WEIRD SHIT HAPPENS MEDLEY

Normally, my blog sticks to just one weird story; but there’s been so much bizarre activity in the news lately, I couldn’t make up my mind. Here’s a quick medley of my favorite current event oddities that no one could never make up:

CLUCK YOU!

The ongoing feud between two random Warwick, Rhode Island houses intensifies….Kathy Melker and Craig Fontane charged that neighbor Lynn Taylor has not only been harassing them with verbal insults and threats, but now she’s got her cockatoo in on the action! When asked to repeat what profane name the potty-mouth bird called her, Melker said “It rhymes with ‘clucking bore’. I’ve never been called that in my life!”

Don’t worry, Kathy. My parrot used to call my ex-girlfriend something that rhymes with “Cupid Bunt”. Man, he was brilliant…..

Perhaps this cockatoo’s getting a bad rap. Maybe he just has Tourette’s?

OLD MACDONALD SENT A TEXT….

Teams of Swiss researchers are developing tools that improve farmer’s efficiency and reduce the need for shepherds. Research group Kora hooked up sheep with heart rate monitors that, when predators approach, register blood-pressure spikes that are texted to the shepherd, summoning him to the scene.

This is causing a furious outrage among rednecks everywhere. This also marks the first time the words “texted” and “shepherd” have shared the same sentence.

Cow farmers constantly need to locate and examine cows that might be in heat, but professors at a Bern technical college are testing placing thermometers in cows’ genitals, with text messages alerting the farmer which cows are ready for mating. Since most insemination is done artificially, farmers can reduce the supply of bull semen they need to keep in inventory.

THE NEW WORST PART-TIME JOB: A farmer’s intern.

What a strange text for the farmer to receive, huh? He’s watering crops in the middle of a field; his phone vibrates on his belt; he picks it up and reads, “Hurry Up! Bertha’s Wet.” (“P.S.: Don’t run with the bull semen!”)

TRICKLE-DOWN PANDANOMICS

Researchers in Animal Behaviour hypothesized why male pandas perform handstands near trees….they’re urinating. Seriously. Evidently, doing handstands streams the urine higher on the tree, signaling their mating superiority.

What a double standard! Pandas pee on trees while doing handstands, and they’re sexual stallions; but when I do it, I get kicked out of Rainforest Cafe.

If peeing on yourself indicates you’re a great lover….every toddler would look like a porn star.

A San Diego Zoo researcher involved in this study noted that an accompanying gland secretion gives off even more “personal” information to other pandas than just urine.

Um….What sort of “personal” info is this? Mother’s maiden name, facebook password, credit card number?

Apparently, these Pandas are able to pull off this handstand pisser trick incredibly fast. My nickname for it? “The Panda Express”.

HAIR OF THE DOG THAT COST YOU

Health care expenses for pets are rising faster than movie tickets, as companion animals are given almost equal status as family members. (At my Grandma’s house, animals are worth a lot more than actual family members.) In Australia, veterinarians who provide dental services told Queensland’s Sunday Mail they have even begun to see clients demanding cosmetic dental work — including orthodontic braces and other mouth work to give dogs “kissable breath” and smiles improved by removing the gap-tooth look.

Rumor has it these veterinarians will be shipped overseas to perform the same cosmetic dental work on British factory workers. I’m joking; the veterinarians will be shipped overseas to perform the same cosmetic dental work on ALL British people.

METHINKS HE DOTH CONFESS TOO MUCH

Roy Mullen, posing for his most recent photo to be posted on the Tennessee sex offender registry in September, wore a t-shirt reading “Love Sucks /True Love Swallows.” Too bad Roy’s Mom didn’t swallow.

TAT FOR TIT

Hubert Leverich, 40, was arrested in Danville, Va. and charged with sexual abuse of an underage girl. Leverich’s permanently tattooed forehead reads “Felon Thoughts” and (in English gothic lettering) “Insane.”

In his defense, Hubert is illiterate and was taken advantage of by his tatoo artist, who told him the tat read, “Don’t Hire Me”.

COME ON, BABY, LIGHT MY GAS STATION

Kalpeshkumar Patel, 40, failed in June to carry out his longstanding threat to burn down the Chevron station in High Springs, Florida. After dousing his car with gasoline in front of the store, he realized he had no lighter or matches and had to ask several customers, without success, to help him out. He was arrested before he could do any damage.

What could his icebreaker possibly have been to these strangers? “Excuse me, do you have a light? I need to torch this place immediately.” (3 seconds later) “Don’t lock your door! Stop being so selfish!”

BEEN CAUGHT STEALIN’….WITH MY MOM

Ignatius “Michael” Pollara, 46, and his mother, 70, were arrested following what police said was a 10-year shoplifting spree that spanned 50 states. They were nabbed in Fort Lauderdale because, according to Sgt. Rich Rossman, Pollara could not resist using a “rewards” card traced to him, which he used to get credit for some of the purchases he had switched for more expensive items.

Well, Michael; The Bad News is…you’re getting 3-5 years. But The Good News is…you’re getting 3-5 bucks off on your next Target purchase! Enjoy that in half a decade, if the store still exists. You should have listened to your Mom and used those Thrifty Nickel coupons.

Advertisements

Leave a comment

No comments yet.

Comments RSS TrackBack Identifier URI

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s