THE REPUBLICAN RACE: HOW MITT BEAT THE PITS

I’m not a political comedian. Politics instantly cut your fanbase by 50%, which would leave me with about 12 people.

During a recent radio interview, the host asked me “Do you do an Obama impression?” I answered, “No but if I did, I would start off on the left side of the stage….then slowly work my way over to the right…..then move back to the middle. But my only goal would be to simply please everyone.”

My goal as a comic is to simply entertain people. Over the last year…..a lot of you asked me to write a political blog, specifically about the GOP race for Presidential Candidate. I knew Romney was gonna win from the get-go, so lemme show you how he did it. I’ll try my best to sincerely compliment each candidate, then I’ll reveal exactly how they each experienced an epic fail.

RICK SANTORUM

Okay, Santorum gets a “Thumbs up” for only one category: His stance on poverty. Contrary to many conservatives, he’s actually been a huge advocate of helping victims of absolute poverty. Bono says “He has been a defender of the most vulnerable.” Dude, I can’t argue with that.

However, in every other category…..I find Santorum’s views more distorted than Hunter S. Thompson staring through a Kaleidoscope after taking “The Brown Acid”.

Check out Santorum’s stance on Immigration – He wants to build a barrier along the US-Mexican border and increase the number of boarder patrol agents; he believes illegal immigrants who commit crimes should be deported immediately, and believes undocumented immigrants shouldn’t receive government handouts. Yet his father immigrated from Italy at the age of 7. Hmm….Rick needs to worry less about his view on immigration and more about his view on contradiction.

How ‘bout his Foreign Policy – Santorum supports The War on Terror and believes Iran is the center of much of the world’s terror, but he doesn’t think we should take direct military action. Umm…what? In a related story, every time Rick Santorum sees a kettle, he points at it and screams, “You’re black!”

His views on Education – Santorum believes Obama is a snob because he wants every American to go to college for a year. He also claims 62% of people who go to college with some sort of religious faith graduate without it. Well, either Santorum needs to work on his prayers; or God doesn’t want him to be President.

His views on Homosexuality – After comparing gay relationships to beastiality and incest, Rick experienced major backlash when gay activist/sex columnist Dan Savage held a contest among his readers to create a new definition for “Santorum”. It’s become Santorum’s infamous “Google Problem”, especially since Google refused to remove this new definition from its search engine. (If the suspense is killing you – and I know it is – check out http://www.spreadingsantorum.com for the winning “entry”.)

My favorite Santorum opinion is his one on Sex. He opposes contraception and claims if elected, he would declare a War on Porn. Yeah, then he’d immediately declare a War on Rape. He says porn causes violence on women. No, lack of porn causes that. Santorum puts the “goober” in “gubernatorial”.

In explaining why his highschool nickname was “Rooster”, Santorum claims it was because of his cowlick strands of hair and assertive nature. However, his classmates say they called him “Rooster” ‘cause he’s an annoying cock, especially in the morning.

RICK PERRY

He’s likable. Charming. Funny. Of all the GOP choices, he’s the one you wanna have a beer with. Plus, set a record for 82 vetos in 1 legislative session. (He technically had an 83rd, but he immediately vetoed that decision.)

So how’d he lose? He just happened to have the most embarrassing moment in the history of GOP debates. Was it as bad as James Stockdale’s hearing aid going off in the ’92 VP debates? Lord, no….it was worse.

Rick seemed to be on a roll when vehemently declaring to Ron Paul that he would eliminate three federal agencies….until he tried to name ‘em. He listed, “Commerce, education, and the uh,….what was the third one there?”

Now if Perry meant this as a joke, it would have been brilliant. Unfortunately, he was seriously blanking out, like Tom Cruise when he returned from Nam on Born on the Fourth of July. On Perry’s second attempt, he blanked again; and Romney even suggested, “EPA.” Rick playfully agreed, “Yeah, EPA.” This actually got laughter and applause, which Perry STILL could have gotten away with if he had thought of that 3rd piece of the puzzle.

Then the moderator asked Perry, “But you can’t name the third one?”

‘Ole Rick retorted, “No, sir; no, sir. I would do away with Education, uh…commerce and let’s see….”

Then he proceeded to search his notes in a panic, like a drunk driver fumbling for his license and registration. “I can’t. The third one? I can’t, sorry. (beat) Oops.” If you watch the clip, you can actually hear The Perry Campaign Train come to a screeching halt:

I honestly think Perry got distracted when he looked at Ron Paul, who made an awkward gesture with his hand and looked frighteningly like Charon the Skeletal Ferryman from “Clash of the Titans”. Regardless, Perry made George W. sound like Morgan Freeman.

DID YOU KNOW……Perry supports the death penalty, even for the mentally retarded. No wonder Santorum is afraid of him.

The other problem with Rick Perry: He’s racist. FACT: Last October, the Washington Post reported that Perry’s family leases a hunting camp called “Niggerhead“. According to local residents interviewed by the Post, his family partied on the camp for years before finally painting over a large rock with that name on it. Perry’s campaign disputed the claims, stating he painted over the rock immediately after leasing the property in 1983. (What they declined to mention is what Rick painted over the rock: “Darkie Dome”.)

MICHELE BAUCHMANN

Republicans, I give you credit for having Herman Cain and Michele Bauchmann as two of your candidates. But come on….did anyone REALLY think the GOP vote would be won by a woman or a black dude? Please, you’d have a better shot at staying married to Kim Kardashian for 3 months.

Okay, my only compliment on Michele Bauchmann is she’s a MILF. I’m convinced she’s actually Sara Palin with blue contacts and no glasses. She’s also great with kids; she and her husband have 5 of their own, and they’ve provided care for 23 other kids, all teenage girls. These two either love children, or love avoiding having sex with each other.

Bauchmann is uber-religious. She’s one of those Christians who believes God loves everyone….except those who don’t worship Him. And The Gays, of course.

Michele and her husband Marcus own a Christian counseling practice. He’s denied that they practice Conversion Therapy, the act of converting the homosexual to the heterosexual. However, a former client of the clinic and a hidden investigator claim otherwise. Marcus reacted with, “That accusation is so gay!”

Their clinic received $30,000 from MN government agencies, at least $137,000 in federal payments, and $24,000 in government grants for counselor training. She and her husband also earned money from his father’s farm, which got $260,000 in federal crop and disaster subsidies. And she doesn’t believe in government handouts…..You know you’re in trouble when Santorum calls you a ‘hypocrite’.

Michele was an attorney for the IRS. No wonder she’s so good at holding onto her money….

She suffered a miscarriage, which helped shape her pro-life views. I conceived a great punchline about this, but I aborted it.

She’s not the quickest. In defining ‘mandate’, Bauchmann answered, “A date two men should never be on together”. I’m sure God forgives you, Michele.

HERMAN CAIN

Republicans, Herman Cain was a BRILLIANT move! What a response to Obama: “Alright, Dems. We’ll see your self-made, inspirational-speaking, black, liberal President….and raise you our self-made, inspirational-speaking, black Baptist Minister/Radio Talk Show Host/Tea Party-advocating, conservative candidate. And oh, yeah – did we mention he’s a cancer survivor?”

Cain’s an interesting fellow – He’s been an analyst for the Navy, the CEO of Godfather’s Pizza and the National Restaurant Association; he’s been on the Board of Directors for 5 huge, national companies; managed over 400 Burger Kings; and he’s received honorary degrees for 9 different Universities. So what’s the problem?

Everything was going smooth for Cain: He became a Youtube sensation and the surprise Republican favorite; he was clearly the most exciting and most press-covered GOP candidate; and last year he was even ahead of Obama in the polls. This made most Republicans happy, except for the other candidates. The Romney and Gingrich Camps asked themselves, “How the hell do we stop this guy?” Remember – with enough money, you can always dig up some dirt….

Every politician has an Achilles’ Heel. Cain has an Achilles’ Penis. Turns out….while Cain was CEO of the National Restaurant Associaton, two women accused him of sexual harassment and misconduct. Cain denied these allegations, BUT HE ADMITTED THAT HIS COMPANY PAID THESE WOMEN FINANCIAL SETTLEMENTS. Many people translated this as, “I’m innocent….but I still paid these bitches to keep their mouths shut.”

Then, two more women made the same accusations; and two of the four stepped forward. On November 28, 2011, (right when Republicans were deciding who to vote for) Cain asserted that a woman named Ginger White would be claiming to have had an affair with him, and that the allegation was not true. AN HOUR LATER….White told a TV reporter she had a 13-YEAR AFFAIR with Cain, which ended right before his presidential campaign. He denounced these allegations as a “character assassination”; 3 days later, he suspended his campaign. Within 72 hours, his numbers in the polls dropped lower than the average teenage pedestrian’s pants in Compton.

After suspending his campaign, Cain first endorsed Newt Gingrich, and then on May 15 this year; he endorsed Mitt Romney. In other words, Romney offered him more money. (“Sorry about that Ginger White thing, Hermie.”)

I wonder…..when Cain was harassing women at Burger King, did he ever ask one to have his Whopper her way?

LITTLE-KNOWN FACT ABOUT CAIN: He not only publicly opposed the Clinton’s Health Care Plan, he personally challenged Bill on its costs at a town meeting; telling him “Your calculation is inaccurate.”

This guy’s got balls the size of a Macy’s Day Parade float! A black man that doesn’t like Clinton? Wow. That’s like a Jewish guy that doesn’t like discounts.

Cain’s invented his own tax policy plan, “The 9-9-9 Plan”; which is different than Clinton’s tax policy, “The Sixty-Nine Plan”, which is popular among overweight white women.

NEWT GINGRICH

Of all the Republican candidates, Newt’s got the best resume: The southern regional director for Nelson Rockefeller; winner of Georgia’s 6th Congressional District 7 times in a row (20 consecutive years); co-founder of the Military Reform Caucus (MRC) the Congressional Aviation and Space Caucus; founder of the Conservative Opportunity Society (COS), the Center for Health Transformation, and the American Solutions for Winning the Future; House Minority Whip; Speaker of the House; Time’s “Man of the Year” in ’95; and the longest-serving teacher of the Joint Flag Officer Warfighting Course at U.S. Air Forces’s Air University. He’s also authored 27 books. This guy cranks out literature like Stephen King on 5-hour Energy Drinks.

So why’d he lose? Do people STILL think he’s a crybaby for wining to the press how Clinton refused to discuss the budget with him on that flight from Israel? Do people STILL think he’s dishonest for lying about his taxes? No, the answer is simple: He’s fat. No joke, people. While obesity in America is at an embarrassing all-time high, we can’t afford to further this stereotype by electing a fat President. If our ruler is hogging all the hummus at The United Nations, what kind of message are we sending to the rest of the world? The U.S. hasn’t had a fat president since William Howard Taft. He left office in 1913, ALMOST A CENTURY AGO!

RANDOM FACT: Newt’s a dinosaur enthusiast, which explains why he likes Ron Paul.

Newt Gingrich isn’t environmental. The only thing he knows how to recycle is his wives. However, rumor has it while speaking in Phoenix last July, it was so hot that Newt started believing in Global Warming.

Honestly, I don’t think Newt’s problems are political. Let’s do a quick recap of his personal life: He married Jackie Battley, his former highschool teacher, when he was 19 and she 26. Okay, at this point, I have the upmost respect for the man. Here’s where it dissolves: Newt left Jackie after having an affair with Marianne Ginther, who was 16 years younger than her. Jackie told The Washington Post the divorce was a “complete surprise”; and when he visited her at the hospital when she was recovering from surgery, he just wanted to discuss their divorce. According to L.H. Carter, Gingrich’s campaign treasurer, Newt said of Jackie, “She’s not young enough or pretty enough to be the wife of the President. And besides, she has cancer.” Right after this, Fox News offered him his own program called, “No Sympathy with Newt”.

Second Marriage: Six months after his divorce was final, Gingrich wed Marianne Ginther. Then Newt had an affair with House of Representatives staffer Callista Bisek, who was 23 years younger. Marianne told Nightline Newt tried to allow an “open marriage”. 4 months after they divorced, he married Callista. And they’ve been together ever since. Presumably, because she hasn’t gotten cancer.

RON PAUL

Ron Paul was the most original and smartest GOP candidate, and that’s exactly why he lost. Is he a Republican or a Libertarian? Let’s find out…

Paul has run as a Libertarian and a Republican, he’s the first Representative in history to serve concurrently with a child in the Senate, he’s considered “The intellectual Godfather of The Tea Party Movement”, served in Congress for over 3 decades (Practically since its inception), was a flight surgeon for The Air Force, and he’s an obi-gyne who’s delivered more than 4,000 babies. That’s right; Ron Paul has seen more pussy than Wilt Chamberlain.

1988 Election: The good news, Ron Paul came in third in the popular vote! The bad news, it was only .5% of the population. But hey, it was more than 432,000 people; that’s like getting everyone in Kansas City to vote for you.

Paul definitely has an effect on people. In the November 2008 general election, Paul withdrew from the race and STILL received 41,905 votes. That’s gotta suck for Ralph Nader and the Green Party losers who kept campaigning with 8 total votes, huh?

In ’96, Paul was re-elected to Congress and narrowly won with the help of politician/commentator Pat Buchanan, tax activist/publisher Steve Forbes and baseball phenomenon Nolan Ryan. Ron Paul has more connections than The Corleone Family.

One thing Paul doesn’t connect on is making a bill become a law. Of the 620 bills he sponsored while in Congress for over 22 years, only one had been signed into law – a lifetime success rate of less than 0.3%. “Conjunction Junction, what’s your Dysfunction?” That’s a prime example of why he didn’t win – Americans are into immediate results, and Paul thinks long-term.

He’s a brilliant man, he’s helped create a new movement, but the reality is: Ron Paul is just too old to be President. Had he won, he would have taken over the Oval Office at 77 years old. Our national leader should be in charge of military tanks, not oxygen tanks. If he wears a cloak, he looks like The Dark Lord of The Sith.

Paul is outspoken; he’s the only Republican candidate who’s EVER publicly criticized Reagan, calling him “disgraceful” and “a dramatic failure”. That’s like a stoner lambasting Bob Marley. He’s also the only 2008 Republican presidential candidate who voted against the Iraq War Resolution in 2002. When he lost the Republican Party Presidential Primary Election in ’08, Paul criticized both major parties; saying since they both don’t intend to challenge the status quo, there’s no real difference between them. Paul refused to endorse the Republican Party’s Presidential nominee (John McCain) and supported third-party candidates. I respect Ron Paul – he sticks to his guns, even if they’re not loaded.

WHAT ALSO HURT HIM: Ron’s famous newsletters were extremely controversial. Some discussed conspiracy theories and praised anti-government militia movements. (Okay, we have an answer – Ron Paul is Libertarian.) His newsletters also many quotes that were racist, Anti-Semitic and homophobic. (I take that back; Ron Paul’s totally Republican.)

So that’s how Mitt Romney took the Republican ticket – By default. He was up against a racist with severe memory loss, a “Rooster” who’s more focused on The War on Porn than The War on Terror, a crazy chick who used to represent the IRS and runs a business that converts homos into heteros, a black man who hates Clinton yet shares the same libido, a chubby dude who leaves his wife if she’s too old or has cancer, and a Libertarian who hates Reagan.

AND THEN THERE WAS MITT….

Of course Mitt Romney was gonna win. All he had to do was stand next to these buffoons and let ‘em talk. And Romney really is the quintessential GOP representative: He’s white, religious and rich.

How rich, you ask? Romney has TWICE the net worth of the last eight presidents COMBINED. When he was elected Governor of Massachusetts, he donated over $6 million to his own campaign. Money can’t buy love, but it can buy your dream job.

Mitt’s all over the media. 10 years ago, People included him in their 50 Most Beautiful People list, and this year Time named him in their list of the 100 Most Influential people. And if you don’t think Mitt Romney’s influential, just ask his publicists how much they got paid to put him in these magazines.

And hey – he’s handsome! That goes a long way with TV-watching voters. I don’t care what their politics are, I’m always gonna vote for Charlize Theron over Rhea Perlman.

Romney has been politically fickle; and the more conservative he gets, the more popular he gets. He went from pro-choice to pro-life, became a gun-loving hunter, and suddenly stopped having problems with corporate tax loopholes. Mitt doesn’t have policies; he has strategies. In defending himself to critics accusing him of pandering, Romney said “The older I get, the smarter Ronald Reagan gets.” Oh, Christ; Mitt. Why don’t you just start wearing an all-red wardrobe? Just remember this, folks: If you vote for Romney, you’re not really voting for Romney. You’re voting for what he thinks you want to vote for.

Aside from that, what’s my personal opinion? Romney’s smart, eloquent and successful. He’s also more boring than the Academy Awards President Tom Sherak reading a phonebook. He’s a Mormon who’s done missionary work, where he preached “No smoking, no drinking and no unmarried sex”. In other words….no fun. (The only “missionary” I’m interested in is the sexual position.) But Romney’s true to his religious beliefs; because in this year’s GOP race, he’s the only one who DIDN’T get fucked.

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