – “The white, sweaty Laker who speaks Spanish.”

Sun Valley, Idaho – Helluva vacation spot! Biz and pleasure, baby. I rocked The Boiler Room and stayed at The Sun Valley Lodge, another 4-Star Resort! The wife and I went snowshoeing, gondola-riding up the mountain, swimming in an outdoor heated pool, dancing to a live band, and sloppily drinking with the audience from my shows. A lovely 73-year-old lady aggressively flirted with me….good thing my chick was there to cock-block. And I was proud of my light-weight wife for doing shots! How’d the night end? Let’s just say…..Hot, Buttered Rum can be an aphrodisiac.

Boise, Idaho – You gotta love a town that’s mentioned in a classic Lynyrd Skynyrd song! I enjoyed some nights off, staying with some of my best friends. A lot of food; a lot of wine; and a lot of headaches. (Not from being hungover; their dogs bark really loud!) Went to an empty pub and reluctantly got sucked into a conversation with the creepy bartender. He looked like an extra from Pirates From the Carribean. He even had a limp. I didn’t ask if he had a pet, ‘cause I know it’s a bird.

Los Angeles, CA – My current home. The only city in the world where people say they had “A meeting with 2 producers”…..when they actually just had lunch with their parents. Did laundry, hit the gym, did some work, took a nap, and…..

Next stop? Baton Rouge, baby. Where Louisana people party when they can’t afford New Orleans. They wanna get drunk AND remember what they did. Let’s see if that happens this time…..

*I’m not being condescending; I’m as mathematically challenged as they come. It’s part of my dyslexia; I actually had to google the above mentioned stat….By the way, “condescending” means “having a patronizingly superior attitude”.

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