You gotta Love Penn State, where the second “n” is silent, just like the calls to the police.

For those of you who aren’t familiar with the term ‘news’, lemme catch you up on this week: Former Penn State assistant football coach Jerry Sandusky was indicted with 40 counts of sex crimes against young boys. In 2002, a grad assistant told legendary Penn State coach Joe Paterno he saw Sandusky having sex with a 10-year-old boy in the University’s showers. Paterno reported this to Penn State athletic director Tim Curley and University VP Gary Shultz, but not to the cops. Curley and Shultz resigned after being charged with failing to report the incident to police and lying to a grand jury regarding what they knew about the incident. (Anyone else find it humorous that one of the guys charged with perjury shares the same name as one of “The Three Stooges”?) Paterno and University President Graham Spanier were not charged, but both have been criticized for not contacting the authorities. Then Paterno announced he would retire at the end of the season; but hours later, he and Spanier were both fired by the Penn State Board of Trustees.

The decision to fire Paterno sparked riots on campus, leading students to destroy public property and overturn a news van….though rumors suggest another cause for this unruly behavior was the cafeteria ran out of tacos.

Jerry Sandusky is 67 years old, and the charges against him are as recent as 2009. These poor kids couldn’t even outrun a senior citizen. This is just another reason to stop child obesity!

‘Ole Jerry, charged with sexually assaulting 8 boys over a 15-year-period, maintains his innocence. Here’s the deal….one kid accuses you, perhaps his parents are gold-diggers. Another kid accuses you, he could just be following the leader; or maybe he has a crush on you and is pissed you never made a move. But if 8 different children all independently finger you for fingering them….you did it.

This entire scandal reeks of bizarre irony. The witness who caught Sandusky is Mike McQueary. I repeat – the dude’s last name who caught Jerry Sandusky sodomizing a male minor is “McQueary”. The title of his 2001 autobiography is Touched: The Jerry Sandusky Story. And the coach had an ice cream flavor named after him at the campus creamery. The name of the flavor? “Jerry’s Hand-Packed Chocolate Fudge with Mini-Nuts”. Okay, I can’t exactly prove that last one; but you get my point. The clues were there….

Sandusky also founded The Second Mile Charity, dedicated to helping troubled, at-risk youths. That’s like Lindsay Lohan founding a charity dedicated to helping parole-violating cokewhores.

The Second Mile gets its name from the following Biblical passage: “And whosoever shall compel thee to go one mile, go with him two.” Interesting. If thee go with him Eight Mile, does thee suddenly become gifted at rhyming and unnecessarily angry?

Jerry said in his book, “I was happy beyond my wildest dreams to be known as a Penn State football coach, but I wanted to be remembered for something more.” How ‘bout burning in hell, Jer?

Sandusky is charged with “indecent assault”, which begs the following question: Is there such a thing as “decent assault”? I can’t imagine any victim of this awful crime saying, “Sure, I was raped; but he was so courteous and gentle; I didn’t feel a thing!”

HERE’S THE TRUTH: JoePa didn’t handle this scandal well; he should have called the police. But he doesn’t deserve to be fired on his last season. Come on, he’s Paterno. His name is just two letters away from “Paternal”. He was at Penn State for 61 years. He was the head coach for almost half a century, the longest-tenured coach in major football history. He raised millions of dollars for the University and personally donated over 4 million. He was the winningest coach in major college football; he’s got 409 victories; he reached 300 wins faster than any other coach; he’s got 2 national titles; and he led five teams to an entire season without a loss nor a tie….and he got fired THE SAME DAY HE ANNOUNCED HIS RETIREMENT AT THE END OF THE SEASON! Talk about not being allowed to finish the marathon on the 26th mile….

As I write this, Penn State has a great shot at playing The Big Ten championship game AND The Rose Bowl; they’re 8-1 for the season. Now that they’ve canned Joe Paterno, make that 8-2.


1 Comment

  1. Very astutely stated, Mr. Stuart… wow if that isn’t dipthong alliteration, yessir! (all those “st”s. Uh huh, I paid attention!)

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