Sometimes life imitates art. This time, life imitated a bad SNL sketch with Kenan Thompson….except this is funny: A dude and his girlfriend got caught robbing a Dollar General after he posted pics on his Facebook of him holding a huge wad of cash and wearing THE EXACT SAME HAT as the robber in the store video.

Seriously, Mr. Jovan Cummings did this after heisting a Dollar General with his sidekick Nicole Catherine Eaton. If you see her mugshot, you’ll learn her last name bears no irony.

Jovan would have gotten away with it, if he didn’t post FB images of him showing off his loot and videos of him brandishing precisely the same gun that was used in the robbery. Worse than that? His videos got 47 “likes”.

Mr. Cummings told reporters, “Next time, Ima hit a 99 cent store and put dat on Myspace!” Well, this would actually be a wise choice, ‘cause no one would ever see it.

Burglarizing a Dollar General? Dude, you’d earn more Street Cred knocking off a Lemonade Stand. The criminals didn’t get cash, but they did get a truckload of Mickey Mouse Pencil Erasers and the Ever-Popular Mexican Cleaning Product, “Limpia El Piso!”

The perpetrators bound a Dollar General employee with duct tape from the store. After they ran out, the employee wasn’t able to call the police until the faulty duct tape dissolved. In other words, 2 minutes later.

The Sarasota-Herald Tribute reported that “the suspects were “arrested for allegedly robbing a Dollar General”. I don’t understand reporters’ definitions of “allegedly” and “suspect”. When I hear a newscaster say “The suspect was seen carjacking vehicles, shooting innocent people and fleeing from the police”…..he’s no longer a “suspect”; he fucking did it! “Innocent ‘Til Proven Guilty”? No, how ‘bout “Guilty When Acting Guilty”. What’s next? Are we going to hear a reporter say, “The suspect just shot me in the gut. I’m allegedly bleeding….”

Cummings is in the Sarasota County jail, and his bail is $470,000. Wow….I assumed if you rob a Dollar General, your bail would be 300 bucks tops.

Maybe I’m being too hard on Jovan Cummings. Perhaps he was just trying to exercise his right to a speedy trial. Regardless, I “suspect” he’s guilty.

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