37-year-old drug dealer Jesus “Pepe” Fuentes was arrested in Chicago after his mother botched a heroin pickup for him. Eager to see rapper Scarface in concert, Fuentes sent his Ma to fetch the 10-kilo drop. She grabbed the entire shipment, but the drug train quickly came to a screeching halt when police pulled her over for failure to use a turn signal. NOTE TO ALL DEALERS: If you’re gonna send Yo Momma to pick up your stash, make sure she’s completed Defensive Heroin Driving.
I don’t have a problem with heroin dealers, but I have a huge problem with LAZY heroin dealers. Imagine this selfish prick saying to the woman who gave birth to him, “Come on, Mom! I wanna see the show; can you just go pick up my Mexican Brown? Puh-leeeze?!!!”
Man, some rappers can’t even perform in concert without being involved in a drug bust.
Let’s dig a little deeper….Mom drove a silver minivan to the North Side Pancake House and picked up 10 kilos of heroin. Come on, Fuentes Family. If you’re gonna make a drug drop at a Pancake House, at least make it IHOP! Which begs the following question: When ordering heroin at IHOP, instead of the Rooty Tooty Fresh N’ Fruity; do you get the Wacky Blackie Tar N’ Smacky?
I’ll give Fuentes’ madre points for effort. When the cops asked her about the 10 kilos, her defense was “I thought the bags of all that white stuff were sugar!”
Here’s her true fatal flaw: Mom pulled the drug pickup in front of a pancake house. She should’ve chosen a Chinese restaurant. That way, at least there’d be legitimate confusion when ordering “China White”.
On the positive….This story has inspired a new minivan rhyme-themed ad slogan: “Minivans: Just pack, tie the rack and put anything in the back: From a yak to a knick-knack to smack!” (It needs some editing, but the jingle will be a catchy rap. Hammer’s excited, ‘cause he really needs the money.)
I feel bad for Fuentes’ mom. She does a simple favor for her boy…and ends up in the slammer. And I ain’t impressed with Mr. Jesus “Pepe” Fuentes; this is not a creative dealer. “Hi, I’m Jesus; but my undercover street name is ‘Pepe’.” Jesus, Pepe! Way to hide your identity, Douche with the Dragon Tatoo. (If you’re trying to figure it out, my street name is “Clyde Stevens”.)
I look for invigoration in every facet of life; and by God, this story has sparked my imagination: I’m gonna write a movie scene where a kingpin sends a henchmen to go get his “heroin supply”….and the dude comes back with Princess Leia, Batgirl, and Joan of Arc.
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