NEW YEAR’S EVE

New Year’s Eve is more over-rated than Channing Tatum. On this holiday night, virtually any social event will be expensive, crowded; and unless your Designated Driver has been sober for a good decade, it’s definitely gonna suck for someone in your group.

And what is this absurd pressure on New Year’s Eve to kiss someone at midnight? When I was single, my crew would always start partying around 7….heavily flirt with several prospects by 9….attempt to solely focus on one makeout target but still have at least 2 back-ups around 11….make sure your tonsil hockey buddy is as drunk as you @ 11:30ish…..and OHMIGOD, AT MIDNIGHT; KISS SOMEBODY, DAMMIT!

Here’s my point….if we’re gonna snap into panic mode to desperately tongue someone on the first minute of the year, we gotta do similar rituals on other holidays. Guys, wouldn’t it be sweet if women were saying; “I can’t wait to flash everybody on St. Patty’s Day!” Ladies, you could probably do without dudes saying, “I gotta T-Bag someone on Easter!” Okay, those suggestions are more preposterous than Teabowing after throwing a winning touchdown, but how ‘bout Halloween Handjobs? Come on! Tricks can always be treats….

TAKE MY ADVICE: Never go out for dinner on New Year’s Eve. It’s just another excuse for restaurants to unfairly jack up the prices on everything – On December 31st; you’re Charlie Sheen, and restaurants are The Media: You’re at their mercy. Don’t go to a club, either. The prices are always higher than Tommy Chong in an L.A. medicinal clinic at 4:20. And hotels? Forget it, baby. Even if it’s a Super 8 off the outskirts of Flint, Michigan; they know they’re gonna sell out all their rooms to every college kid, truckdriver and meth-head in town; so they can’t wait to double the rate. In fact, pretty much anywhere you go on NYE….you’re financially screwed. Seriously, why don’t people wake up on the first of January and think, “My New Year’s Resolution is to not spend that much money.”

In today’s world, only 2 places are left that won’t bust you on the final celebration of the year: Houseparties and comedy clubs. A houseparty will cost you a $2 bottle of Andre’s champagne or a Jumbo Size bag of Doritos. A comedy club will be slightly more expensive than normal, BUT….that includes a live show, dinner, champagne and party favors. (Not to mention the shiny hats and kazoos.) Plus, after midnight; you get to hang out with me. And trust me; that’s always priceless. I’m not conceited; I’m convinced.

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