Here’s something you’ll never hear: “I loved the Superbowl, but there weren’t enough car commercials.”

TRUE STORY: I took my wife to dinner after The Bowl, and we had the clumsiest waiter. He dropped so many things, I thought he was playing for The Patriots. KA-BOOM!

For the record, I was rooting for The Pats and actually think Tom Brady played a great game; but to quote his wife Gisele, he “cannot fucking throw the ball and catch the ball at the same time”. That’s true. Just like she can’t look beautiful and eat at the same time.

There’s a million blogs about the 2012 Giants Superbowl win over the Pats, but I’m here to offer you original insight on the commercials. And….action!

There were 55 commercials during this year’s Bowl. Let’s start with THE WORST, in my humble yet correct opinion:

The Coke Polar Bears. I love Coke for two reasons – It goes great with bourbon & rum, and it’s finally brought peace between Polar Bears & Penguins. However….these Polar Bear spots were just not funny. It’s time for a new mascot, Coke. At least they have a new slogan, “Open Happiness”. I bet if Cocaine was legal, this would be their slogan. That sounds much better than, “You show me a mirror, and I’ll show you a razor blade. Try Coke.”

Bridgestone “Performance Football”. It’s a cute idea, but you lost me at Dion Sanders. That guy’s ego makes Kanye’s look like Tiger’s. But how thoughtful for Bridgestone to give Dion a Superbowl spot; he clearly needs the money. (Insert sarcastic icon here. Did I just invent The Sarcasticon?) I’m sure all his proceeds will go to a charity called “Dion’s New CD: Rappin’ For Jesus”.

Tax Act. The kid peeing in the pool and impishly enjoying his sister diving in it would be really funny if I was in kindergarden. But if TaxAct’s metaphoric message is “Piss on the I.R.S.!”….they just got a new client.

Doritos: “Sling Baby”. I know a lot of people like this one, but I say ENOUGH WITH THE WACKY BABY COMMERCIALS! This spot does nothing more than jump on the advertisement hac wagon of using anomalous baby behavior as the punchline. I grant the E*TRADE talking baby Carte Blanche because he was the very first of his kind. Plus, this year’s speed-dating joke was hilarious.

Volkswagon: “The Dog Strikes Back”. This is actually an ad within an ad. The dog one works; but The Star Wars isn’t funny. Simon Cowell would have summed it up with two words, “Seen it!” (Which is the notch above “Absolutely dreadful”.)

David Beckham Bodyware – Bend it Like Beckham? More like Flaunt it Like Beckham. While David flamboyantly and seductively poses for the camera in his personal line of tighty whities, the look on his face says; “God, I wish I could fuck myself.” Okay, my gripe with this ad is not your typical straight dude comedian line like, “I don’t need to see Beckham’s ass in HD”. Remember my hetero brothers….during The Superbowl, we gotta please the ladies and gay men, too. My problem with Dave’s commercial is there’s no disclaimer that says “Buying this underwear will not make you look like David Beckham”. But hey, why am I expecting truth in advertising?

Go Daddy: “The Cloud”. Need evidence that I’m not sexist? Enter Exhibit A….I find this Danika Patrick commercial to be a tsunami of stupidity. When the two young men see the bikini-clad car racer and many other near-nude beauties, they immediately ask each other if they’re in heaven. You know what I’d be asking? “How the fuck did I die?!!!” Although her her thighs look exceptionally ravishing, Danika’s acting skills are about as impressive as Vin Diesel’s.

Now, how ‘bout the good ones? Samsong playing Darkness’ “Thing Called Love” and Budweiser playing The Cult’s “She Sells Sanctuary” made me wanna party; the NFL Timeline made me think, “Finally, a Superbowl commercial about football!”; and Fiat made me wanna make love to a car, as long as it has a foreign accent.

Here’s my personal TOP 15 FAVORITE SUPERBOWL SPOTS OF 2012:

15) Pepsi: “Fit For a King”. The banter between Sir Elton John as The King and The X Factor Winner Chick as a Soda-Obsessed Robin Hood was annoying….but Flava Flav’s cameo saved the day. Quick question: Shouldn’t Elton have been The Queen?

14) The John Stamos Greek Yogurt spot made me smile, and not just ‘cause he got head-butted. It’s nice to see Uncle Jesse working. It’s much better than a Bob Saget ad for Skittles.

13) The Chevy Silverado “End of the World” advertisement taught us a valuable lesson: Apparently 3 things will be left at the end of the world – Silverados, their drivers and Twinkies. But oddly enough, no Mayans.

12) The M&Ms “Just My Shell” ad is a crowd-pleaser. The joke’s over quickly, but they do a great job of not overdoing it; and the horny male M&M “wiggling” is a gut-buster. The only drawback? Now a bunch of dudes have M&M fetishes.

11) The Avengers promo excites me. It’s got Iron Man, Thor, Captain America AND Samuel L. Jackson? Hell, yeah! Oh, and Avengers….you had me at “Scarlett Johansson”. She makes me wanna eat M&Ms.

10) The “Man’s Best Friend” Doritos commercial is great if you’re not a P.E.T.A. member. As a catlover, I never expected feline homocide to be so funny.

9) The Hyundai “Think Fast” advertisement is hysterical. Was the younger dude trying to revive or exterminate his boring boss? Hmmm…..

8) The Bud Lite with “Weego” the dog was adorably funny. This was the best cockblock I’ve seen on TV since Newt’s wife made him leave his press conference with her. And check this out: For every facebook “like” the company got on this ad, it donated $1 to an animal rescue fund. As a result, they’re handing over $250,000! Mad props, Bud Lite. When the President handed over the check; I wonder if he frustratedly murmured, “Here we go….”

7) Met Life – Any kid from the 80s is in love with this ad. My friends and I thoroughly enjoyed seeing every cartoon character we grew up with in 30 seconds….we couldn’t take our eyes off it; hell, we couldn’t even move! I bet even Seth McFarland didn’t climax ‘til it was over.

6) Chrysler with Clint Eastwood – For the record, this commercial has nothing to do with “The Bailout” nor Obama and everything to do with patriotic inspiration. Eastwood made me feel lucky. Well do you….punk?

5) Okay, though I have absolutely no interest in watching “America’s Got Talent” – and when Howard Stern was announced as a new host of the show, I initially thought, “What a whore!” – this commercial is pretty damn funny. A Zach Galifianakis look-alike wearing a Super Hero outfit and poorly dancing & singing to “Moves Like Jagger” provokes Howard to blast him with a firehose. Okay, ha-ha. But then a 7-year-old Shirley Temple impersonator provokes Howard to spray her with the hose….now THAT’S comedy! By the way, people; don’t try to get moves like Jagger. It’s much easier to have moves like Keith Richards.

4) Teleflora Valentine’s Promo – Look, even having Supermodel Adriana Lima looking hotter than Mt. Vesuvius can’t distract me from the fact that you’re promoting an overhyped holiday that sexually lures men into buying a bunch of unnecessary bullshit accessories for his woman and taking her to an overpriced dinner on a “holiday” night….that ends with her not wanting to have sex due to chocolate martini-induced intoxication & extreme bloating and him cursing his credit card receipts & furiously masturbating in the shower. So I’ve heard.

3) The Seinfeld Acura advertisement was fantastic. It had everything: Seinfeld attempting to tell dirty limericks at a dinner party, the last living Munchkin and the Soup Nazi! It was a great homage to the show with Jerry substituting “Leno” for “Newman” and the final coffee shop scene. One wonders if Leno taking over Jerry’s car was an inside industry joke? I bet Conan laughed…. My only criticism is in the form of a question: Am I really supposed to believe that Seinfeld and Leno drive Acuras?

2) The Chevrolet “Happy Grad” kicks ass! This is how a Superbowl spot should be. It’s a classic joke of confusion: A surfer dude who looks like Dax Shepard and sounds like Chris Farley assumes he got a brand new car when he actually got a mini-fridge. Brilliant simplicity. From the jubilant screaming to the sudden marriage proposal to his father’s hoping he’ll “wear himself out” to Mr. Johnson “stealing” the car….”Happy Grad” is The Class Valedictorian.

1) The Honda CR-V “Matthew’s Day Off” is the 2012 Superbowl’s best commercial. It does a perfect parody of Ferris Bueller’s Day Off; it’s extremely clever and constantly barrages viewers with rapid-fire jokes. And how happy is Yellow? The obscure 80s Swiss band’s song, “Oh Yeah”, is in this ad. Kids, sometimes you can have a hit without even singing. Or acting. I’ll prove with two words: Hassle. Hoff.


1 Comment

  1. Brilliant commentary, Claude. Now go forth and make (more) people laugh.


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